Our Secrets ((GxG))

[Memster101]

((I'll try and keep that in mind The same goes for you! I know what it's like to feel kinda alone and I hate knowing that I let other people feel like that >< And that's fine, mine might be a little wonky. I think I might be a little drunk and/or tipsy. (it took me like five times to type that last word ohmylord) ^^*))


My smile softened at her words and I chewed at my lip, knowing very well that without her, there was a good chance I wouldn't have still been on this earth. Whether or not she knew that was beyond me, but it was true and I felt she at least sensed that. I sighed when I glanced at the clock, knowing my parents would be home soon and that we should probably retreat to my room before we were bombarded with questions. "Should I grab the left overs from the fridge and we can head back up to my room?" I suggested, though not really wanting to move.


Despite the question though, I leaned down, kissing her with surprising longing, arching my body against hers briefly. A mischievous smile rose to my lips as I pulled back suddenly before she could get too involved with the kiss, promptly getting off her. When I could manage to overcome my shyness, I was often a huge tease. "To the kitchen!" I mused and headed off into said room.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Well thank you. -w-


Eish xD Wait. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Aren't you a bit young for that, Miss. I-just-graduated-high-school? ))


I whimper loudly when Teag gets off me, knowing how it drives her crazy when I do that.. I then quickly stand as well, gasping out in pain when I'd extended my legs apparently a bit too far... I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, sitting again for only a moment before I stand, slower this time, and rush after my girlfriend. "The only thing I want to eat right now is you, you tease!" I shout to her, deciding that two could play at this game...


It was strange... Even though such an awful thing happened to me just a week ago, I feel so happy with Teagan... I still remember it, and the pain's still there-obviously- but... She just makes it seem so okay. Not the event that happened, but.. Life. She makes life seem okay to me. Not as hopeless as it'd seemed when I cut my wrist, nor as difficult as when I got drunk. Even though I was with her for the drunkenness, I was still afraid. I was staying cautious, and so was she. But right now, we're just opening up..Being ourselves without hesitation, and that's what I need right now... And I'm so grateful we can be this way.

 

[Memster101]

(( Uhmmm, noooo >> Shhhh >< My tummy is punishing me enough so no need to tisk on me! ))


I had just pulled out the left over breakfast when she returned fire. Instantly, once more I was bright red again. Unfortunately,she knew how to push my buttons just right to where I'd become shy, often stuttering too much to make a fairly witty comment. Swallowing deeply, I took the plastic lid off the container and popped the food into the microwave, guest-amating that roughly two minutes should be enough to warm the food up. What was also unfortunate though is while her comment embarrassed the hell out of me, it also started up that familiar want.


I leaned back against the counter as casually as possible, letting the sweater fall off and bare my shoulder and the beginnings of my chest. I grinned and rose a brow at Mir, despite knowing that my face was still fairly red. "Why don't you come and eat then before the food warms up?" I teased, inwardly rolling my eyes as I felt the blush creep down my neck. I was happy that we could seemingly still fool around like this. I knew that this changed nothing and that was still had to be somewhat careful, but to ease more or less back into our usual habits would be good for the both of us.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Awh x3 Well, hopefully your tummeh realizes you've had enough, soon enough. ))


I lick my lips then bite the bottom one, walking toward Teag while making sure to sway my hips a bit more than necessary. It's strange.. Even though I was 100% a virgin before Teag, I've learned that I can move like the most skilled stripper... And I use that against her whenever I can. And the fact I'm crazy flexible? Yeah.. That just adds to the fun.


Once I reach her I put my hands on the counter behind, pressing my body firmly against hers before leaning down and kissing along her collar bone, then nipping, then sucking. My hands slowly move under the back of her sweater, and start dancing along her spine. I look up at her through my lashes, moving to a new, unblemished part of her skin and doing the same. I know it's an extremely seductive look, and I know without a doubt that I'm gonna win this...

 

[Memster101]

(( It has xD Don't try and get drunk off Listerine xD Bad life choices >> ))


I swallowed unconsciously when she stepped towards me and trapped me against the counter, knowing already right then I was going to loose. I pretty much always did with our little games, but it never stopped me from trying. It wasn't like I was ever opposed to what she often resorted to, to win either. My breath caught in my throat some as she started to go at my collar bone once again, my head lulling back against the cabinet slightly in pleasure. Even I was amazed by how quickly she had adapted when we first started to explore the intimate side of our relationship. Especially with how...talented she was.


