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Realistic or Modern hollywood arts: main (open!!)
fin
"all i do is finesse, man."
code by low fidelity.
"Huh?" Jordan's eyes shot up from his phone at the noise coming from outside the janitor's closet. At this point he wasn't sure whether it'd be Juliette or another custodian arriving, but what did it matter? It felt like he'd already let everybody down in the single day he'd been back from suspension, and from the tone of whoever was outside, he had probably done something dumb with them too.
The person that strode in ended up being Juliette. Jordan already knew that he felt like he was being pulled at from a hundred different directions, but was it really that easy to tell? So obvious that Juliette's scolding had turned into a pity party? Fuck... He thought to himself. Quietly, he removed his hand from the straps of his backpack, and rose up to lock the door after JJ, before sitting down cross-legged once more. This time he patted at the empty space in front of him, beckoning Juliette to sit down just ahead of him.
When Jordan tried to speak it was like a lump had formed in his throat and none of his breaths could escape. He hardly ever felt nervous about anything, hell, he spent most of his time forgetting about things. But Gen, and JJ, as large as the distaste might've been between them, were both super important to him. He couldn't help but feel like a dick for having to choose between who he wanted to hang out with. Gen had made the choice for him, but that did little to take the load off.
But for the moment, talking about what he was feeling just didn't feel like an option. Jordan didn't want to feel like he was burdening Juliette with his problems either, and instead presented a a smile over at his-- it was hard to tell what they were. He leaned forwards from his criss-cross position and placed a kiss on Julie's cheek, before dropping back down, hands laid down against his thighs.
"If anything's wrong it's the amount of homework they're giving me already. Something about me not completing two weeks' worth of papers while I was gone." Jordan both shrugged and laughed, Good start, he thought to himself. That was almost making him smile already. "You can help me with my homework later genius, but I know that's not what you're talking about. Gen's a little iffy about me seeing you-- I only just told her about us. I know I wasn't supposed to but she's family, Jules."
Without a thought, Jordan stretched both hands out onto Juliette's lap, taking her hands into his as he spoke. "Don't triiip, babygirl." His tone teasing and relaxed, "She already told me she wouldn't tell anyone if that's what you're worried about. You trust me?" Jordan offered a softer smile at that. While he might have left out the giant rift Juliette was forming between himself and his childhood friend, he didn't need her freaking out over anything during his first day back. That was his problem, not Juliette's.
The person that strode in ended up being Juliette. Jordan already knew that he felt like he was being pulled at from a hundred different directions, but was it really that easy to tell? So obvious that Juliette's scolding had turned into a pity party? Fuck... He thought to himself. Quietly, he removed his hand from the straps of his backpack, and rose up to lock the door after JJ, before sitting down cross-legged once more. This time he patted at the empty space in front of him, beckoning Juliette to sit down just ahead of him.
When Jordan tried to speak it was like a lump had formed in his throat and none of his breaths could escape. He hardly ever felt nervous about anything, hell, he spent most of his time forgetting about things. But Gen, and JJ, as large as the distaste might've been between them, were both super important to him. He couldn't help but feel like a dick for having to choose between who he wanted to hang out with. Gen had made the choice for him, but that did little to take the load off.
But for the moment, talking about what he was feeling just didn't feel like an option. Jordan didn't want to feel like he was burdening Juliette with his problems either, and instead presented a a smile over at his-- it was hard to tell what they were. He leaned forwards from his criss-cross position and placed a kiss on Julie's cheek, before dropping back down, hands laid down against his thighs.
"If anything's wrong it's the amount of homework they're giving me already. Something about me not completing two weeks' worth of papers while I was gone." Jordan both shrugged and laughed, Good start, he thought to himself. That was almost making him smile already. "You can help me with my homework later genius, but I know that's not what you're talking about. Gen's a little iffy about me seeing you-- I only just told her about us. I know I wasn't supposed to but she's family, Jules."
Without a thought, Jordan stretched both hands out onto Juliette's lap, taking her hands into his as he spoke. "Don't triiip, babygirl." His tone teasing and relaxed, "She already told me she wouldn't tell anyone if that's what you're worried about. You trust me?" Jordan offered a softer smile at that. While he might have left out the giant rift Juliette was forming between himself and his childhood friend, he didn't need her freaking out over anything during his first day back. That was his problem, not Juliette's.
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gh0stwriter
Junior Member
code by low fidelity.
fin
"all i do is finesse, man."
code by low fidelity.
Kordei had quickly found himself consumed by his music. Past the love-song lyrics that he sang, it was his voice that shone through the piece. Unlike how he was most commonly described; rash, temperamental, adulterous... Kordei's voice was soothing to the ear, a potion that could make a person melt just by listening. There was a smoothness to the way that he sang, like spooning a fresh batch of butter. But with the softness of it came all of Kordei's emotion portrayed in his voice and fighting to reach the surface. It manifested itself as veins pulsing at his neck, his fingers clenched tight against the microphone, and his eyes shut tight as he wandered deeper into his own psyche.
On more than one occasion Kordei had been described as a modern-day Ray Charles. Where Ray practiced his own unique version of the Blues, and poured both heart and soul into his music, Dei did the same when it came to his R 'n B. The selling point for their similarities was that in spite of angel voices, both men had an insatiable sexual desire.
