Fandom The Farmhouse Dream { The Last of Us 1x1 with icedthemoon }

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Ezekiel, Soren, and Jacob all moved away to help with the food. Asher chose to also be useful, because otherwise he felt a bit out of place at this reunion of friends and family. Theo could not believe what was happening. “This is the best day!” He swiveled around and playfully nudged Elijah. “Eli! It’s Alex!” As he turned around again, he finally took in the others. “And like even more people.” Carlos, who did not walk over like a newcomer and more like he had been part of them his entire life, held Kaleb close with one arm and was already immediately very touchy with his other. “Alex. More beautiful people? More.” He leaned to the side and waved to the two older men still sitting. “Hello! Carlos. It would seem that many have heard of us already. This is Kaleb. Kaleb, love, I feel like we’re famous.” He grinned as Hayden was already nodding at the names. He leaned into Josh. This was a lot of people. A lot of new people. Or perhaps not that new. Alex wasn’t really new. And Carlos and Kaleb might as well have been there forever with what they had heard. And the other one? Well, he looked like he wanted to study everything. Hayden waved him over. Nate wasn’t sure what to do, because he was there with Alex and everyone ese. So, he stood where he was and simply said, “Um hi. Hi.” And then he was rambling like he had been the entire time. Introducing himself and talking about anything and everything. “Are we standing today or are we sitting and eating?” Soren asked as they returned with the first batch of their meals. “Come on everyone. Sit sit. Let’s go, we do not get to take up this table forever. There are plenty of people who need to eat too.” He shuffled all of the men to spots so that he could put down their food.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Alex looked at Elijah who shook his own head at his partner's excited nature. "Yes love. I see him. It's nice to see you again Alex." Eli said as Alex smiled and nodded. This had not been the reunion he was expecting but he was perfectly happy. Kaleb moved with Carlos as he led them towards the others and he chuckled. "I guess we made enough of an impression on Jordan and Asher." Kaleb commented as they all heard Soren, before they moved to the tables. Kaiden sat on the other side of Hayden and beside Ezekiel. Alex sat on the other side of his brother and patted the seat for Nate. Jacob sat across from Josh with Soren, while Kaleb moved to sit across from Hayden and beside Soren. Jordan sat beside Carlos of course. Once all the food was set down, Alex smiled at it, while Kaleb blinked, he had never seen such food before. Meat, and what was that? They were potatoes but he didn't know that. Jordan, Eli and Alex were more familiar with this kind of food and style. Jacob looked at Hayden. "So. Hayden, Nate here is a medic, and from what I can gather, likes science too. We have a young one we can teach our science and medical knowledge." Jacob commented as he took a bite of his food. Josh looked at the others, watching Nate and then Kaleb. Kaleb reminded him of himself and Soren. He held himself like an officer, or former at least. Hmm.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

“You know, I think I dreamed this once. Where there was all this food I didn’t know at a long table with all these people. Nate, it’s one of those fancy feasts!” Carlos was more than a little excited. He was pleasantly surprised by everything. This morning, he woke up and was excited about seeing two people. He never could have guessed that he would get all of this as well. How lucky they were. Hayden was intrigued. “Hm, we have another science nerd to join our ranks. That’s good. I thought we were being overwhelmed by soldiers.” He smiled at Josh and Soren as he began eating. Soren leaned in a bit conspiratorially to all the older men at the table. “I know we never adopted kids, like you two did, but maybe now we are.” He peered down the long table full of excited chatting. “I think we all have a whole mess of them.” Soren laughed, because it was great. Carlos was chatting with literally everyone. His voice was the loudest at the table. One leg was firmly pressed against Kaleb and the other against Jordan. Asher still felt a bit awkward with everything going on. It was just a lot and more than a little overwhelming. He would probably finish eating and leave relatively soon. Maybe go prepare to move their things into the farmhouse. Nate was observing. He was practically vibrating with the new intake of information. For now, he was watching and learning. Ezekiel was quietly talking with Alex and occasionally making sarcastic comments to Kaiden. Theo was also talking to literally anyone who would listen. When he and Carlos got started, they could practically talk in circles.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Kaleb was more than happy to listen to Carlos talk while he watched everyone and ate. This was more than he'd ever thought he'd have, and it was fantastic. He went from having one person, to having three, to having all of them. It was overwhelming in the best way as he ate. Jacob chuckled as he pressed his leg against Soren's as he heard him. "We've adopted all of them at some point. I had a feeling being kid less was just a fantasy." Jacob said with a happy smile as he ate. Josh rolled his eyes at Hayden as he snorted a laugh. "You have one more science nerd, but I've gained two soldiers." Josh said with a grin as he ate. Kaleb looked at Asher who was quiet, he wanted to catch up with him so badly. Alone preferably but he had a feeling that unless Jordan distracted Carlos, Kaleb wasn't going to any time soon. Alex was more than happy to talk with Ezekiel, catching him up on his journey after he left Seattle. Kaiden would chime in his own sarcastic comments to his partner when he needed to. Eli simply chuckled as he looked at Theo, hearing him. Once everyone was finished eating, Eli looked to Theo. "It's been a long day teaching the young ones. I'm going to call it a night, but don't feel like you have to love." Eli said, he worked as a teacher for the kids that lived in the community. It was similar to what he did in Seattle as a mentor. Kaleb looked at Jordan, and flicked his eyes to Carlos, 'distract him' was what Kaleb was trying to say. He'd move away from the table and gesture to Asher with a 'can I come?' question on his face. Josh and Jacob slowly moved from the table. "It was nice to meet all of you, us old men are going to turn in for the night, See you all for breakfast?" Josh said as he held a hand out for Hayden while Jacob got to his feet. Jordan looked at Kaleb, nodded and smiled. "Who wants to go see the farmhouse?" He asked Alex, Nate and Carlos. Kaiden stretched as he yawned and looked at Ezekiel. "Ready to call it a night love?" Kai asked.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Hayden took Josh’s hand and slowly rose to his feet. His body was heavy. Not even at fifty yet, he should not have had so many body issues, and yet, here he was with only one working eye and joints that just didn’t want to work as well. He picked up the cane he still had a hard time using and held onto Josh to keep him stable. Soren moved out of the way as everyone was moving around. He stood on Hayden’s other side in case it was that kind of day.