My hands moved to her hips and I pulled them closer to mine, before growing unsatisfied and brought one of her legs up to my own hips, allowing for some more room. I rubbed absently at her thigh, making sure to keep my touch gentle when I recalled her earlier discomfort, but also softly massaging. "Why do you have to be so good?" I breathed in a half-hearted whine, my free hand trying to decide whether to tangle into her hair and move down to her behind.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Oh dear... Yeah.. I can see where that'd go wrong. ;w; ))


When Teag hikes up my leg I just push my body even closer to hers. I then smirk against her skin when she whines at me. "Because I love you, babe." I whisper, moving one of my hands from her back to hook my finger around the front of the sweater, pulling it down a bit and trailing my tongue down her now-exposed skin. Where her shirt starts again, I just stop and once more move to leave a short trial of hickies along her, knowing how much she loves them. She's never straight up told me that before, but it's fairly obvious... She always has the most amazing reactions when I leave hickies on her...


"What would you do..." I start kissing back up her chest, "If I were to..." I get to her neck, nipping gently at the skin before kissing again toward her jaw line, "Just sort of..." I kiss the edge just outside her lips, mine hovering just over hers as I speak once more, "Stopped." And with that, I smirk, pulling myself back from her totally, biting my bottom lip and taking a few steps backward.

 

[Memster101]

(( ^^* Maybe I'll learn my lesson xD Oh the ventures of being a desperate baby college student >> ))


I cursed under my breath as her kisses dropped lower, my hand shooting to tangle into her hair tightly. A pleased smile graced my lips when I felt her loving attacks continue down to the top of my chest and I pressed my hips closer to hers, a soft whine escaping my lips at not being able to get closer and at the pesky clothing between us. A curious frown touched my lips as she started to speak, wondering what devious plans she might have up her sleeve. Just how fair did she plan to go while we were in the kitchen, at full access to anyone who walked in through the door? At the same time, it was kind of exhilarating know that there was a chance of that happening.


I leaned forward to meet her lips when I felt the brush against mine and then promptly froze when she pulled away from me. Did she just pull a me? "What. The. Actual. Fuck," I breathed, my eyes going wide. I stood there, kind of frozen, not really sure what to do with myself. Part of me wanted to shove her onto the tile floor right there and the other wanted to hit something. "You did not pull a Teagan." My breath was coming in soft gasps and I was visibly trembling with want. I knew she would obviously be pleased with herself and I would have been too, if it hadn't be me on the other end.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Haha, poor little baby college student. x3 I do hope you don't try that again.. I can't imagine it tasted good... or in any way has been good for you. ))


I giggle, wiggling my eyebrows suggestively. "You're right... I pulled away from a Teagan." I wink, then take a few steps forward, my hands wrapping around Teag's waist as I look down at her lips, then to her eyes through my lashes. "What're you gonna do about it?" I taunt, my breath coming in slight pants. I hadn't realized it quite as bad before since I was focused on teasing her, but hell... I can feel my body starting to burn from the want building in me.


"And you'd better be careful, babe." I lick my lips, pulling our fronts flush together. "Your front door's right there." It was honestly sort of thrilling... Even so much as kissing in this area where we could so easily be discovered. I almost wanted to see how far we could go... What we could get to before we were interrupted, then how her parents would react... I don't know if I'd actually want to test that out, but.. I'm certainly thinking about it. Especially with how I can see her wanting me, too... Oh yeah... This isn't going to end innocently.

 

[Memster101]

(( Not at all xD My teeth are a little whiter though and my breath smells good xDD))


A soft growl left me as I pulled her closer, instantly meeting her lips. Momentarily my promise to keep myself under check was forgotten and I bit at her lip, none too gently either. While I may have been a tiny thing, under moments like this I tended to outdo myself when properly persuaded. Without much warning, I grabbed under her legs, lifting her up long enough to flip us around and set her onto the counter. The height difference now would have been a disadvantage..if I had been trying to kiss her lips. A devilish grin appeared on my lips as I seized the opportunity to push her shirt up over her chest. "Who's in trouble now?" I breathed against her skin, looking up at her from underneath my own lashes.