While Kordei's back had tensed initially at the surprise contact, his breath and singing refused to falter. The touch over him was familiar... Ice cold, and yet gentle against his body. Her smell was as unique, and attractive as usual. A short, yet sensual moan escaped his lips when he felt Alamara's chest tight against his back. He quickly fell back into his singing, this time with a smirk glued onto his lips.
She'd finally arrived.
Mara's presence only spurred a brighter fire inside of Kordei. Their energies' were in sync now, he could feel all of her, and she him. For Kordei Grant, being without the audience... without the fans and people cheering his name, that was when true vulnerability presented itself. He'd grown used to attention, he'd developed a lust for it even, but in being alone came weakness. The void of concert-goers, and his student section. Alamara was one of few people that could interrupt him in his headspace, if you could even call it that. Mara's appearance only spurred him to elevate the quality of his act.
As the piece came to an end, Dei's breathing grew heavy. The singing had him riled up and energized, but now his focus solely on Mara.
Kordei's dark brown eyes turned onto Alamara's light brown, he was able to make out the subtle green hues in her irides because of how close they were. For a moment, the auditorium was completely, and utterly silent. He was feeling out the scene with Mara, reading into her, before he kissed her. Passionately, and bold. Dei broke free of Alamara's hold, and turned to face her head on. It was then that he seized Mara into his arms, with her thighs squeezed firmly in his hands as he pulled her into him.
Moments later they were alone, and behind the velvet red curtains. Dei stood between Mara's legs, his hands were still firm beneath her thighs, and through kisses would knock against the wooden desk he'd placed Mara onto. In a way, being with Mara was like a music tune in itself. The same ecstasy that released itself with each and every high note exploded within Dei each time their tongues stroked against one another. There was a level of familiarity-- of chemistry, needed to perform a duet, and in the same notion, the latter applied to getting this close to someone else.
On more than one occasion Kordei had been described as a modern-day Ray Charles. Where Ray practiced his own unique version of the Blues, and poured both heart and soul into his music, Dei did the same when it came to his R 'n B. The selling point for their similarities was that in spite of angel voices, both men had an insatiable sexual desire.
While Kordei's back had tensed initially at the surprise contact, his breath and singing refused to falter. The touch over him was familiar... Ice cold, and yet gentle against his body. Her smell was as unique, and attractive as usual. A short, yet sensual moan escaped his lips when he felt Alamara's chest tight against his back. He quickly fell back into his singing, this time with a smirk glued onto his lips.
She'd finally arrived.
Mara's presence only spurred a brighter fire inside of Kordei. Their energies' were in sync now, he could feel all of her, and she him. For Kordei Grant, being without the audience... without the fans and people cheering his name, that was when true vulnerability presented itself. He'd grown used to attention, he'd developed a lust for it even, but in being alone came weakness. The void of concert-goers, and his student section. Alamara was one of few people that could interrupt him in his headspace, if you could even call it that. Mara's appearance only spurred him to elevate the quality of his act.
As the piece came to an end, Dei's breathing grew heavy. The singing had him riled up and energized, but now his focus solely on Mara.
Kordei's dark brown eyes turned onto Alamara's light brown, he was able to make out the subtle green hues in her irides because of how close they were. For a moment, the auditorium was completely, and utterly silent. He was feeling out the scene with Mara, reading into her, before he kissed her. Passionately, and bold. Dei broke free of Alamara's hold, and turned to face her head on. It was then that he seized Mara into his arms, with her thighs squeezed firmly in his hands as he pulled her into him.
Moments later they were alone, and behind the velvet red curtains. Dei stood between Mara's legs, his hands were still firm beneath her thighs, and through kisses would knock against the wooden desk he'd placed Mara onto. In a way, being with Mara was like a music tune in itself. The same ecstasy that released itself with each and every high note exploded within Dei each time their tongues stroked against one another. There was a level of familiarity-- of chemistry, needed to perform a duet, and in the same notion, the latter applied to getting this close to someone else.
Kitsune2202
One Thousand Club
Amethyst K. Jones
coded by incandescent
Kio.exe
Road work ahead? Uh, I sure hope it does...
LowkeyLovingLoki
heartbeat on the high line
code by valen t.
LowkeyLovingLoki
heartbeat on the high line
code by valen t.
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geminiy
v tired
As soon as Amy entered the room, the bright smile on Charlie’s face melted away. Her best friend was carrying an energy with her that caused a knot to form in the pit of Charlie’s stomach. She could tell from the gentle sag of Amy’s tired shoulders and the almost vacant look in her usually sparkling eyes that she was upset. To be fair, Charlie couldn’t blame her. The Fuckwad-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named had just broken her heart by cheating on her with his ex. If it was Charlie, she would have personally been a broken mess.
Amy’s quiet ‘nothing’ was the final straw that signalled the ‘protective best friend’ response in her brain. Her messages about being jealous of Charlie’s other friendships, specifically Lin, made Charlie extra worried about everything. She really had been neglecting her friendships since she broke up with Eli. She broke herself down and shut herself off from everyone she held dear, fearing getting hurt again. And, if she was being honest, she never really came back from it.
