Fandom Tale of Two Survivors { The Last of Us 1x1 with icedthemoon }

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

"No, no, stop, Alex.” Nate’s own tears were falling too, intermingling with the ones that fell hit down Alex’s cheeks. They were so close together that there was not more edge to where one of them ended and the other began. “You didn’t-“ he sucked in a breath trying to keep himself calm enough to keep talking. He needed to be calm for Alex. “You didn’t know what was happening.” Quicker. If I had been quicker was the sword that dangled above them. If they had been quicker they could have saved Carlos from being bitten. If they had been quicker, they could have gotten down to the bottom and pulled both of them out of there. Carlos could still blow up everyone but not himself and Kaleb. If Nate had been quicker, he could have run in there before Alex grabbed him. He could have saved them both. He could have tried. “Alex-“ he sucked in another deep breath because he was going to start crying again, and he didn’t want to do that when Alex needed him. “Stop,” he begged. “It’s not your fault.” Nate couldn’t blame anyone else but himself. “S-stop. Please, Alex, Stop.” If Alex didn’t stop, how was Nate ever going to be able to?
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex heard Nate, heard him say to stop. How could he? This was hard, sad and something Alex had never had to deal with before. But he had to stop, for Nate. Even as he cried, he tried to stop. And finally, he did and he was exhausted. “I’m sorry.” Two words. I’m sorry we made it to Montana, found a family and lost them, I’m sorry I dragged you away, and I’m sorry I let him fall, I let him get bit. Alex let out a heavy sigh, he didn’t have anymore in him. He was mentally and emotionally, and physically tired. He just held onto Nate at that point, a lifeline in a turbulent sea of emotions.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

Don’t be sorry. He wanted to say it over and over again until Alex finally understood. He wanted to scream it, whisper it, whatever it took. He needed Alex to know that he didn’t do anything wrong. He did the practical thing again. He made sure they were alive when Nate couldn’t. That’s what Kaleb was saying. They were there to keep the optimists alive, right? That’s why Carlos was dead. Because his realist died. What happens when the optimism dies though? What does that leave you with? Who was Nate then? A shell of someone who used to do things? He could save people once upon a time. He could pull people out of fires and tend their burns. He could fix bullet wounds and arrow shots. He could cure traveling sicknesses. Not anymore. He couldn’t do anything. He lost that too. And if he lost that, he couldn’t lose Alex.

“Don’t.” He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take Alex losing who he was. He moved his hands up to Alex’s face and held it there. Don’t run from me. Don’t push me away. Don’t do what I am doing to you. I need you. “You’re supposed to be my guiding light.” The light to look for in the darkness. “If you go dark too, I’ll be lost. I don’t want to be lost.” He was so close to crying again, but he was trying so hard to keep it together for Alex. It was just going poorly. So poorly, because he was supposed to be making Alex feel better and all he could do was selfishly hope he wasn’t drowning. “Don’t get lost. Stay with me.” Exhausted more than he had ever been in his entire life, absolutely emotionally spent, laying on the ground of the forest floor in Washington where he should have been excited but instead was devastated and terrified, he kissed Alex with more intensity than he had ever managed before. It was a desperate act to keep them both there. To feel a little less alone all stuck in their minds where they were the sole guarantors of horrendous fates. This broken optimist searched for anything that reminded him of who he used to be. Of what they used to have. Or maybe what they needed to have now. He just wanted, because everything hurt so badly.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex knew what he did was the right thing. But he hated it, hated making that decision. Putting it all on him, but that was the realist. He kept Nate alive even if he couldn’t help Carlos and Kaleb. The spiral was taking him, but he tried to fight against it. Don’t. Don’t blame himself. How could he not? He felt hands on his face and he looked at Nate, eyes still shining from unshed tears. “I’m here for you. I won’t let you get lost. I promise. But I want you to promise me to try and smile for me. I need my optimist, my dreamer to keep me from getting lost in my own darkness.” Alex told him. A moment later he felt Nate kiss him and he kissed him back, hands moving to the back of his head, fingers in his hair as he deepened the kiss. He put passion and love into the kiss, everything he was feeling. He let it all out.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

I don’t know how to smile anymore. That’s what he couldn’t help but thinking. It hurt too much to smile. If he smiled, he wasn’t mourning their family. He wasn’t honoring them. He was forgetting them. He was letting it go. He didn’t want to let them go. He already let too much go. So he didn’t let of Alex. He couldn’t let go. He was too scared of what would happen if he stopped. So he didn’t. His hands slid away from Alex’s face, touching scars that warmed his fingers, and grabbed at his shirt to hold himself together. Hold them together like they were one. One. They were one. He wanted to be one. He didn’t want to just be Nate. He didn’t like Nate. When he kissed Alex, he kissed him with that too. He kissed him with the self depreciation. He kissed him with the love he clung to for Alex and the love he had for so many people who fell away from them. He kissed him with the utter sadness of having such a big hole inside of him. With the lack of confidence that he could complete what he started. With the confusion of what he was even doing. And the tears fell the entire time. He couldn’t stop them. The release was too good not to.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