“Before you go!” Hayden’s attention spun to see Nate as everyone was a mess of movement and chatter. “I can help with that. I think. I dunno. I’ve read a lot. And I have some ideas.” He shied away like maybe he shouldn’t have said anything at all. “Maybe I can help? Or try? Tomorrow.” He smiled and so did Hayden. “I mean, what can’t we do with a nurse and a medic and…” Nate thought for a moment. “Scientist? We can work with that.” Then he turned back to the rest of the group. Hayden watched the group and then nodded. Yeah, he was ready for bed now.

Carlos was intrigued with this silent plan of Kaleb’s. Okay. He could do that. He stood up from the table and pulled at Jordan’s arm. “Oh, we most definitely want to see a farmhouse.” He leaned in close. “And then I want to see you.” He chuckled as he beckoned him, Alex, and Nate to follow. He looked at Theo who shook his head. “As much as I would love to join you, I feel like someone has to clean up this mess.” He squeezed Eli’s hand. “I will join you when I’m done?” Ezekiel too stood. “I am going to help Theo clean first, and then yes. This is more than enough excitement for me for one night.” He gave a meaningful and tired look to Eli who he hoped would understand him.

Asher was more than happy for this reunion to fizzle out. All of these people were exhausting him. He was up and moving when he caught Kaleb’s eye. One side of his mouth curled upwards, and he jerked his head to the side in the hopes that they could disappear without anyone noticing. He glanced at Jordan, and he had Carlos all over him, so that would probably be enough. He grabbed Kaleb’s hand and moved out of the building while Jordan was distracted. He would move quickly but he knew Kaleb’s leg was still hurting. As soon as they were out of earshot, Asher let out a deep breath.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Josh was more than happy to help Hayden up, and he sent a grateful look to Soren who was on his other side. All their motions halted when Nate spoke up. Once Nate was finished he chuckled softly. "There you go. An apprentice." Josh said as Jacob walked beside Soren as the four made their way out of the cafeteria and into the quiet night and down the street. Things don't change as their houses were right beside each other here in the town. Jacob smiled at Josh and Hayden as he bid them good night, and Josh did the same.

Alex looked at Jordan and Carlos, noticing Kaleb following Asher. He moved to follow the other three, taking Nate's hand and squeezing it. "Let's go see our new farmhouse." Alex said quietly as Jordan chuckled. "Beautiful, this place as more than enough rooms for all of us. You can see me as soon as we're there." Jordan replied. Eli nodded to both and looked at Kaiden. The young men smiled at their partners as Eli saw that look and nodded. "Come on Kai, let's head out and we'll see them soon."

Kaleb moved with Asher and smiled when he felt the hand take his. He walked outside of the cafeteria and heard that deep breath from Asher. "That was a lot huh?" Kaleb said as he looked at Asher. "I've never met so many people that friendly at once." Kaleb admitted as he too took a deep breath. "Okay you, as you bring me to your current house, how have you been since we split?"​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Carlos planted an intense but short kiss on Jordan’s lips, and as he lingered less than an inch away, he asked, “Promise? Because I have missed you so much.” Then he bounded away, grabbing Alex’s and Nate’s hands as he pulled them out of the cafeteria and onto the street. He let them go to twirl around and toss his arm over Jordan’s shoulders. “So. Where are you taking us? Do we get a field? We need a field. Medicine Man is absolutely obsessed with fresh bread, and Handsome has promised to grow it for us. And we want horses. One named Ireland. And… What else did we want, guys?”

Asher nodded. “Yeah, that was a lot. And also, yeah, everyone is friendly. Except for when the community is threatened, and then everyone is a bit intense. Which is what I like, of course. But I like it a lot more when there aren’t a million other people.” He squeezed Kaleb’s hand. “Um, well. It was kind of lonely without you guys when we split apart. We found Joel. The reunion for Jordan was beautiful. I hadn’t ever seen him that happy.” He smiled as they walked down the street. “But, um.” He sucked in a deep breath. “He was killed. Long story short, a girl was upset he killed her dad, and she trekked all the way here from Washington to kill him. It’s put the whole community on edge. And Jordan..” He sighed. “It’s bad, Kaleb. Or it was bad. This is the best I’ve seen him in a long time. He was kind of distant. Not at all like himself. Quiet.” He let his words trail away as they moved, their hands gently swaying together.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Jordan smiled at the short but intense kiss and nodded. "I promise. I've missed you too beautiful." He said as his smile faltered a little. He'd used a lot of energy to be happy this afternoon. Carlos was helpful, and he almost felt like himself as he walked onto the street. Alex looked at Nate as Carlos pulled them out. "It's got a field, and a barn, and currently has some sheep living there." Jordan replied. "But we have a few horses that are pregnant and we don't have the space for the babies, so you can have the moms until the babies can be weaned off and then the babies will be yours." Jordan added as he headed down the street, and to the gate. "We have to go outside of Jackson to get there, but it's got a metal gate around the entire property to keep infected away." Jordan explained as the gate opened, let them out and he turned to the left, up a small path that once they got to the top, and turned the corner, the farmhouse laid in front of them with fields and a lone tractor. Jordan opened the gate, let everyone in, before he shut and locked it behind him. "Here we are."

