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Realistic or Modern Kagami High School [OOC]

Lorne had just finished his training. He didn't need it; he had been training in archery from a very young age, but that was the only way to pass the time. He didn't really interact with others, nor did others interact with him. He seemed angry all the time, always out for revenge. And he was. The Gestrea had killed the only people he loved. He vowed he would kill them all and take back the Earth. The only way he could do that was to be the best with his gear. During his training, he broke some of the targets. He didn't mean to, it just happened with his gear. The penetration power of his arrows were much greater then normal arrows. And they didn't even bother to make the targets enforced for him. They would need to spend the money to fix it, and it wasn't his fault. Well, maybe it was. It didn't help that he thought of each target as one of those monsters. Each time he practised, he got even more angry then he already was. That may have caused him to break each target. He couldn't help it however. It wasn't his fault that those memories haunted his very existence. It wasn't his fault that he only lived to exterminate those over grown bugs. He promised to his dying sister that he would, and he intended to come through with that very promise. If he didn't, he wouldn't be able to live with himself.


The archer walked off the ship and into the Kyoto block. Strangely enough, he had never been there. He normally stayed on the ship, training for when he would be deployed next. But he had had enough training. He felt he was ready for anything. So, he took his spare time to go sightseeing. He looked around, pretty impressed at everything. It was so lively and friendly. You wouldn't think that these people had been through hell. For once, he felt like he could relax and kick back. But he couldn't. There was something deep down preventing him from doing it. He always felt like that, even in the most friendly places. He tried his best to relax, but he just couldn't do it. He finally realised he wouldn't be able too, so he stayed tense as he walked through the streets. Despite not being able to relax, he still admired everything around him. The buildings, the shops and even the people. It was an amazing community. Maybe it was so nice because everyone banded together after those meteorites. He didn't even care for the reasoning any more. When he was in places like these, he was proud to be a human. He got reminded that humans always found a way to survive and even prosper. If any race could make it through times like these, it was the humans.


Caught up in his thoughts, he walked into someone. "Uh, sorry." He said to the woman who he had just walked into. She looked at him, turned away and then looked at him again. Quickly, she walked away. Lorne had no idea why, until he remembered he wasn't relaxed and always angry. "Great." Lorne mumbled to himself as he continued to walk through the streets. "Not even the bugs fear me, and the people I'm trying to save do?" Lorne clenched his fist at that thought. His own kind feared him? How? He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. It was harder then he thought it was going to be. That same thought stayed in his head. He made his own people scared, and not his enemies? Was he more like a monster then a human? Lorne gritted his teeth as he tried to stop thinking like that. But he couldn't. He rushed into the closest alleyway and punched the wall, letting out his anger. "They think I'm a monster? Why am I even protecting them?" As he said that, a picture of his sister entered his head. Followed by his mother and then his father. That's why. He looked down at his chain and was transported back to that day. The day he became the last Archer.


Slowly, he sat down. Tears started to form in his eyes. The first part he remembered was leaving his sister for dead. She was still alive. Her screaming and crying followed him, even as he got further away. The monster ate her slowly, enjoying it's feast. His arrow didn't even faze it. It continued to eat his sister. He couldn't believe what he had done as he ran away. He hadn't cried since that day. Suddenly, he felt something wet on his hand. He snapped out of his daydream and witnessed a dog licking his hand. Lorne smiled, which was something he rarely did. He began to stroke the dog with a smile still on his face. The anime began to bark. It's tail wagged to show it was enjoying it. Lorne didn't know if he was a stray or he had an owner. If he was a stray, he didn't know if he could keep it. Was there a rule about pets? He hoped there wasn't, as this dog was the only thing that had made him smile since that day. The dog was small and fluffy. It didn't look dirty, but Lorne wasn't sure really. He picked it up and it began licking his face. As it did, he looked down the alleyway and back towards the street. Standing there, was the girl he had walked into just a few minutes before. "Is this dog yours?" He asked her. She simply nodded. Yet again, she was too scared to talk. The teen kept in his rage as he handed her dog back to her.


 
Told you it was pretty long
 
I've gathered some impressions straight from the first paragraph. You use "he" too many times. Try to funk it up by using synonyms to address your character. Another thing is that you have too many simple sentences. Try mixing 'em up. We're not fourth-graders to lose our focus that easily. Also, there is barely any complexity in the words you used. Based on this reading test, your post is rated for 7-8th grade in reading level. That's all from the first paragraph AND after I read the whole thing, my dumb unnecessary critics shall remain the same.


Overall, you're on the right track with writing! Just don't ever stop, okay?
 
Thank you both. I couldn't be asked to write 'the boy' or 'the gentlemen' and other stuff like that. I am 13, so my grade is around about right. Normally I would expand my vocab, but today I just couldn't be asked.


Why shouldn't I stop?


@WeabooTrash @Sunkissed
 
Ethan Hart]Thank you both. I couldn't be asked to write 'the boy' or 'the gentlemen' and other stuff like that. I am 13 said:
@WeabooTrash[/URL] @Sunkissed
Click to expand...
I don't understand what you mean by "couldn't be asked", though, in any of the two sentences. You could use nicknames for the character, their surname, full name or something more generic such as "the young man" or "the boy", so I'm still confused at the "couldn't be asked" thing.


And why should you stop writing, hm? Development and gaining experience is key. As you can see, I am undeveloped and with barely any experience with writing, plus English is not my mother language. Have I stopped? Nope! Should you stop? Of course no! *adds more inspirational speech over here*
 
You're judging my English skills when you say yours is underdeveloped? Really?


I meant I couldn't be asked to change it afterwards. I typed that up quickly.
 
[QUOTE="Ethan Hart]You're judging my English skills when you say yours is underdeveloped? Really?
I meant I couldn't be asked to change it afterwards. I typed that up quickly.

[/QUOTE]
Ah, well, mine are not developed to the level I want them to be, oopsie~ However, I'm judging your skills as a person of a higher grade than you, thus I have the right to do so without being judged about it (unless my criteria is simply incorrect, too harsh or not approved by a higher-standing position).


And don't forget that speed may affect the quality. So take your time and proof-read your posts/texts/stories/whatever out loud. That helps with spotting the mistakes - be it vocabulary, grammar or misspelling.


Don't underestimate your Senpais, yo. (<-said by a weaboo)
 
Ethan Hart] [URL="https://www.rpnation.com/profile/16275-weabootrash/ said:
@WeabooTrash[/URL] I am a better speller then an 18 year old boy. He couldn't spell rough. You wonder why I underestimate my senpais...
Click to expand...
Ohoh, if I were to start giving examples of myself being better than native English speakers, that'd just sound and probably turn out to be bragging so I ain't stooping that low. Don't compare yourself to others, okay? Especially if they aren't as good as you. It's like spotting the differences between a pebble and a mountain.

Sunkissed said:
To give good criticism means that you have to be fair and atleast find good in some things, not just the bad..
Click to expand...
And I'm not talking (writing) about "good criticism". I personally prefer to refer to it as "constructive criticism". Heck, I'd prefer if people were to point out my mistakes while writing as I often happen to write inaccuracies and make plenty of mistakes, which I notice in... what? Hours? Days?


Why am I required to act "nice" and not point out mistakes that could be easily corrected and kept as future reference?
 
Sunkissed said:
Because being nice is just what is expected to do.
Click to expand...
That doesn't go into my expectations. If the writer wants support and not opinion, fine, be nice. I usually want opinion and I'm sure that's what Ethan asked for.


THE WEABOO - OUT~
 
In other news, me and my girlfriend just broke up...


 
It doesn't help I'm listening to this


[media]



[/media]
 
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