My hands moved to the upper part of her back, pushing her chest towards me as I kissed at what wasn't covered by her bra, gently nipping and sucking. I wasn't sure what was more of a turn on for me, the idea of possibly getting caught, or knowing just how badly she wanted me in return. One of my hands toyed with the clasp of her bra and once again I looked up at her through my lashes, smirking against her skin.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Well. At least there's that. xD It wasn't a total waste after all!!!x3))


I can't help the moan that falls from my lips when Teag bites my lip. I don't know what, that's just always been.. A pretty big turn on for me. So when she picks me up and puts me on the counter, I immediately know what she's going to do. And even though I try to brace myself for what I was about to feel, it just doesn't work... My skin burns wonderfully where she touches, and aches where she kisses. When I see her smirking at me while playing with the clasp of my bra, I wrap my arms tightly around her waist, smirking right back. "Don't you even think about stopping this here."


I bite my bottom lip, then lean down and whisper into Teag's ear, my hands reaching under her shirt at her shoulders, slowly dancing across her skin. "You've got to take responsibility for turning me on like this..." I grin as I nip at her ear lobe then kiss her jaw, pulling back and leaning my head back against the counter, pushing my chest a bit closer toward her. "Now. Do as you will, my love~"


((Aaaand, cue the parents. That'd be effing hilarious. xD ))

 

[Memster101]

(( Yay accidental dental hygiene! And yusss xD Also, I might disappear. My friend wants to see me >> ))


I moaned softly when she started to bite at my lobe, half tempted to stop despite the demand. I couldn't bring myself to do it, rather enjoying the moment a little too much. I swiftly undid her bra clasp and pulled the item off, dropping it somewhere on the counter beside her. During some point of this, the microwave had gone off and was now beeping for attention. I ignored it. I met her eyes as I moved to her now exposed skin, my hands moving over her shoulders to keep her back arched into my mouth. I was breathing heavily and my head felt light, but I was enjoying every second of this. That was until I heard the fumble of keys in the door lock.


My eyes went wide and I yanked Mir's shirt down over her chest, knowing that even though we were both covered, with how red our faces were it was a dead give away to what we had been up to. I helped Mir slide off the counter and leaned back as casually as I could. The door opened at my parents came through the door, idly chatting. They stopped when they saw us, blinking in mild confusion. "Miranda...Teagan...I see you two have been busy," My mom mused, raising a brow. I blushed and felt it deepen ten shades when I noticed my dad eyeing Mir's bra on the counter. I quickly stanched it up, shoving it somewhat into my pocket.


"Uhm.. yeah. We were just getting a little dinner..." My voice was pitched several octaves too high and by the way my parents were raising their brows, I could tell they were noting the marks on our skin. "U-U-Uh...we'll be out of your hair real quick once we get our food."

 

[Zotohxan]

((Haha, yes! x3


And that's fine~ I may as well.. I'm incredibly tired after today, and I keep almost falling asleep. >w>))


Okay, so.. Maybe getting caught isn't quite as fun as I'd somewhat anticipated it to be... It's actually horribly embarrassing, and I can't even imagine just how red my face is, especially when I saw Teagan's Dad notice my bra on the counter. Through Teag's explanation I move to hide myself behind her, bending down a bit to hide my face against her back. I didn't say anything, somewhat terrified that my words would just slip out and I'd say something stupid.


...I'm not that good under pressure.. That's why I'm not even risking greeting them or in any way aiding Teag's story. I'd probably just make everything worse. I really don't know how they're going to react, and it worries me a bit... I don't want to be kicked out tonight. I can't go back home, I.. I can't face my parents until I absolutely have to.

 

[Memster101]

(( I just got home and it's three >> I have to be up at 5:40... It's like, do I really bother trying to sleep? xD ))


"Okay then... I guess we'll leave you to it," My dad said, casting a glance at my mother. They both retreated to the living room, leaving Mir and I alone to deal with our embarrassment. I snatched the now cooling food from the microwave, along with a pair of forks and knives, before leading Mir up into my room as quickly as possible. As soon as the door shut, I chuckled softly. "Well... that was...interesting," I murmured, setting the food down on my bed. I was glad they hadn't made a scene, knowing that it would have only made all of us feel ten times more awkward.