Kaleb was appreciative that the community cared for everyone when one was threatened. "I understand that. In the QZ there were people, but they weren't half as friendly as here, or at least not to us. And then it was just Carlos and I until we met you, then just us again till we met Alex and Nate." Kaleb replied, feeling the squeeze. Kaleb looked at Asher, hearing him and how his words trailed off as he spoke. "I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope we can help." Kaleb commented as they walked. He'd never thought Jordan had changed, not without he acted when Carlos was around again, but him being distant was a strange and weird combination that Kaleb didn't know how to even think about. "We're back though, and he can fawn over Alex too. We'll get Jordan back."​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Carlos’ heart lurched as he saw that faltering smile. He didn’t let it show though. Not ever. Just like with Kaleb. In that moment, he knew that he had to be that again. He stayed close to Jordan, so close that onlookers might have thought that they were the couple. He kept a physical touch always. He needed to. As they made it to the farmhouse, his jaw dropped. He stared in awe, just like Nate was. That was really what they had been wanting for so long. Carlos twirled around and grabbed Alex’s and Nate’s hands again. “This is it. This is what I’ve been drawing and you’ve been dreaming and we’ve been wanting.” He dropped their hands and took both of Jordan’s. He smiled, smaller just for him. It wasn’t his big excited smile like he literally just gave the others. It was tiny. Intimate. Nate actually stopped walking. Because, yeah, this was it. This was what they said they were going to find. His breath caught and he almost felt like he might cry. “Alex…” he whispered as he stared at it like a miracle. Was it a miracle? “Alex, we did it. We found the dream.”

“I thought-“ Asher wasn’t sure what he thought. “I thought having all these people, he would be okay. He needs people. But then he kind of shut everyone out. I couldn’t even really reach him.” Can’t. Still can’t. He stared ahead of them, quiet for a while. A moment. A moment that became a minute. Kaleb might have spoken, but he didn’t hear if he did. Finally he glanced back at Kaleb, but he couldn’t smile. He couldn’t do a whole lot right then. He was too tired. “Remember when I told you that I was worried I couldn’t be enough for him? Yeah, I think I have proven that since you’ve been away.” He slowed then and pointed to the decent sized house. “This is where we’ve been. Guess it makes sense to move us out and let someone else take it, especially since everyone knows we don’t mind sharing with you guys.” He stepped up to the front door and pushed it open. “We don’t have a lot, so it shouldn’t be too hard to pack things up.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Jordan noticed that Carlos stayed close as they walked. He could feel his body brushing against his own. Jordan had been fighting with mental demons ever since Joel’s death, and it hurt that he couldn’t let anyone in. It was like he built a wall between himself and everyone else, including Asher. That hurt the most. He loved Asher, but he could only keep himself together for so long. He saw that tiny intimate smile as Carlos took both his hands. “Let’s go check it out inside.” Jordan said, pulling his hands from Carlos’ and headed up to the house, pulling the door open and letting them inside. Alex was in shock, eyes searching the view in front of him. “I told you we’d do it. Now let’s go check it out?” Alex said, leading the way after Jordan.

Kaleb listened, knowing what Asher meant because Carlos was the same way. He needed people too. He squeezed Asher’s hand as he heard him, face dropping into a frown. “We’re here now. We’ll help you.” Kaleb said as he looked at the house. He followed Asher up the steps and entered in behind him. “What can I do to help you?”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Carlos followed him, staying close but not pushing. Not yet. Later. He wasn’t sure what Jordan needed. With Kaleb, he could feel it. He knew that Kaleb needed someone to push past that wall. He learned that from watching him for so long before they traveled together. Carlos had only had a matter of hours to learn this new Jordan. So he would wait. He would watch. And he would fight to get him back. He moved inside the building and grinned. “Yeah, yeah this is good. I like it. I like it a lot. So much potential! we could do so many beautiful things, you know?” Nate nodded. So much space. They never had space like this. Not really. “It’s a lot like that cabin we found in that little town. But better. So much better.” He kissed Alex’s hand before dropping it and running through the rooms. Seeing them all as they could be. Taking in every vision from all his travels and combining the best parts.

Asher wished Kaleb understood. He wished that Kaleb could know what it was like. When he told Kaleb that forever ago, it was about something so insignificant. People like Jordan and Carlos needed more people. They needed to love more. That was a part of it. But in the end, it wasn’t that people like Asher and Kaleb couldn’t fill those holes. It wasn’t that they couldn’t make out in abandoned malls like they were going to eat each other. It wasn’t just that. It was that after Joel, after everything, Asher wasn’t enough. He couldn’t be enough. He couldn’t be even just enough. He wasn’t anything anymore. All he did was watch Jordan hurt. Asher stood in the house and kind of turned in a circle. “Um, I guess clothes? That’s important. This way.” He moved robotically through the halls to the bedroom. “And whatever we can shove into anything. We can probably make several trips if there’s enough important things.” None of it mattered to Asher. Not really. He just didn’t want to be around all those people anymore. He couldn’t pretend everything was okay.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Jordan noticed Carlos had stayed close, but there was only so much that anyone could do for him. He felt stuck, trapped in his mind and body. Almost every night he has some kind of nightmare, and he does his best to handle it on his own. Refusing to let it affect Asher. He cared about his partner so much that he kept everything to himself. His emotions, his fears, his problems. Jordan hadn’t realized that by hiding everything, he’d caused more pain to his partner. Jordan had distanced himself on accident by trying to shoulder all his problems alone. It was so tiring but he refused to share. Alex followed behind Nate slowly, looking at the rooms. One bedroom was turned into an art room, and there were two more empty bedrooms downstairs. Upstairs had two as well, and Alex picked the one to be left of the stairs when coming upstairs. “What do you think of this one love?” Alex asked Nate.