Charlie closed her notebook as she scooted over to make room for Amy beside her, patting the bench. Silently, Charlie watched her best friend. What was she thinking? What was she feeling? Why the hell didn’t humans come with big electronic signs over their heads that said what they were thinking?
“No.” She said suddenly, lodging the notebook on top of her guitar case. “We’re not gonna talk about music right now. There’s lots of time for songwriting. Right now, I need some Ames-Charlie rant time. We haven’t really had a chance to talk since…”
Charlie’s voice trailed off as if it had become lost in her chest. Since homecoming. Since Charlie broke down after her major performance. Since she ruined everything with her running mouth and loud opinions. Since she got drunk and punched Chas out. Since the Fuckwad-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named had the nerve to break Amy’s heart.
Since she almost kissed Lin.
Sighing heavily, Charlie slumped back against the wall behind her, running her hand through her hair. It was a mess. Everything was a mess. And, for the first time since said shit hit the fan, Charlie was processing it. Perhaps it was the pent up emotion that caused her to laugh, or the sincere absurdity of it all.
“Ames I really fucked up.” Charlie laughed, swiping her hand across her forehead. “I fucking beat up Chas and I got super drunk and was hungover for half the damn weekend and…”
Charlie trailed off once again. Was she ready to talk about what happened on the balcony that night? Absolutely fucking not. Did she need to talk about what happened? Absolutely fucking yes. Sitting up, Charlie swivelled herself to face Amy, legs crossed towards her.
“And dude, the whole thing with Lin?” Charlie continued, shaking her head with a laugh. “I guess I sorta knew I liked him before but we got all talky and shit and fuck, I almost kissed him. I really wanted to, too! That’s so fucked! He’s like one of my best friends, I shouldn’t have feelings for him. The whole thing is just so… Confusing. I swear, I think he would’ve ran out of the apartment screaming if I had actually kissed him.”
Pausing for a moment, Charlie laced her fingers together. She wasn’t entirely convinced that the last part was true. The way they were both acting that night made her believe otherwise. But they were both drunk as hell and freezing their asses off on her balcony and that wasn’t truly them. It couldn’t truly have been them. If it was, why hadn’t they almost kissed before? It was just drunk teenage stupidity, not real feelings. At least for Lin. Charlie knew what she was feeling was real.
“I like him, Ames.” Charlie finally sighed. “I’ve never felt this way about someone, not even Elias. Part of me wishes I had kissed him that night, when we were on the balcony. And if I’m being honest? I sort of regret not doing it. But we were both drunk and it was stupid and he doesn’t feel the same way and the whole thing is just dumb.”
Topic change, change the topic, change the channel, next radio station. Nope, nope, nope, too close to the feelings. Charlie reached up to rub the tension out of the back of her neck.
“You know, I think that’s the first time that I’ve said that out loud. That I like Lin, I mean. Not over text, not drunk, just genuine.” A weight lifted off her chest, replaced with a sudden fear. Charlie had peeled away a layer of her she had worked well to build up. She finally admitted it, finally let it out. But what would happen to that information now that it was out in the air?
“Enough about me.” Charlie redirected, speaking with a certain finality. Taking Amy’s hands in hers, she gripped them tightly and held them on her crossed legs. “How are you doing? And don’t give me that ‘I’m fine Charlie, don’t worry Charlie’ thing you do because I know it's not true.”
Amy’s quiet ‘nothing’ was the final straw that signalled the ‘protective best friend’ response in her brain. Her messages about being jealous of Charlie’s other friendships, specifically Lin, made Charlie extra worried about everything. She really had been neglecting her friendships since she broke up with Eli. She broke herself down and shut herself off from everyone she held dear, fearing getting hurt again. And, if she was being honest, she never really came back from it.
Charlie closed her notebook as she scooted over to make room for Amy beside her, patting the bench. Silently, Charlie watched her best friend. What was she thinking? What was she feeling? Why the hell didn’t humans come with big electronic signs over their heads that said what they were thinking?
“No.” She said suddenly, lodging the notebook on top of her guitar case. “We’re not gonna talk about music right now. There’s lots of time for songwriting. Right now, I need some Ames-Charlie rant time. We haven’t really had a chance to talk since…”
Charlie’s voice trailed off as if it had become lost in her chest. Since homecoming. Since Charlie broke down after her major performance. Since she ruined everything with her running mouth and loud opinions. Since she got drunk and punched Chas out. Since the Fuckwad-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named had the nerve to break Amy’s heart.
Since she almost kissed Lin.
Sighing heavily, Charlie slumped back against the wall behind her, running her hand through her hair. It was a mess. Everything was a mess. And, for the first time since said shit hit the fan, Charlie was processing it. Perhaps it was the pent up emotion that caused her to laugh, or the sincere absurdity of it all.
“Ames I really fucked up.” Charlie laughed, swiping her hand across her forehead. “I fucking beat up Chas and I got super drunk and was hungover for half the damn weekend and…”
Charlie trailed off once again. Was she ready to talk about what happened on the balcony that night? Absolutely fucking not. Did she need to talk about what happened? Absolutely fucking yes. Sitting up, Charlie swivelled herself to face Amy, legs crossed towards her.