I smiled slightly as I pulled her bra from my pocket and held it out for her, not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. When she took it I took a seat on the bed, letting my eyes roam over her idly as I thought about what had been so rudely interrupted. The want had been smothered sadly at both the sight of my parents an the embarrassment I felt, but it still didn't mean I couldn't wonder about what might have happened. A smile played on my lips some before I was able to clear my head. "Come sit down and eat," I told her, setting one set of silverware on one side of the plate while I left mine on the other.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Awwh ;w; Well, I hope you got at least a little sleep!))


I just stare at my bra for a few moments before throwing it off to the side. I honestly didn't even feel like putting it on at the moment.. I just nod to Teag, still horribly embarrassed after being caught by her parents. I sit across from her on the bed and send her a small smile, take a few deep breaths, and finally speak. "I'm sorry.. I knew what time your parents were getting home, I shouldn't have antagonized you.." I reach up and scratch the back of my head biting my bottom lip. "But... It was nice while it lasted." I then scrunch up my nose, looking at Teag with a slight pout. "Except for the fact that your Dad was just kinda staring at my bra as if it may explode.. That.. That wasn't very cool.."


I pick up my fork and cut off a few pieces of pancake, happily shoving them into my mouth. The slight teasing I'd done to Teag a moment ago with telling her how nice it was helped me to calm down a bit, but then it just kinda amped back up when I thought about her father seeing my bra. But I try not to focus on that, because it's sending other horrible, ludicrous, terrifying ideas through my head.. 'He won't hurt me... It's Teag's dad, I've known him for years.. he's a good man, he's not like that one.. He won't hurt me.' I try desperately to convince myself, but the fear is still there.. And i feel terrible about it, making my eating go a bit slower than usual, and leaving me unable to look my beautiful Teagan in the eye.

 

[Memster101]

(( I slept a little. I started feeling really sick though so I left school early >< No one to blame but myself on that one though so >< What are your plans for the day?))


I smiled at her admission, nodding my agreements to the pleasure of the situation. "I could have taken us up here at any point in that time, you're not the only one to blame," I soothed, rubbing lightly at her knee. A soft laugh escaped me at her comment, simultaneously finding his expression hilarious and extremely embarrassing. It was like he had never seen a bra before. Of course, it was a little different when it was your daughter's girlfriend's instead of the women of you house hold's. Leaning back on my arms, I once more studied Mir's expression, watching her eat. It was a bad habit I had, just zoning out and staring at her, and she often had to wake me out of it when she got too weirded out.


Though, I noted her slowed eating and the fact she refused to meet my gaze. A frown touched my lips and I tipped Mir's chin, wanting her too look up at me. "Hey, what are you thinking about?" I asked, head tipping to the side. I knew that it probably had to relate somehow to the events of last week and that saddened me. It was inevitable, and absolutely understandable that she would continue to have random flashes of it, but that didn't mean I wasn't saddened about it.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Then take the day to relax! Drink lots of water and eat crackers or something. ;w;


And nothing, really.. I'll probably just spend my day writing, RPing, reading... ~Totally not a nerd~ How about you?))


I flinch when Teag taps my chin. I didn't mean to, but.. It was just a sort of reflex. I felt tears start to well up in my eyes and it makes me look away even more. "Sorry..." I whisper, swallowing hard. I take a few deep breaths, forcing myself to get out of that sick, disturbing mindset. It takes a minute or two, but I'm finally able to look Teag in the eye again and force a small smile. "I'm fine.. Sorry about that." I shake my head as if I were trying to shake away my previous thought process-which I was.


My fork hits against the plate and makes a horrendous screeching noise, making me cringe. "Sorry.." I mutter, realizing that I'd not brought it down on the eggs like I meant to. I try again and let out a sigh of relief when I manage, hoping that Teag didn't see the slight trembling to my hand, er, well.. To my whole body.

 

[Memster101]

(( That's the plan And that sounds fun! Probably a little of the same. I have a quiz in one of my classes tomorrow that I've got to read some stuff for so there's that >> ))


My gaze softened when I saw the tears in her eyes, wishing I could help some how. I knew she just had to get it out of her system though and all I could really do was be there to hold her when she would let me. I winced myself at the loudness of the sound, nose scrunching up a little in annoyance. Aside from loud music, all other loud things tended to annoy me and put me on edge. It wasn't like Mir had meant to do it though, so I couldn't really be mad at her. I picked up my fork and idly spun in between my fingers,letting my mind drift for a short time as I let her gather herself once more.