Kaleb didn’t understand but he could see that Asher was having trouble with this new Jordan. “You know. You can talk to me about anything. Right?” Kaleb asked as he followed Asher to their bedroom. He started helping the other pack, not sure exactly what to say to him. He didn’t like how broken? If that was the right word, that Asher was. So he decided to change the subject. “I want you to know, you weren’t the only one who got upset I was once FEDRA. Though Nate’s reaction wasn’t nearly as uh physical.” Kaleb said with a soft chuckle.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Nate paused in the art room before running back into the hall and yelling, “Carlos! Someone else loves art as much as you! Big guy. Big guy, there’s paint!” He followed Alex up the stairs and into the bedroom. They were perfect. The whole thing was perfect. He wrapped his arms around Alex and pulled him into a tight hug. “You want to know what I think? I think we finally found our home.” His cupped Alex’s cheeks with his hands, momentarily distracted by scars he traced. Gently, he pressed his lips to Alex’s. “It’s not a dream if we make it real. And we did. We finally really did.”

Carlos may have been trying to coax Jordan into being the Jordan that he remembered, but he also heard that there was paint. It was a dilemma. So, like he did, he took a firm grasp of Jordan’s hand, and he dragged him to the art room. It was beautiful. It was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen before. Someone was a beautiful artist. Paints. He hadn’t seen paints in a very, very long time. They had so few in the QZ. He wished that he had used them for something meaningful and not thrown them at any little whim he had. He was going to paint for them. All of them. He was going to paint Kaleb, because there was nothing else in the entire world that deserved that. But then we want going to paint them. A family portrait of them. And then he was going to paint murals everywhere. He was giving up how they had to live before. No more killing infected or hunters or whatever. He just wanted to be an artist. An artist who exploded some things sometimes. He touched Jordan’s face, little smile still dancing on his lips. “Okay. So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I have to pry it out of you like Kaleb? I appreciate you pretending with everyone else. But you don’t have to pretend with me. I can be happy for the both of us.”

Could he? Could Asher really talk to him about this? He couldn’t talk to Jordan. He tried. How was he supposed to talk to Kaleb about it? He was thankful for the change in subject. “Oh yeah? That cute little thing got upset? Because he was a Firefly. Okay, I guess I could see that. But he handled it better than me? Didn’t want to deck you?” Asher grinned at the memory. It was funnier now that they were distant from it.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Alex looked at Nate, and hugged him back. He smiled, feeling the trace on his scars. “You’re absolutely right. It’s no longer a dream, it’s real. And I don’t know about you. But I wanna test this bed out.” Alex said, dropping his pack on the ground, moving and grabbing Nate’s hand and dragging him towards the bed with a smile and a laugh.

Jordan followed Carlos, not that he had much choice with the firm grip. He looked around the room before he saw Carlos in front of him. That small smile still on his face as his fingers touched his face. Jordan bit his lip and sighed heavily. “You remember that man we were searching for? My mentor Joel? Well. We found him here. And it was great, we spent time together. Until one day, I was off patrolling the other side of the county, when this girl from Washington came and killed him..” Jordan’s hands clenched into fists at his side as he bit back the sadness and tears. “When I found out, I went to the ski lodge with Dina and Jesse. His face.. his body.. Carlos. He was beaten and busted before she smashed his.. head in.” Jordan’s hand unfisted and covered his mouth. The images rolled through his mind as he felt a tear slip loose. “And.. I fear I’m losing Asher. He’s started taking more patrols, and that hunter side shows more each time. God.. I just miss how things used to be. But.. I don’t know if things will ever be that way again. So I hide everything from him. But it’s getting harder and harder to hide the nightmares, hide the tears and pain from him.” Jordan had silent tears flowing down his face as everything that had been tucked away came loose. He had a special connection to Carlos as well as his true love with Asher but he didn’t want to burden Asher with this and there was something about Carlos that poked at his barrier and created a hole. Maybe.. maybe things can change now.

Kaleb nodded as he chuckled softly. “Yeah, he did. He got grumpy and pouted. Nowhere near the desire you had to deck me. He just went quiet too, after we decided to call it at night.” Kaleb said as he watched Asher. He tried to help where he could and had to hope that Carlos could help Jordan.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Nate also dropped his bag as he was being pulled towards the bed, giggling the whole way. Giggling like he did when they were just the two of them all that time ago. It felt like a lifetime ago. “You mean our bed?” Nate asked between giggles before he fell onto the mattress and spread his arms and legs out. He pulled Alex down on it too, breathing in the smell of actually cared for home. It was in great condition. He thought they would have to find one with repairs. “So what do you think?”