“And dude, the whole thing with Lin?” Charlie continued, shaking her head with a laugh. “I guess I sorta knew I liked him before but we got all talky and shit and fuck, I almost kissed him. I really wanted to, too! That’s so fucked! He’s like one of my best friends, I shouldn’t have feelings for him. The whole thing is just so… Confusing. I swear, I think he would’ve ran out of the apartment screaming if I had actually kissed him.”
Pausing for a moment, Charlie laced her fingers together. She wasn’t entirely convinced that the last part was true. The way they were both acting that night made her believe otherwise. But they were both drunk as hell and freezing their asses off on her balcony and that wasn’t truly them. It couldn’t truly have been them. If it was, why hadn’t they almost kissed before? It was just drunk teenage stupidity, not real feelings. At least for Lin. Charlie knew what she was feeling was real.
“I like him, Ames.” Charlie finally sighed. “I’ve never felt this way about someone, not even Elias. Part of me wishes I had kissed him that night, when we were on the balcony. And if I’m being honest? I sort of regret not doing it. But we were both drunk and it was stupid and he doesn’t feel the same way and the whole thing is just dumb.”
Topic change, change the topic, change the channel, next radio station. Nope, nope, nope, too close to the feelings. Charlie reached up to rub the tension out of the back of her neck.
“You know, I think that’s the first time that I’ve said that out loud. That I like Lin, I mean. Not over text, not drunk, just genuine.” A weight lifted off her chest, replaced with a sudden fear. Charlie had peeled away a layer of her she had worked well to build up. She finally admitted it, finally let it out. But what would happen to that information now that it was out in the air?
“Enough about me.” Charlie redirected, speaking with a certain finality. Taking Amy’s hands in hers, she gripped them tightly and held them on her crossed legs. “How are you doing? And don’t give me that ‘I’m fine Charlie, don’t worry Charlie’ thing you do because I know it's not true.”
location
music room
mood
'who even knows'
outfit
casual
tags
amy
Kitsune2202
lin (mentioned)
ohdittoh
coded by natasha.
LowkeyLovingLoki
heartbeat on the high line
code by valen t.
Kitsune2202
One Thousand Club
Amethyst K. Jones
coded by incandescent
Amy was slightly confused watching her close her notebook, but sat beside her friend on the bench anyways. She wondered if she could really handle this conversation right now. She knew it was needed, she knew it was overdue...but they still both had classes after this. She'd rather not be even more of a hot mess internally or otherwise for them. Staying focused was already basically impossible, but the last thing she needed was a public break down.
Damn it! She shook the thoughts from her head. She was at it again, over thinking, thinking with only logic as if she were a machine and not human. Times like these she wishes that were true. Computers didn't get their hearts broken. Computers were an easy fix. Computer parts were easily replaceable, but what was she to do with a broken mind or heart? She couldn't just get new ones. It was deeper then the physical, and that's what was hell to reconcile with. That this was much deeper then anything she'd experienced before. Emotions were scary, the lack of emotions were scary, there was no safe harbor for her mind, and that was going to slowly drive her insane. She knew it...but it didn't stop her from falling down the path.
She listened to Charlie speak up again realizing that they really hadn't talked in a while. Sure they messaged a lot via text and twitter, but even at the game it was brief compared to their usual talks. Side bared by everyone else around them demanding more of their attention. They were both guilty of it. She could've tried hard, spent more time with her and less with Dei. Now more then ever she wishes she had. Maybe then she'd have seen what everyone else did. No...she still wouldn't have believed it. Not till it happened. that was the curse of truly believing in someone. She never wanted to accuse him of things she didn't see with her own eyes. She didn't think it fair, even though clearly fair wasn't something he was concerned with for her. Amy could've also spoken to her all weekend...but instead she'd locked herself away and shut down.
Before they could linger any longer on the fact they hadn't talked she decided to be the brave one and fill in all the gaps. The confessions pouring from her lips like word vomit almost it seemed. Sure Amy knew the gist of most of it due to said texts, but in person the confessions felt different. They were different. She could see the emotions on her friends face, see the anguish, regret, fear, confusion in her eyes. Radiating from her as she even was laughing at certain parts. Clearly a type of defense mechanism as she got all of this off her chest. Everyone had defense mechanisms, some more savory then others. Admitting this to be the first time she's spoken a lot of this out loud Amy hoped made Charlie feel a bit more relieved, even if just for a moment. However it did make it real, it did mean she couldn't hide behind the veil of denial anymore. In Amy's opinion...this was still better, still worth it in the end. You can't conquer demons you won't face or know are there.
Not that her liking Lin was a problem, at least she didn't think so. She personally thought they were a really good fit. Especially after hearing that she felt more strongly for him then she had with Eli. Maybe not stronger, but different. Different could be good. More then anything as Charlie was letting everything out, Amy wanted to really listen. She wanted to help weather that just be a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, advice or comfort to give. Whatever the case was she wanted to be that for her. "Well that's good. I hear the first time is the hardest." The corner of her lip quirked up a bit at the comment. She wanted to listen and give sound advice, but could she? She would definitely try, but what if her advice was clouded by the darkness looming inside of her at the moment. She wanted nothing but the best and happiness for her best friend, and she hopped to God she could give it to her, or help her along the way to finding it.