When would be the right time to suggest going to the cops? It had to be fairly soon so they could still do a rape kit on her and have any chance of finding the bastard. And who was to say that it wasn't too late? Another thing we'd have to invest in is probably a pregnancy test.... As much as I hated to think about the idea of any part of that man making home in my Mir, I knew it was a very possible and very real thing that we would have to deal with. And what if she was pregnant? Could she go through an abortion? It was a subject we had loosely talked about but I had never asked if she could go through with one. I didn't know if I could stand to see the spawn of him grown inside of her though. And if she decided not to abort...would she keep the baby? We were still so young to have to think about a child in our lives.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Oh fun. More quizzes. *w* I wish you luck!))


I take in a few final deep breaths before putting my fork down and leaning over to deeply kiss Teag, hoping that'd show her that I'm alright. Though, I don't really know if I am... Right when our lips touched, even though I initiated it, it sent a frightened chill down my spine...I hope beyond hope that Teag just takes it as a shiver of pleasure..? I mean.. If she wants to get back at what we were doing in the kitchen, I'd be fine with that.. I know that where my mind is right now it'd still scare me just a bit, but.. I'd be fine. I wouldn't freak out, and I'd make sure she feels just how much I love her, and respect her, and never want to hurt her... She'd never notice how badly I felt about the idea of being touched down there...


"Babe-" I start, giving her a small smile. "Can you smile for me?" I ask, wanting to get her out of whatever train of thought she was in. It didn't exactly look pleasant, judging by the far-off look in her eye, accompanied by a frown. "Or kiss me, or eat me, or something?" I tease, widening my smile a bit. 'Eat me' had always been a bit of a joke between us.. Mostly at my expense. When we first made love I honestly didn't know what anything was.. I knew nothing of sex really, and well... I may or may not have freaked out when mouths started being used for various things. It felt good, but.. After, I started freaking out about her trying to eat me. And I guess it's just always stuck?

 

[Memster101]

(( I hope so >< I have to do an interview for that class and the first part is do tomorrow but I wont actually be able to talk to the guy I'm interviewing until after that class so I get to pretend that I have all my work done xD ))


I met her lips, a little absently since I was still deep in thought, and unfortunately missed the shiver. When she started to speak though, I shook myself out of my head and turned my attention once more to her. A grin touched my lips and I rose a brow at her request, fondly recalling the history behind the phrase. She had asked me about it one day after school, having heard someone say something in the halls about their significant other 'eating them out.' I had all but cried laughing when she asked me, and informed her that I would have to educate her, but never specified how. Oh lord had she squealed when I started at it, shoving me away and off the bed in surprise. It took about five minutes of convincing for her to actually let me go through the task and during it all she did for awhile was squirm and make discomforting noises. Once she relaxed though...I think she earned a greater appreciation for it.


"Mmm... I think I could manage that," I mused, patting lightly at my tummy. "I do have some spare room." Setting the food aside, gently grabbed her legs, pulling her to me and onto her back. I positioned myself between her legs, pushing her shirt up so I could softly kiss at her stomach. I kept the kiss light and playful though, wanting to tease and tickle her, but also test how she was doing before deciding to go all in if that's where things decided to lead.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Haha, nice! xD Well I do hope it goes well for you~ ^-^))


I bite my bottom lip, unable to stop a soft giggle from falling through as I feel Teag's lips against my stomach. I could already feel a bit of foreboding grow in my stomach, just at the simple, sweet action. I don't know if I can do this.. I put my hands over my face, giving Teag a seductive look just before, hoping she thought I was just hiding a blush. But in reality, i could feel tears forming in my eyes and just didn't want her to see. I could do this... We did a lot in the kitchen, and.. In the past we've made love in all sorts of ways.. Soft, playful, from boredom, rough, teasing, but.. It was all from love, we always respect one another, and it always turns out fine.. I just need to focus on that, and I'll be okay. Teag won't hurt me... This is going to be amazing, as always.


But then... Why was my body starting to shake? Why were whimpers coming from my lips? Why were the man's marks left on my body burning mercilessly? I move my hands away from my face, opening my eyes as I desperately needed to see some form of light... I also need to see Teagan's face, to prove to myself that it's her here, no some sick man. "I'm sorry..." I choke out, forcing myself not to release the sobs that so desperately want to come out. "I can't do it... I-I can't stop... Thinking about him, Teag..." I put my hands into my hair, clenching my fists around the strands and tugging, just desperately wanting him out of my mind. "I'm so sorry..."