There it was. The thing that broke the shatterproof memory. For Carlos, Jordan was everything that he wanted to be. He was confident and brilliant. He was so utterly capable. Nothing ever shook him. Nothing. But something had. Something so bad that it changed who he was. Carlos placed both hands on Jordan’s cheeks. “Okay. That’s a start.” He rubbed his thumb across those cheeks before dropping his hands so that one could take one of Jordan’s and pull him into the living room and sit them on the couch. He turned to the side so that he was fully facing his companion. He kept both hands in his lap. “I’m sorry about Joel. I know you loved him. He was so good for you. And I’m sorry about what she did. No one deserves that. But my sorries won’t help you even if they are nice to have. Thank you for telling me. That’s bravery. I’ve always admired your bravery.” Carlos let the moment sit. No rushing. It needed to breathe. “Maybe you don’t have to bottle it up. That’s just going to hurt you. And if you don’t want to hurt Asher, that’s okay. That’s brave too. Maybe you tell me about your demons instead? They aren’t going to hurt me.” He lifted one of his arms, Jordan’s hand in tow, and waved it around. “Look at these muscles. Nothing is going to get to us through those.”

Asher aimlessly packed things. He wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing. He would start with clothes from a drawer but before finishing would stare off somewhere for a while and then move on to something else. He was usually so focused. He was so determined. But today he felt so scattered. The hardened hunter he brought back for their survival had a much harder time being around when someone was there to temper it. Jordan hadn’t been there to make it go away. Kaleb was the one making it waver this time. “I didn’t know he had it in him. Being upset. He doesn’t seem like the type.” The words were an after thought he said far too late to be a real response. He shook away the struggles. He shoved himself back into the hole. He hardened his face. He packed better. “I’m not sure what we actually need. I should make a list.” He dropped what he was doing and quickly scanned the room before leaving to do the same with the rest.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Our bed.. Alex chuckled softly as he was pulled down onto the bed. He turned on his side and looked at Nate, hand on his head and elbow propping him up. "I think this is everything we wanted and more. A dream finally come true. With a huge family to share the rest of life with." Alex said, a big smile on his face as he looked at Nate.

Jordan blinked as he felt hands on his cheeks and he looked at Carlos. Before he could say anything, he felt the thumbs rub on his cheeks before the touch was gone. A hand took his and he was led out and to the couch. Jordan sat sideways like Carlos, his eyes red and his mind whirling with every emotion inside. Carlos still held one of his hands in his lap. He listened quietly, hearing his words. Bravery? Carlos admired his bravery? Jordan wasn't brave, not anymore. He was a coward, scared and hiding from people. Afraid to let the wounds that were lashed into him when he saw Joel show to anyone. He was not brave. Not at all. And not telling Asher wasn't brave either, he was hurting him. He could tell. But instead of recognizing what he was doing, he kept hiding, letting himself spiral into a hole of his own creation. "My demons.. are better left to rest where they are. You don't need that kind of.. information beautiful. It'll scar you too, change you." Jordan replied, even as he saw his arm, the one with Jordan's hand, wave around. "Just.. let it be okay?"

Kaleb noticed that Asher seemed off, scattered. Something was pulling at him. "Yeah, we were all surprised too." Kaleb admitted as he moved over to Asher. He was walking better with the wrap, not the best and still limping but better. He'd gotten to Asher when he watched the man leave. A sigh pushed out of his mouth as he started packing what he could, repacking some of the things that weren't packed so well. Kaleb didn't know what exactly was going on, but he was determined to find out.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

It felt like home unlike any place before ever had. His mama never talked about settling down and having a place to be home. She had too much work to do. She was fighting a war that was never won. Nate was doing that too up until he met Alex. Alex made the war seem a lot less urgent. Maybe it was. Alex made him feel like he was important too. “I cannot wait to live this new beautiful life. You and me sleeping here. Carlos also probably sleeping here.” He laughed. “Carlos and Kaleb in one of the rooms. I don’t know Jordan and Asher, but I like that they’re with us. I miss having people around. I forgot that I miss that. Is that weird?” He stared at the ceiling as he imagined everything. “We could go into town all the time. I think I can really do something meaningful with Jacob and Hayden. We could create things that are going to save lives. These lives. Not the whole world. That’s okay too.”

Carlos listened, soft smile staying the whole time. He got it. This was not new to Carlos. This was not something he never dealt with. This was who he liked to be. He brought both of those hands up to his chest. “No.” He said with that smile and with all the care in the world. “I can’t do that, Red. I’m going to tell you what I told Kaleb all those years ago. I am not going to let things go. We’re going to figure it out together.” He put both hands in one of his so that he could run a free hand in Jordan’s hair. “You can’t scar me, beautiful, because I’m already bearing everyone’s scars. I like to do that. I like to share. You can’t change me. If Kaleb’s lashes couldn’t change me, your demons can’t either.” He kissed Jordan’s cheek and leaned his forehead against the other’s.

Asher walked through rooms, muttering to himself about what was important, but none of it was sticking. He couldn’t focus on any of it. He didn’t know what to do. Everything felt like it was crashing down around him. That was how it had been feeling for months. That was why he went patrolling now. That was why he left on hunting trips for bigger game. He needed something to distract him. He wished he could go now, but he had Kaleb. He didn’t know what to do. He stopped in a hallway, just standing there. He had packing he needed to do. So he walked back into the bedroom. “Thanks.” He grabbed the pack and took it to the front door.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Alex had, had one home in his life. The home made of logs where he was with his parents and his siblings. He looked at Nate with a smile on his face. "Me either. You and me. And yea, Carlos every so often I'm sure. And yeah, while I don't know Jordan and Asher, I feel they'll be just as great as part of our family." Alex said as he laid there. "I think you are going to wonderful things with those two. They know a lot and so do you. The three of you together? That will keep you busy. I'm not sure what I'm going to do a lot of the time, but my first thing will be growing wheat for you." Alex said as he smiled. "You know what's going to happen now right?" Alex asked as he looked at Nate.