She looked her friend in the eyes once she was done explaining everything, took a deep breath to steady herself before continuing. "Char...Listen to me, I understand this is confusing for you and considering everything that's happened with you guys, with your past relationships that this is scary territory...but I have faith. I don't know. You say it's different and I believe you and if it feels different it'll be different." She kept to herself the thought 'one way or another'. She didn't need that pessimism, she has so much already on her plate with people like Chas constantly coming at her for no good reason other then they are shitty people.
The thoughts of Dei coming in didn't help either. She thought it was different too...well it was. Nate never cheated on her. Nate technically didn't lie either. Though some might say omitting information by saying nothing is the same or similar. It was different...this hurt a hell of a lot more. It was different for her, even though it might've been nothing but another knock in the belt for Dei. She couldn't believe the thought was crossing her mind that Nate might've in the end treated her better then Dei had. Nate wasn't constantly fighting with all her friends, Nate didn't have a reputation the cause everyone to think she was a fool for dating him. She didn't have near the same level of anger in her heart for Nate as she did Dei this past weekend...or even now. Despite doing everything she can think of to try and quell that rage it still burns.
She swallowed hard trying to keep her face clear of the negative war ragging in her mind, trying to still look hopeful for her because she was at least hopeful for her. The one light she could hold onto. "You are one of the most amazing people I know, and I know Lin knows that too. He's been...different too recently. Hell you got upgraded from rival to friend. I know he worries about you, and cares about you. Maybe it's all as confusing for him as it is for you." 'Feelings or no feelings' she once again kept to herself. Just because her mind was in darkness didn't mean she had to drag Charlie with her. "But He's shown he's willing and WANTS to to be at your side. He so desperately wanted you to still hang out with him today after school. He likes being around you I think just as much as you do him. Romantically or otherwise, I think This is a growing feeling for both of you, and you shouldn't be afraid to pursue it once you feel ready enough to do so." She grinned a slight chuckle leaving her lips with her next joke, "I mean unless he beats you to the punch of course. He does really like being first after all."
She took another soft breath leaning her head on Charlie's shoulder, as he hand gently squeezed her knee, "Take a breath...and take it one step at a time, in whatever direction that goes. Just one step at a time, and understand with every step that you are wonderful too, and deserving, and you can't always control who you fall for. But at least, you've got a chance at happiness. And at least you tend to like good hearted people, so there should be some safety of comfort in that. I hope. No matter how things go you will always have people in your corner, you will always have me." She encouraged. She knew Charlie was afraid of this going down like things had with Eli. You can't blame her for being afraid of loosing yet another best friend since good ones are so rare in this life. But living a life in fear isn't' what she wants for her best friend. Not forever. She just wasn't sure if the assurance of that was enough right now. If the promise of her friendship was enough. Her all on her own didn't seem to be enough for anyone. Not her parents, not Nate, Not Dei, not anyone. Everyone always wanted more, someone else, someone better. While Charlie would always have her she'd also always have Kenny, Trev, Ash, and so many more.
She knew the question was coming, but that didn't make her any more prepared to answer it. She let Charlie take her hands since the physical touch was warm and welcoming. She pressed her lips together in a painted but slightly forced smile. It's not that she wasn't happy to be here with her, cause she was. She was glad to get to finally talk to someone...but the topic was still...hard. She hadn't totally settled on how she felt just yet. Sure she knew the basics but she hadn't landed on fully am I gonna be a ragging bitch forever at him, Am I going repress this like it never happened? Am I gonna be an idiot and forgive him. There were many possibilities and combinations, and despite all her writing and effort she'd not landed on a solid one yet. Her songs different for each different mindset option she dabbled in.
Her voice was a bit shakier then when speaking before. Before she was at least mostly confident in her words, and at the very least she meant them. These were were shrouded in uncertainty and emotional turmoil. She'd be surprised if her voice didn't crack in the process. "Well damn taking all my lines is no fair." She giggled a bit nervously looking down at their hands.
"I'm...I don't know...emotional. Angry. That's how I knew I wasn't mad or angry earlier when we talked because I know the feeling of rage now. Keeping it quelled is a tiring full time task." She shrugged a bit looking up at her briefly to gauged her thinking. Seeing if she'd let her get away with the bare minimum...but this was Charlie, there was no way that was going to happen. She'd prod and pry with the best of intentions until she confessed. Might as well skip the middle mess. "It's overwhelming. I hate it. I hate being here, I hate the stares I get. Some out of pity, some snicker. So many people always thought I wasn't good enough for him to begin with you know? So many people told me this would be the outcome, and I was stupid and foolish, and I believed him instead of common fucking sense." She bit her lip looking back down her their hands before shutting her eyes tight imagining...remembering. It'd only been a morning, but it was already more then enough.