He felt those fingers fall. They touched his scars, and then grabbed his shirt. Alex never let go of Nate’s head, never let go of him. He just kissed him, feeling the hole and trying to help with it. This was a moment for them, a moment that was so needed. Eventually Alex pulled back just enough to breathe. “Try and smile. That is what they’d want. Do you think we can try and sleep now?” Alex asked, not sure if he could sleep himself but he could feel his body shutting down from exhaustion.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

No, don’t, please. He could have begged. He could have whined. He could have done a lot, but he didn’t. It was pathetic. He was being pathetic. He was so tired. So so tired. he looked away. Maybe it was shame. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was the exhaustion. It didn’t matter. It really didn’t. He opened his mouth to talk and chose not to. He closed it again. What was he going go say? He had to say something. Alex needed him to say something. “Okay.” He did not smile. He couldn’t. But he could recoil. He could fall away. He could find somewhere inside to hold onto. He laid his head down on the blanket with eyes closed. Sleep. Maybe.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

No. No. Don’t recoil away. Alex watched as Nate pulled away, laid his head on the blanket and closed his eyes. All Alex wanted was to be with Nate, holding him close. It was something he needed or he was going to lose himself to the darkness inside. But Alex so far had said everything wrong, but he also didn’t know what to say either. He was in uncharted territory and it was so hard. Alex laid down beside Nate, sides touching but that was as close as he was. He felt his eyes close, exhaustion forcing his brain to shut down and rest.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

He didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted to be close. He wanted to be far. He wanted to touch but the touch burned. He wanted but he didn’t. So he laid there, curling more and more as he curled inside too. Until he was barely touching Alex at all. If he were alone, he could live in his loneliness. So that was what he did. He festered and spiraled until his body simply could not stay awake anymore. And then he dreamed about every person he ever killed.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Zero feet. One foot, two. Further away, barely touching. It hurt Alex more than losing Kaleb and Carlos. It hurt more than the bear’s claws in his leg. It hurt his soul, as if they were be forced into being two again. Alex couldn’t dwell on it more as he fell asleep. Metal cut across his dreams, screams of humans and infected, explosions sent stars through his mind. And when he woke up the next morning, he barely remembered what he dreamt of, just that it hadn’t been pleasant. He was awake before the sun. Alex got to his feet, looking over at Nate before he walked to the drop off of the overlook and sat down. Hands in his lap as he watched the sun rise, painting beautiful colors across the sky. He could picture Carlos’ reaction, saying how he loved the sunrise and would replicate it for them. Alex, in a moment of energy, got up and grabbed the journal he’d been given, the pencil still tucked safely inside. Then back to the drop, sitting back down and he began to try drawing, constantly going back to the ones made by his brother as a reference. He was going to learn and he was going to make the painting of the four of them. So he started practicing and learning to draw.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

Nate woke with dry eyes that could not bear to cry again. His eyes hurt. His cheeks ached. His head felt like he had not had anything to drink or eat in ages. He stayed there, now so curled that he could have been much like a dog. He did not want to move. When he moved, his limbs hurt more. It felt like everything was frozen inside him. Or mangled. He moved his head first before he moved the rest. He sat up slowly. Breathed. Breathed. And he felt so lonely. That was because he was alone. Where was Alex? Alex? The panic came quick and overwhelmed his entire body. Alex? Alex? So alone. All alone. Where was Alex? He scrambled to all fours before fumbling to his feet and tripping as he tried to move forward. His eyes were hazy with the sudden despair of the loneliness that cast its unwavering shadow across him. “Alex? Alex!” The panic clouded the reasonable part of him. He wasn’t able to actually look around for him.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

He had just finished a rather poor sketch of one of them when he heard motion behind him. It didn’t register that it was Nate until he heard his panic words. Alex set the journal down, and rolled to his feet. “Nate!” Alex said as he saw him tripping as he moved forward. Alex’s arms wrapped around him and pulled him into his chest. “Nate.. Nate I’m right here. I’m still here. Shh. Easy love. It’s okay. I’m here.” Alex spoke as he rubbed Nate’s back. It was all he could think to do at the moment. Just hold Nate and reassure him that he was still there.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

He was so alone. Cast down a chasm where there was no where to go but the endless dark that ate at the edge of his vision. It nipped at his arms and his legs and his fingers and toes. The echo of a voice cascaded around him but never touched his fragile ears. It was cold in the dark. And then suddenly warmth wrapped around him, and he knew it was Alex, because he had to be him - it had to had to had to be him. Nate’s breath came rapidly as his hands flailed at the touch but grasped at it too. One tear and then two fell as he sank into the relief of still having him. “I- I. I couldn’t f-find you.” He sniffled as he tried not to cry. Stop crying. He was so tired of crying.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex heard that rapid breath and his heart clenched as he held on. “Easy. I’m right here. I’ll never leave you. Shh. Baby.” Alex pressed his face to the top of Nate’s head and kissed it. He hated hearing Nate sniffle, hated seeing him cry and yet it seemed to be all either of them could do lately. “Come here. I want you to see something.” Alex said, moving just enough so he could lead Nate to the drop. It was beautiful and with the backdrop of the city, could signify new beginnings, a chance to heal and remember, live and honor their lost family members.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