Jordan saw that soft smile, and bit his lip. He felt the hand brought to his chest and he felt a sigh slip out as he heard that. Jordan felt both hands in one of Carlos' and the other hand run through his hair. A sob slipped out as he felt the kiss to his cheek and then the forehead leaned against his. "Carlos.. how are you so sure about that?" Jordan asked quietly. "These demons.. they like to tell me that I should've done more. I should've gone with Ellie when she went after them. They make me feel like I shouldn't be here. I should leave before others get hurt." Jordan said, but that was just the tip of how he felt.

Kaleb looked up as he saw Asher grab the pack and head to the front door. "You're welcome." He said, following him. At the front door, he placed a hand on Asher's shoulder. "Hey. What's really going on with you? You seem.. off." Kaleb said, having noticed how he'd been packing aimlessly before he started packing better and then just left. "Talk to me. I'm here to listen."​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

It was like all at once, every one of their dreams was coming true. All of them. He rolled across the bed and sighed. This was so good. He loved all of it. Nate was so happy. He didn’t think he could be so happy, especially with how badly it went in Seattle. It, of course, could have been worse. People could have been really hurt and killed and not just shaken like Kaleb. Happy. This is was happy. He was just so excited. “What? What’s happening next?” His brain was so excited he wasn’t sure he could think straight.

Carlos scooted himself closer, keeping those foreheads together. “It’s too late for that, Red. Others are hurt. They are hurting. Everyone is hurting. I saw how everyone was when you brought us in. I see how Asher has changed. He was always quieter than you and me, but now he’s worse. He’s not really part of the group. He isn’t just stubborn anymore. He could be belligerent. I can see that. I see him. He’s hurting. Because you’re hurting. I know you are. I see you.” He left Jordan’s hands in his lap and wrapped his arms around his companion. He pressed his cheek against Jordan’s as he held him close in this hug. “I see you. Not the demons that cry for vengeance. And you know what? I don’t mind talking to them either. I’ll have a whole conversation with them. We can talk about vengeance. We can talk about hurt. But they can’t hurt me. They hurt you, and they hurt Asher, but they can’t hurt me. So just think about it. It’s easier with someone else.”

Asher stopped. Paused. Froze. “I’m-“ His lips were in a hardened line. He let out breath. The air fizzled out just outside of him. “It’s- um. It’s hard.” His words were heavy. Low. His lips quivered. Nostrils flared. He was somewhere between angry and sad. It was always easier to be angry. That was why he left so often. That was why he patrolled more. It was always easier to be angry. His eyes flicked to the door as he imagined Jordan out there. At a farmhouse. “It’s-“ when he blinked, the anger was being overrun by something else. “I-“ something that made him forget how to be that strong person. “Um-“ Forget how to be the hunter. “He’s-“ and that was as far as he could get before his throat closed. He looked back at Kaleb, and he wasn’t Asher with little smiles along for the ride with his partner with unconventional love. His eyes threaten him with tears he did not want.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Alex watched Nate roll across the bed and his smile never faltered as he watched him. He missed the optimistic person Nate had been when they first met. This was perfect to him, he was home. Home with his family, home with Nate. "We actually get to sleep in, we don't have to go running anywhere and.. and we get to have those baby horses that we talked about, and wheat. Bread. Meat for dinner every night if we want. We can live."

Jordan watched Carlos scoot closer, feeling those foreheads still pressed together. His eyes dropped to the hands in Carlos' lap as he sat there. "I know he's hurting.. and I can't do a thing about it." Jordan whispered as he let out a choked gasp at the arms wrapped around him, cheek against cheek. Easier with someone? How was that possible? Jordan felt sobs pull from his body, tears that he'd kept at bay for months finally falling. "I can't.. I don't.. how do I have this conversation with him? I can barely have it with you." Jordan said, his voice thick with fear and hurt as he felt tears flooding down his face, and his body shook. He knew that everyone was hurting at the loss of Joel, but he hurt Asher. The one thing he told himself that he'd never do, he did it. He promised to love and care for him, not hurt him like he'd done.

Kaleb saw that hardened line on Asher's face, heard his words heavy and low. He heard the attempts at talking, and saw his nostrils flare. Kaleb saw the different Asher when he looked at him. There was the hurt that Kaleb had sensed early on. He moved and closed the distance between them as quick as he could. Kaleb's arms wrapped around Asher tight as he hugged him. "Let it out. I see you, see your hurt and you need to let it out in order to even consider healing from the hurt."​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Sleep in. Stay in one place. Grow wheat for bread and raise horses and change the world with people just as determined as him. “Alexander Brennan, are you saying that we just get to live our lives? That’s it? We don’t have to worry about anything anymore? No more stressing about survival or whether or not my dead relatives would approve of whatever we are doing?” He rolled again, almost rolling off, giggling as he flailed back onto the mattress and laughing hysterically until he rolled into Alex where he gasped and then fell into another fit of giggles.

“Don’t. Don’t have it with him yet. Trying before you’re ready won’t work for anyone.” He rubbed Jordan’s back as he kept him in this embrace. No one was alone, and it was important that they could be reminded of this. “Tell me. Show me. Don’t worry about him right now. You worrying about him will only make you run from him more. That will be far worse for him than anything you can possibly tell him.” That was what he was always trying to tell Kaleb. Nothing Kaleb said would ever hurt as much as Kaleb shutting him out. “But if you can tell me, then it will be easier to tell him. When you’re ready. When he’s ready. And maybe he’s ready. Maybe he’s just waiting for when you’re ready.” Carlos knew what it was like to be the person waiting. He also knew what it was like to be the one hiding things. “Whatever you do, you can’t let demons win. They eat you alive until you’re just a shell of someone else.”