She started rambling all the thoughts she knew were going through peoples minds, what they whispered or not so whispered behind her back as she walked by. "Why would a guy like Kordei Grant be interested in a girl like me other then to just toy around right? We don't match. He's abrasive, and confident, and charming...I'm passive, insecure, and I'm kind, but there are lots of kind people here who are prettier then me, more talented then me. It's so damn clear to me now how stupid I was this whole time. How stupid I looked to everyone. My pride is so hurt because I'm ashamed of how badly I fell for that trap. I'm fucking smarter then that! Of course he'd go back to his Ex. Of course he couldn't resist the temptation to be seen as "the man" who can "have it all"." She snapped unintentionally. Not at Charlie more at herself. Most of this loathing while was directed towards him, was also at herself. "Just like the saying goes can't turn a hoe into a housewife, you can't turn a fuckboy into a husband...well in this case loyal boyfriend, but you get my drift." She spoke bitterly.
She swallowed hard and opened her eyes once more. They were glossy with the tears that were threatening to fall from her face, but wouldn't. She'd looked like enough of a fool already, she didn't wanna keep crying over a guy who wasn't even thinking of her anymore. Probably never really did. She straightened her back and pulled her hands slightly from Charlie back into her own lap. A false sense of fixing herself, as if fixing her posture would mend anything wrong with her. "It doesn't matter though. In the end he will still be him, no consequences, probably not even sorry as he hops into some other girls bed right away. Maybe Evie maybe someone else. Who knows maybe this wasn't even the first time?" She shrugged trying to re-seal off her emotions. She trusted Charlie with her emotions and her heart, but no one else in this damn school deserved to see it. This world had no right to her heart and she didn't know how much private time they genuinely had left.
"It doesn't matter how I feel. It matters how I handle the next few steps. It matters how I allow people to see what I want them to think I feel. That matters. That's how I fix things. How I fix myself and make amends to myself. I've gotta make it all mean something, to have been worth it in some way shape or form in the end. To turn this into something that will benefit me and push me forward. That's what matters, so…" She looked up with a broken smile turning her head to Charlie, "I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me. I will be ok even if I'm not ok right now. I will be. Because what he doesn't get to do is control my narrative." Her voice turned more firm, a fury of an undertone, "He doesn't get to make me some sad little pathetic heartbroken girl. No more poor little Amy. No more She's too soft, she's too passive. No more I couldn't handle it. As far as I'm concerned. I'm single, I can mingle, I am gonna focus on my work. I'm gonna show him I can make it without him, I can shine without him. I'm going to show everyone that. If there is one thing I learned from him is how to fake confidence until it's real." She ran both hands through her hair sighing. It was nice to say all of that a loud. Maybe she could pull it off in the end. "I can feel myself growing bitter. While I try to fight it, the scary part is I think I might like it." She whispered finally.
Damn it! She shook the thoughts from her head. She was at it again, over thinking, thinking with only logic as if she were a machine and not human. Times like these she wishes that were true. Computers didn't get their hearts broken. Computers were an easy fix. Computer parts were easily replaceable, but what was she to do with a broken mind or heart? She couldn't just get new ones. It was deeper then the physical, and that's what was hell to reconcile with. That this was much deeper then anything she'd experienced before. Emotions were scary, the lack of emotions were scary, there was no safe harbor for her mind, and that was going to slowly drive her insane. She knew it...but it didn't stop her from falling down the path.
She listened to Charlie speak up again realizing that they really hadn't talked in a while. Sure they messaged a lot via text and twitter, but even at the game it was brief compared to their usual talks. Side bared by everyone else around them demanding more of their attention. They were both guilty of it. She could've tried hard, spent more time with her and less with Dei. Now more then ever she wishes she had. Maybe then she'd have seen what everyone else did. No...she still wouldn't have believed it. Not till it happened. that was the curse of truly believing in someone. She never wanted to accuse him of things she didn't see with her own eyes. She didn't think it fair, even though clearly fair wasn't something he was concerned with for her. Amy could've also spoken to her all weekend...but instead she'd locked herself away and shut down.
Before they could linger any longer on the fact they hadn't talked she decided to be the brave one and fill in all the gaps. The confessions pouring from her lips like word vomit almost it seemed. Sure Amy knew the gist of most of it due to said texts, but in person the confessions felt different. They were different. She could see the emotions on her friends face, see the anguish, regret, fear, confusion in her eyes. Radiating from her as she even was laughing at certain parts. Clearly a type of defense mechanism as she got all of this off her chest. Everyone had defense mechanisms, some more savory then others. Admitting this to be the first time she's spoken a lot of this out loud Amy hoped made Charlie feel a bit more relieved, even if just for a moment. However it did make it real, it did mean she couldn't hide behind the veil of denial anymore. In Amy's opinion...this was still better, still worth it in the end. You can't conquer demons you won't face or know are there.
Not that her liking Lin was a problem, at least she didn't think so. She personally thought they were a really good fit. Especially after hearing that she felt more strongly for him then she had with Eli. Maybe not stronger, but different. Different could be good. More then anything as Charlie was letting everything out, Amy wanted to really listen. She wanted to help weather that just be a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, advice or comfort to give. Whatever the case was she wanted to be that for her. "Well that's good. I hear the first time is the hardest." The corner of her lip quirked up a bit at the comment. She wanted to listen and give sound advice, but could she? She would definitely try, but what if her advice was clouded by the darkness looming inside of her at the moment. She wanted nothing but the best and happiness for her best friend, and she hopped to God she could give it to her, or help her along the way to finding it.