 

[Memster101]

(( Oh my god I hate myself. *Due xD And thanks, I'll need it xD ))


I paused momentarily when I saw her cover her face, wondering why she did so. I loved looking up at her face during sex, or even just playful teasings, relishing her unguarded pleasure and beauty, and she knew this. Even I tried to refrain from covering my own face when the positions were switched, so why hide it now? When I dropped lower to her pant line, absently tugging at her sweats to inch them down, I could hear her whimpering and quicken breath. A frown touched my lips, unsure whether they were from pleasure or anxiety. They didn't sound like her normal sounds. Opening my eyes, I saw the distraught on her face and instantly pulled back before I could upset her more.


My heart broke as I listened to her try and explain herself, hating that I had upset her. Hating myself for not noticing her discomfort sooner. I tugged her shirt back over her stomach and readjusted her pants into place before pulling her to me. "It's okay..." I breathed, stroking her hair, trying to loosen her fingers before she hurt herself. "Shh...you have nothing to be sorry about..."

 

[Zotohxan]

(( xD It's cool! I've done the same thing.. ;w; And I'm sure lingering Listerine hangover doesn't help. ))


When I feel Teag's fingers stroking through my hair I release it, and move instead to cling to her shirt. "God.. I'm an awful girlfriend..." I whimper, hiding my face against her shoulder. "I can't even... You can't.. We can't even do anything, and it's my fault... I'm sorry, I.. I know I shouldn't be scared, and.. I'm not scared of you, but I can't get his... His eyes out of my head... And, everywhere he marked me..." I only mentioned this because I knew she must've seen them while I was drunk, "They burn, Teag... I just want to carve them off my skin..." I didn't mean to say that part, though... It made the wound on my wrist hurt, but it's only when I briefly open my eyes to glance at it that I realize why...


Apparently I'd been holding too tightly to Teagan's shirt, and to strain split open the cut... And now there were a few blood spots on the shirt, and it was running down my arm. "Shit!" I whisper yell, quickly putting my hand over it and lowering my head. I know Teag would be ashamed of me when she realizes what it is... After how difficult it was for her to stop, and how much hell we both went through to help her through getting over her self-harm addiction... I can only imagine how much she'd hate me when she finds out I'd done the same thing to myself. But, I guess I deserve that.... She doesn't hate me, after all, for what the man did, or for ignoring her for a week, or for using her just for sex... This must be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and that thought terrifies me. "I'm sorry..." My voice is once more pleading as I repeat those two words. Today, they seem like two of the only words I know...

 

[Memster101]

(( Very true >>. And sorry, I passed the hell out xD ))


I tried to sooth her as she stressed, wishing there was some way I could take away the pain. I hated that the man had hurt her like this, ruined our love for Mir. It was so unfair for her and once again my anger started to boil up in my stomach. Another frown touched my lips when I heard her gasp, wondering if I had accidentally pulled on her hair or something. When I leaned back to examine her, a questioning tilt to my lips, I realized she was staring at her wrist. Of course it would be tender from the attack as well as our own excursion from this morning. Somewhere I had a small wrist brace floating around my room, maybe I could untangle myself from her long enough to find it?


My eyes popped wide when I saw the oozing wound, at first wondering what the hell had happened before the familiarity of it registered to me. I grabbed her wrist firmly, another spout of anger flaring up. "What the hell is this?" I demanded, searching her face, waiting for an answer. How could she do this to herself? Did she not remember the pain and struggle we went through the first almost year and a half of our relationship and still even to this day with my self endangering habits? How could she think that this was an answer? Before she could explain herself, I had let go of her wrist and was kneeling on the floor, rummaging under my bed.


When I resurfaced, I dropped a small box on the mattress and dumped the contents out. Band aids, gauze, a small bottle of cleansing alcohol, a lighter, and even a few old razor blades laid out on my bed. Once again I took her wrist, shifting higher onto the balls of my feet so I could get better access to it. Grabbing a water cup from my nightstand,I gently poured it over to wash away the blood that had run down her arm and with practice ease, started to clean the area, absently wiping at it with the sleeve of the sweater. When I had managed to get the bleeding to stop momentarily, I took the opportunity to quickly wrap her wrist up in gauze. During this, my hair had fallen into my face, blocking it from her view so she couldn't see the tears in my eyes.