This was not what he was expecting. When Asher ran away from all those people after dinner, he thought maybe he would run off with Kaleb and ignore everything that hurt so much. Instead, Kaleb brought all of it out. He coaxed it out of him. As those arms wrapped around him, Asher felt the tug of tears ripping at his eyelids. It was so heavy that he couldn’t help but just stand there as those tears finally fell despite everything he did to hide them. They were supposed to be caged. He hated feeling this way. And the more they fell, the angrier he got. He was so angry with himself. “I’m not the one who isn’t healing.” He snapped the words, but he wasn’t angry at Kaleb, and he hoped that Kaleb knew that. “I’m not the one who- who-“ he gasped as he tried to breathe. “I can’t - can’t help him. I-I-I can’t- can’t fill that, that hole inside him.” His arms constricted around Kaleb, completing the hug. He clung to Kaleb like he was his lifeline. “He saved me,” he cried. “He he he saved me, Kaleb. I helped him out of a city that wanted to kill him,” he sucked in all three air around them, “but he saved me. And I can’t save him.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Alex looked at Nate with a big smile and a nod. "That is exactly what I'm saying Nathaniel Matthews. You get to live your life and so do I. No more worrying about survival or anything else." Alex said as he watched him almost roll off the bed and laughed before he rolled into Alex. At the gasp and fit of giggles, Alex shifted and wrapped his arms around Nate, rolling so he was on his back with Nate on top. He looked up at him with the biggest happiest smile he'd ever had. "You and I? We've got our dream. And a big family to share it with. Welcome home baby."

Don't have it yet? So.. what should Jordan do? Just wait until he was ready? "But what if I'm never ready?" Jordan whispered through his tears. He felt the rub on his back as he listened to Carlos. Not worry about Asher? Easier said than done for him. Should he just do it anyway? God why was this so difficult? Because he cared. He cared so much about Asher than he didn't want to scar him with the demons he had, but by hiding, he made things so much worse. He created a hole inside him and refused help from anyone to fill it. "I c- can't lose him Carlos. He's my world, he saved me when he should've killed me, helped me survive one city that was intent on killing me." Jordan said between sobs, holding onto Carlos like he'd lose everything if he let go. "I don't know what to do. There's this hole inside that I can't fill, that no one can fill and it just eats away at me."

Kaleb heard the tears, and the angry snap of words, but he didn't let it phase him. He knew better. He knew what it was like to be angry at being upset. He had done it himself. He was so angry that he kept hitting wall after wall with trying to love Carlos. He heard the words, rubbed Asher's back, felt those arms constrict around him. "You are what he needs, but until he learns the same lesson of letting things out, talking about them, neither of you will be able to save the other. In a way, when Jordan lost Joel and he broke from that grief, you broke too. You're grieving from the loss of who Jordan was from before the death. Yes, he's different but at the same time, he's still the same man. He's just hurting and doesn't know or want to know how to let anyone in anymore. I should know, I did the same exact thing to Carlos." His voice was calm and soothing as he continued to rub his back.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Nate squealed as they rolled, and he laughed and giggled as he settled on top of Alex. He tried to calm the hysterics, which was hard since he was having the best time. It was like they made it to this area and there was a switch. Even from back in that abandoned mall he could feel the change in the air. When he looked at Alex, all he could do was smile like the whole world was right. He thought about his mama, and he knew she would be proud. He thought about his brothers, and he knew they would be too. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” What a great big, beautiful family they had too. And it grew so much bigger in so little time. He kissed Alex, that smile still courting his face. Apparently it was not going to go away.

Carlos ran a hand along his back until it cascaded over a shoulder and onto Jordan’s chest. He pushed against it. “That hole is where those demons live. They crawl inside you and demand attention. They tear at everything until there’s nothing left. That’s why we have our people. That’s why we need someone to help us tell them no.” He took Jordan’s hand and shoved it against his own chest. “We met these horrible people not long ago. They were going to do so much worse than just kill Kaleb. So much worse. Alex told us that they took them and tortured them. Cut them up. Chained them. I don’t know. Probably something like what that girl did to Joel. It scared me so bad. So bad, Jordan. So bad that I couldn’t sleep. I hate these awful, awful nightmares. I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to make them suffer for not even doing anything but scaring him.” He paused. He lowered his voice. Darkened. “I wanted to do a lot more than that. So I shut him out, because I was so afraid it would hurt him to know. And you know what he did?” He took Jordan’s other hand and pressed his against his own chest with the other one. “He filled every hole those demons made. They threatened him, they scared him, and then he put me back together like I had any right to be the one so upset. And of course I did, because he’s mine, and I am his.” He moved the hands to Jordan’s chest. “Like Asher is yours and you are his. Your world.” Boy did Carlos understand that. “He doesn’t want to be lost. He wants you to find him again. He wants to fill those holes. They always do, even when we think they don’t. Even when we think the demons are going to hurt them while they do. And they will. They always hurt the person you love the most. The people you love. That’s the hardest part. Knowing that it’s going to hurt them. But it’s too late. They already are, so we might as well find a way to make it better, right?”