She looked her friend in the eyes once she was done explaining everything, took a deep breath to steady herself before continuing. "Char...Listen to me, I understand this is confusing for you and considering everything that's happened with you guys, with your past relationships that this is scary territory...but I have faith. I don't know. You say it's different and I believe you and if it feels different it'll be different." She kept to herself the thought 'one way or another'. She didn't need that pessimism, she has so much already on her plate with people like Chas constantly coming at her for no good reason other then they are shitty people.
The thoughts of Dei coming in didn't help either. She thought it was different too...well it was. Nate never cheated on her. Nate technically didn't lie either. Though some might say omitting information by saying nothing is the same or similar. It was different...this hurt a hell of a lot more. It was different for her, even though it might've been nothing but another knock in the belt for Dei. She couldn't believe the thought was crossing her mind that Nate might've in the end treated her better then Dei had. Nate wasn't constantly fighting with all her friends, Nate didn't have a reputation the cause everyone to think she was a fool for dating him. She didn't have near the same level of anger in her heart for Nate as she did Dei this past weekend...or even now. Despite doing everything she can think of to try and quell that rage it still burns.
She swallowed hard trying to keep her face clear of the negative war ragging in her mind, trying to still look hopeful for her because she was at least hopeful for her. The one light she could hold onto. "You are one of the most amazing people I know, and I know Lin knows that too. He's been...different too recently. Hell you got upgraded from rival to friend. I know he worries about you, and cares about you. Maybe it's all as confusing for him as it is for you." 'Feelings or no feelings' she once again kept to herself. Just because her mind was in darkness didn't mean she had to drag Charlie with her. "But He's shown he's willing and WANTS to to be at your side. He so desperately wanted you to still hang out with him today after school. He likes being around you I think just as much as you do him. Romantically or otherwise, I think This is a growing feeling for both of you, and you shouldn't be afraid to pursue it once you feel ready enough to do so." She grinned a slight chuckle leaving her lips with her next joke, "I mean unless he beats you to the punch of course. He does really like being first after all."
She took another soft breath leaning her head on Charlie's shoulder, as he hand gently squeezed her knee, "Take a breath...and take it one step at a time, in whatever direction that goes. Just one step at a time, and understand with every step that you are wonderful too, and deserving, and you can't always control who you fall for. But at least, you've got a chance at happiness. And at least you tend to like good hearted people, so there should be some safety of comfort in that. I hope. No matter how things go you will always have people in your corner, you will always have me." She encouraged. She knew Charlie was afraid of this going down like things had with Eli. You can't blame her for being afraid of loosing yet another best friend since good ones are so rare in this life. But living a life in fear isn't' what she wants for her best friend. Not forever. She just wasn't sure if the assurance of that was enough right now. If the promise of her friendship was enough. Her all on her own didn't seem to be enough for anyone. Not her parents, not Nate, Not Dei, not anyone. Everyone always wanted more, someone else, someone better. While Charlie would always have her she'd also always have Kenny, Trev, Ash, and so many more.
She knew the question was coming, but that didn't make her any more prepared to answer it. She let Charlie take her hands since the physical touch was warm and welcoming. She pressed her lips together in a painted but slightly forced smile. It's not that she wasn't happy to be here with her, cause she was. She was glad to get to finally talk to someone...but the topic was still...hard. She hadn't totally settled on how she felt just yet. Sure she knew the basics but she hadn't landed on fully am I gonna be a ragging bitch forever at him, Am I going repress this like it never happened? Am I gonna be an idiot and forgive him. There were many possibilities and combinations, and despite all her writing and effort she'd not landed on a solid one yet. Her songs different for each different mindset option she dabbled in.
Her voice was a bit shakier then when speaking before. Before she was at least mostly confident in her words, and at the very least she meant them. These were were shrouded in uncertainty and emotional turmoil. She'd be surprised if her voice didn't crack in the process. "Well damn taking all my lines is no fair." She giggled a bit nervously looking down at their hands.
"I'm...I don't know...emotional. Angry. That's how I knew I wasn't mad or angry earlier when we talked because I know the feeling of rage now. Keeping it quelled is a tiring full time task." She shrugged a bit looking up at her briefly to gauged her thinking. Seeing if she'd let her get away with the bare minimum...but this was Charlie, there was no way that was going to happen. She'd prod and pry with the best of intentions until she confessed. Might as well skip the middle mess. "It's overwhelming. I hate it. I hate being here, I hate the stares I get. Some out of pity, some snicker. So many people always thought I wasn't good enough for him to begin with you know? So many people told me this would be the outcome, and I was stupid and foolish, and I believed him instead of common fucking sense." She bit her lip looking back down her their hands before shutting her eyes tight imagining...remembering. It'd only been a morning, but it was already more then enough.