Now that he had him, his breath slowed. He calmed. Slightly. He followed closely so that he couldn’t lose him again. He did not know what he would do if he lost Alex too. He loved everyone he lost, but he didn’t love any of them the way he loved Alex. He followed to the overlook and paused. “Oh.” It really was beautiful. Breathtaking. He wished all of his family could have seen this. It was the right kind of amazing for each of them. He looked down to open journal. The sketch that didn’t look like the rest. “Did you do that?”
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex noticed Nate was following closely and when they made it to the overlook edge, he heard that little word and the pause. Alex wrapped an arm around Nate’s back and pulled him close. “Beautiful isn’t it?” Alex said before he caught Nate look down and he blushed. “I uh, I was learning how to draw. He was supposed to teach me, and I guess. In his own way, he is. Through his journal. It’s not great yet but I’ll try my hardest.” Alex admitted as he looked back over the city.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

The beauty of the overlook was amazing, and it hurt his heart that no one else could see it. The beauty of the art that Alex created alongside Carlos’ also ached. Something also touched him in a way that made him both want to cry and smile. So he did. Just a little. The tears that were already threatening fell while his lips pulled up a little. “He would have loved that.” He wrapped his arms around Alex’s neck, standing between everything in the world that was so nice. “I think it’s beautiful.” The overlook. The view. The art. The learning to draw. The journal use. The memory.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex saw that smile and even though he saw tears fall too, it was a little more like the optimist he loved. “I’m sure he would’ve.” Alex said as he felt arms wrap around his neck. He looked at Nate and smiled, it may have been a smaller smile, but a smile nonetheless. “Thank you.” Alex replied. “Now, would you like breakfast or should we get moving? Or did we want to take a few more minutes and enjoy the sunrise?”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

Nate held onto him less like a lifeline and more like a thank you. Or possibly an apology. For now. “Give me a moment?” He turned his head so that it rested on Alex’s chest as he watched the sun move a little higher into the sky, the colors splashed across in exactly the way he imagined they would Carlos described them. He could see the moment where Carlos held onto Kaleb as he stared out the window that last night everyone was together. Kaleb who saw it first and Carlos who couldn’t help but look. They were so beautiful together. They brought hope. In that minute or so as he watched the changing colors, hope didn’t die. Hope was reborn. “Okay. Okay, we can move now. Um. Are you hungry?”
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex nodded when he heard that question. He simply held Nate as they watched the colors in the sky. He remembered the last night they were together. And he was going to draw that mural for Carlos. That was his goal. The beginning and the ending. The rising and setting of the sun. Four figures in the middle. Joined hands, arms around shoulders, a family. “I’m more hungry than I was last night. Are you hungry?” Alex said as he turned to lead them back to the blankets. Once there, he dug out the green beans and their utensils, handing one to Nate as he popped open the can once more.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

“I, uh, probably am?” He was terrible that he didn’t know. He of all people should know his own body. “It’s hard to tell. But I probably am.” He followed him back to the blankets and sat down to take the utensil and eat. He could eat more today than yesterday as long as he kept himself in check. If he thought too hard about anything, it was harder to stay sober. Like the fact that they were eating through the same can of green beans instead of needing a new one. Or the fact that they were so much quieter without two extra voices. Or the fact that he was not being constantly touched or bumped into.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex sat down, taking a few bites of the green beans. He had gotten so used to Carlos eating a lot, and eating from the same can as last night was weird. He managed to eat a few more bites than last night. But then he was full, and he wiped his utensil clean and put it away. “You ready to go into the city today?”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

One bite. Another. A third. That was enough for now. Enough to survive until his appetite came back. He wiped clean his utensil and put it away. Then he sat, silently, feeling the breeze against his cheeks. They were cold where the tears dried. The city. This was Seattle. This was where he was going. This was somewhere near where Alex ran from, and that wasn’t fair to him, but they were finding something better. They were going to find peace and safety and also a farmhouse. They were going to stop fighting. They were going to live. “Yeah.” He sat another minute quietly though before finally standing up. “Yeah, okay, let’s go.” Before helping to put away the blankets.
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[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; Washington

Alex put away the green beans and swallowed hard. Then he stood, looking out over the city. The same one he’d run from. The same one he’d come back to. And the same one he’d lost so much to get to. Alex helped put the blankets away, the journal was nestled in the pack safely and he swung it on his back. A hand out for Nate, ready to take the trail down to the forest. And in a few hours, they’d be there. Seattle. What used to be home.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly| 21 | Current location ;; Washington

They were almost there. They were going to find people like them. They were going to save the world. Nate took Alex’s hand and squeezed it to reassure them both. They both needed that. “Are you ready?” He asked. Because he didn’t know how much Alex couldn’t be ready for this. If only he had known.
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