“Am I? Am I what he needs?” Asher didn’t believe it at all. After all this time, he had yet to find a single thing that he could give Jordan that someone else couldn’t give him as well or do better. He remembers all those years ago when Asher was the one convincing Kaleb that he was doing the right thing. That everything was going to work out for them. He remembered when Kaleb was so worried about being enough for Carlos. Asher thought he knew that they were. He thought back then that sometimes he might not be enough physically. He thought that maybe they needed to be surrounded by more people. He thought that he got it. He thought. But he was wrong. All Asher ever did was hold Jordan back. He knew that. He felt it deep inside. He had taken root and was spreading. Growing. The thought made him weep. He was better than that. It had been a long time since he cried. “I can’t do this.” Words ripped from his throat like whips. “I-“ Whip. “He-“ Whip. “I love him so much. So so much. But it’s not enough. It has never been enough.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan, Kaleb Price, Jordan DeShay, Kaiden Lachlan and Elijah Lewis (and the Smith Clan)
Former Seraphite, Former FEDRA officer, Former Smuggler, Former WLF, Former Seraphite | 19, 27, 30, 26, 27 | Current location ;; Wyoming

Alex heard Nate squeal and laugh and it made his heart so happy. This was everything he'd ever wanted and he had it now. It was perfect to him. This was perfect. Alex smiled up at Nate, seeing that smile and he kissed him back. Alex didn't stop kissing him, until he couldn't breathe. He finally pulled away a few inches, enough to gain some breath. "I think.. we should shut and lock that door. Spend some time together." Alex said, looking at Nate with a grin.

Jordan felt the hand along his back, felt it cascade over his shoulder and onto his chest. He felt the push and blinked, pulling back to look at Carlos with a tear-stained face. He listened, dulled blue-grey eyes full of turbulence. What? They almost took Kaleb, caused him harm like they did to Joel. He bit his lip, hearing that lowered voice, and tilted his head as he felt the other hand press against Carlos' chest. Put him back together, and filled those holes. Maybe. Maybe Carlos was right. Maybe it was time for him to let Asher in again. If he was already hurting, and Jordan was hurting, maybe they needed each other to feel better. "And if you're right? What if he doesn't believe me? What if I tell him everything, open up completely and it all goes wrong?" Jordan wanted to talk to Asher, but even just the idea made him terrified. But he also knew that he'd lose Asher if he kept this up. Kept this barrier between them. "I'm.." A deep shaking breath slipped out. "I'm ready to talk to him."

Kaleb heard Asher and sighed heavily. "You are. I've never seen anyone look at someone else like he looks at you. Even when we just arrived, he still looked at you like you were everything to him. He's hurting, like you, but he needs you. Everyone has someone. When Carlos and I first started traveling, I was haunted by the loss of my mother. Fifteen years of hurt that stopped me from loving anyone else. And then his flirting, his need for people, that scared me more. And then we met you and Jordan. You proved to me then that I was enough for Carlos. Now it's time to prove that you are enough for Jordan. In order to do this, you need to talk, both of you. Something fell out of line, but I can assure you that you are more than enough for him, your love is so pure and beautiful, and you two belong together." Kaleb said as he continued to rub Asher's back gently. "Let your anger, fears and worries out. And once you're ready, we're heading to the farmhouse."​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews, Carlos Price, Asher McCoy, Ezekiel Finch, and Theophilus Sharpe (and the Smith Clan)
Former Firefly, Aspiring Artist, Former Hunter, Former Seraphite, Former WLF | 21, 25, 32, 29, 25 | Current location ;; Wyoming

They had shared a lot of kisses. Nate really liked them. He thought that was a bit silly to think about, but when he wasn’t thinking about that, it was just true. But these were different. Different because this was the first time they kissed when Nate wasn’t so afraid about something. He missed being fearless. Well, perhaps he was never exactly fearless. He used to not be like this. Or like that. It wasn’t there right now. Alex and their family and this place chased it all away. He turned his head just slightly, looking at Alex from the side. He smiled but narrowed his brows. Then they shot up. “Uh- Oh. Oh.. Oh okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah I think I would like that.” He chose to ignore the red that spattered across his cheeks. He placed a finger across Alex’s lips. “You wait right there. Don’t move.” He bounced off the bed and moved to the door. He looked outside and listened for a moment. He heard… talking? Heavy breathing? He shook his head. Carlos and Jordan would be fine without them. He closed the door and locked it suddenly nervous. That was also silly. He turned around, still grinning, and joined Alex on the bed again.

Carlos had never been bothered by tears. They were just another way to show emotion and passion. He pressed his hands against cheeks and the sides of Jordan’s face. “You’re afraid of the demons that tell you that you should have gone off on a vengeance murder mission. You are afraid of telling him, the vengeance and murder demon himself. I bet you that the only reason he didn’t go was that it would have hurt you even more, and he wouldn’t do that. Not on purpose. When you talk to him, do you really think he won’t believe you? That you’re going to scare him off?” Carlos smiled, because they both knew that answer. “Breathe beautiful. You’re doing great already.” He leaned in and kissed Jordan gently.

“What if I can’t? What if I can’t let it go?” That was the other thing he was so afraid of. Asher was a hunter. He was always a hunter. A born and raised angry kind of person. He knew this about himself. He was not a good person. That was a conversation he had with Kaleb a long, long time ago too. Maybe he was better than he used to be. Surely he was better. That did not make him good though. It only made him better. Right now, though? He didn’t feel any better. He wanted to run. He let his arms drop and shoved a hand over tears that only made him angry. “What if there’s always more?” He bent down and fiddled with the bag’s straps. He should have grabbed more. He could come back later and grab more. He didn’t even feel like he should go honestly. Jordan was doing better with Carlos. Without Asher.
​