She started rambling all the thoughts she knew were going through peoples minds, what they whispered or not so whispered behind her back as she walked by. "Why would a guy like Kordei Grant be interested in a girl like me other then to just toy around right? We don't match. He's abrasive, and confident, and charming...I'm passive, insecure, and I'm kind, but there are lots of kind people here who are prettier then me, more talented then me. It's so damn clear to me now how stupid I was this whole time. How stupid I looked to everyone. My pride is so hurt because I'm ashamed of how badly I fell for that trap. I'm fucking smarter then that! Of course he'd go back to his Ex. Of course he couldn't resist the temptation to be seen as "the man" who can "have it all"." She snapped unintentionally. Not at Charlie more at herself. Most of this loathing while was directed towards him, was also at herself. "Just like the saying goes can't turn a hoe into a housewife, you can't turn a fuckboy into a husband...well in this case loyal boyfriend, but you get my drift." She spoke bitterly.
She swallowed hard and opened her eyes once more. They were glossy with the tears that were threatening to fall from her face, but wouldn't. She'd looked like enough of a fool already, she didn't wanna keep crying over a guy who wasn't even thinking of her anymore. Probably never really did. She straightened her back and pulled her hands slightly from Charlie back into her own lap. A false sense of fixing herself, as if fixing her posture would mend anything wrong with her. "It doesn't matter though. In the end he will still be him, no consequences, probably not even sorry as he hops into some other girls bed right away. Maybe Evie maybe someone else. Who knows maybe this wasn't even the first time?" She shrugged trying to re-seal off her emotions. She trusted Charlie with her emotions and her heart, but no one else in this damn school deserved to see it. This world had no right to her heart and she didn't know how much private time they genuinely had left.
"It doesn't matter how I feel. It matters how I handle the next few steps. It matters how I allow people to see what I want them to think I feel. That matters. That's how I fix things. How I fix myself and make amends to myself. I've gotta make it all mean something, to have been worth it in some way shape or form in the end. To turn this into something that will benefit me and push me forward. That's what matters, so…" She looked up with a broken smile turning her head to Charlie, "I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me. I will be ok even if I'm not ok right now. I will be. Because what he doesn't get to do is control my narrative." Her voice turned more firm, a fury of an undertone, "He doesn't get to make me some sad little pathetic heartbroken girl. No more poor little Amy. No more She's too soft, she's too passive. No more I couldn't handle it. As far as I'm concerned. I'm single, I can mingle, I am gonna focus on my work. I'm gonna show him I can make it without him, I can shine without him. I'm going to show everyone that. If there is one thing I learned from him is how to fake confidence until it's real." She ran both hands through her hair sighing. It was nice to say all of that a loud. Maybe she could pull it off in the end. "I can feel myself growing bitter. While I try to fight it, the scary part is I think I might like it." She whispered finally.
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geminiy
v tired
Eli carefully pulled a chair out at an empty table for Jan before grabbing his own seat beside her, swinging his bag from his shoulder carefully to the ground. Students were slowly making their way in, filling up the previously empty studio. Leaning forward onto his elbows and resting his chin on his propped up hands, Eli offered Jan a smile as she talked.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of Arizona described as anything but hot and sandy and barren. Except for Phoenix, of course.” Eli spoke calmly, attempting to give off enough of a relaxed vibe for the both of them.
Of course, Elias was far from ‘chill’. He still felt awful about running into Jan and making what was likely already a weird and stressful day even weirder and even more stressful. But letting out the awkwardness that was bubbling around inside his head would’ve ruined any ounce of serenity that he had forced into himself. He needed to be calm, cool, collected.
“No no, never apologize for speaking your mind! I think it's great when people just let their thoughts flow, it really gives good insight into what someone is thinking.” Eli laughed, the forced calm on his face softening as Jan apologized for rambling on. He leaned back into the chair, lacing his fingers together and resting them gently on the tabletop.
“Let’s see,” Eli began, crossing his ankles below him. “New York City born and raised. My sister, Genevieve, is a model here. Our parents are photographers so she got into modelling. I’m a dancer so we travelled a lot so I got to do a lot of different competitions and such. We ended up here at the end of tenth grade and I think that’s pretty much it. The abridged version of Elias Johannes.”
Tapping his phone screen to wake it up, Elias blinked a few times. Shit, he was gonna be late for class. Standing up, Eli grabbed his bag and carefully slung it over his shoulder. Placing a hand on Jan’s shoulder, Eli smiled warmly down at her.
“I’ve gotta run to class but hopefully I’ll see you around!” Eli chirped sweetly, his bright smile lighting up his face. “Have a great first day!”
✩══════════════════✩
As lunch rolled around, Eli was quick to leave his class behind him. He needed to see Ash and just get everything out of his head. It had been a long few days.He had spent his first period class being an absolute fool and thinking about Jan, mostly worrying about if she was okay and adjusting well to the school, and second period trying to talk Gen down off the ledge.
With cookies in hand and hugs at the ready, Eli made his way outside to their designated meetup spot: a rickety picnic bench underneath a large tree towards the back of the school. As soon as Ash came into view, Eli immediately perked up as his speed increased. Hopping over the bench and plopping down beside Ash, Eli placed the container of cookies onto the table before wrapping Ash up into a tight bear hug.
“Ashhhhh!” Eli laughed, resting his head on top of hers. “Ugh, it's good to see you. It has been one hell of a morning. How are you? How are things with you know who? Fill me in.”
coded by natasha.
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