"Don't do this to me...To yourself," I whispered as I smoothed the bandage into place. "Don't go down that road..." My voice had taken on the stoic, somewhat cold quality it tended to get when I was crying. Absently, I kept smoothing my thumbs over the area, trying to keep the tears back. I hated crying, always had and always would. In our long relationship I had made sure that Mir had only seen me cry a handful of times and those had only been during some of my worst episodes. I gritted my teeth an shut my eyes, trying to pull myself together.

 

[Zotohxan]

((Nah, you're good Hope you slept well~))


I whimpered in fear when Teag shouted at me, but I knew she wouldn't hurt me.. I think the fear was more that she would hate me, rather than turn on my physically. But I know she's angry... I couldn't reply to her, I just... I didn't have the strength. I once more had tears rolling down my face, and I just wanted it all to stop. I watch as she stands, opening my mouth to beg her not to leave me, but feeling myself drift easily into relief as she just digs under her bed. But that relief doesn't last long... I feel my heart drop when I see the blades and the lighter, and I can't help but turn my head away. I'd have to remember to throw those things out... She doesn't even need the reminder of them, as far as I'm concerned.


Another gasp of pain comes when the alcohol is poured over the wound, it burned and stung horribly... Worse than when I first cut? I don't know... Maybe. But what hurt even more than that, was hearing her voice... I could tell she was crying, and I hated that I did that to her. Again. Once she's through bandaging my wrist I lean over the side of the bed, wrapping my arms tightly around my Teag. Hoping that she wouldn't push me away. "I'm sorry..." Again I whisper, not trusting my voice to be any louder. "It was just the once... I-I thought it would help ,but... It didn't." I sniffle back more tears, shutting my eyes tightly as I hold Teag even tighter. "It was stupid... I'll never do it again, I don't even want to... All it did was hurt, it didn't help rid me of anything he did... Please forgive me, Teag.. I wasn't really even thinking when I did it, it just popped into my head when I was having some sort of breakdown or something... it was only two days after he did it... I-I was thinking about it constantly, and I couldn't stop myself..." I pull back from the hug, looking into her eyes and silently begging to go along with the verbal. "I swear... I'll never even think about hurting myself again, just... Please don't hate me..."


I know I'm probably too much for her... Sure she was a mess when we first met, and it's only been in the past six or seven months that things have been expanding boundaries and neither of us had some sort of anxiety attack every other day, but... This just feels like too much all at once to be putting on her. It doesn't seem fair, she.. She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve her... And I know it's selfish, but I can't help but hope she doesn't see it that way.

 

[Memster101]

(( Not really xD I think my headache is worse but that's nothing new. I always get them when I nap >> Are you reading any good books lately?? ))


Teagan I let her pull me close, leaning slightly into Mir's form. I hated that she felt like she should apologize, that I had made her feel bad. I knew that was the last thing someone going through that needed. It only made things worse. You felt guilty for upsetting the person, or hurt that they talked down to you like a child, which led back into the depression and promptly back to hurting yourself once again. It was an awful cycle, one I was deeply familiar with. "I know..." I murmured softly as she spoke. "I'm not mad at you...I'm just scared for you." Maybe there was more hope for her than there had been for me, but I could have recalled a day when those words left my own mouth.


'Oh, I'll never do it again.' 'It hurt so bad and didn't do anything' things of the like. But once you do it that one time, it becomes an option and remains that way, no matter how recovered you might be, how long it had been since your last relapse. Eventually it becomes 'It's not enough.' 'It's not deep enough.' 'There isn't enough.' You start to relish the pain and it starts to take you away from whatever caused you to harm in the first place. And no matter how much you promised, you knew it was something you might not be able to keep. It was just a waiting game to see what could come along and fuck you up again. I could feel myself trembling as my thoughts swirled and only managed to hold her gaze for a short moment before returning it back to her lap.


I rested my forehead against her forearm, kissing softly over the bandage. I couldn't stand to see her become broken like me. To feel the same pain I felt. I listened to the sound of her crying, the whirl of the ac,trying to bring myself back down to earth.