Ryik
An Immaterial Phantasm Adrift Amidst Annihilation
Denied.Slasher999999999 said:Name: Keon Jaeger
Nickname(s): The harbinger
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Gift: the ability to manipulate and conjure up fire.
Gift Classification: Unknown
Appearance:
(Regular form)
(Can sometimes go into his fire form)
(Flames can be either be normal fire or black fire and if in black fire then the eyes are crimson red)
Personality: Because of his past Keon Jaeger he does not understand many emotions such as love, regret, remorse or mercy. He is seen as stone cold and calculating, but on very rare occasions he shows a kind side. He also distances himself from people and tends to want to be alone. If you anger him enough he will kill you instantly without any hesitation.
History: Keon Jeager Never knew the love of parents and family, he only known pain and hatred, raised in the slums alone and homeless for 6 years until he was adopted family that enjoyed torturing him, the torte could range from starvation, to shoving knives into him and see how long it would take for him to black out from blood loss. Keon Jaeger had to join gangs and enter the drug business to make enough money to survive since his adopted dad was a drunk unemployed man and his adopted mom was a whore that would spread her legs for anyone. He had earned a nickname in the drug and gang business that was feared by every gang and drug sealer out their, they called him the "The Harbinger" a man that if you crossed him the next day the cops would find your body tortured, mutilated and your face stuck in extreme agony with a black wolf with crimson eyes branded onto your chest. One day though his mom decided that she should have some play time and attempted to rape him. But before she could take off his cloths (which where basically rags at that time) he snapped. He would wake up on the street. the house was ablaze with flames but these flames where no normal flames they where black as night and would not stop burning no matter how much water they would use. It would be 7 nights later when the flames finally died out.
Equipment: wears a black trench coat that goes down to his knees, he has a long sleeve muscle shirt on, black pants and black combat boots, he has a black sling backpack filled with 1,000 dollars, a black combat knife and some water and food.
Party Control: Yes/No. You may also list out certain terms or conditions. You can change this option later if you wish. Just make an OOC post notifying everyone of the change.
Watched the IC, IC2, OOC, and Updates tabs: Yes
Other: Has a large black Canadian Idaho wolf that has crimson eyes. Is the only gift he was given to his real parents that he does not know. the wolf is not a normal one.
(its fire form looks like this its flame can also change from normal to black)
I'm just going to list off some of the reasons this was denied, sorted in ascending severity. First, there were some things that didn't cause your app's denial, but I feel like I should point out rather than leave unsaid:
1. Shares a last name with the main character of Attack on Titan
2. When he turns into Cinder, where do his clothes go? When he turns back, his clothes and everything on him that isn't made with aetherite/antinite should burn up, right?
3. Textbook edgelord personality. "
"
4. "Because of his past Keon Jaeger he does not understand many emotions". That's cute, blaming shit on his past. I'm sorry, I may be out of line reading into this, but to me it comes off as an original Draco in Leather Pants.
Now onto things that actually need to be changed:
5. "THE HARBINGER". He got this nickname how? He's not "a man that if you crossed him blah blah...", he's a child in a gang. Why would anyone think he's special, much less a valued member of that gang? Even if he was skilled and reliable, he's more likely to be called something like "Squirt". Why would grown-ass men go out of their way to treat him like hot shit if he's surrounded by men much bigger, stronger, and more experienced in ruthlessness than him? Even if he had overwhelming talent, he'd draw scorn for showing them up, not respect. I see no reason his victims would want/care to aggrandize him, and if he made the name himself, as a child, wouldn't most people, especially those in his gang, just make fun of him? If he went around killing people in his own gang because they laughed at a title he made up himself, they would probably just kill him off, outliving his usefulness.
6. He got his nickname from his supposed reputation as "a man that if you crossed him the next day the cops would find your body tortured, mutilated and your face stuck in extreme agony with a black wolf with crimson eyes branded onto your chest", right? This doesn't make sense. If the cops are showing up, why hasn't he been caught and taken to jail? Why does he carry a brand with him everywhere? If he has such a reputation, wouldn't someone just come after him and kill him? For example, a relative of one of his victims. It wouldn't be hard to find his house and kill him in his sleep. It's impossible for a brand to have "crimson eyes". Brands are black because they cause burn marks. Where does he even heat up his brand anyway to mess with the dead bodies? Does he start a fire nearby? Wouldn't that be an obvious signal to everyone that he just killed someone? Why do the police literally only exist to show how useless they are? Shit, it shouldn't be hard to catch him if he acts like you describe, and it's not like his parents are covering for him.
7. His fiery color change is completely unnecessary and has no explanation.
Legitimate black fire is impossible, and if it were possible, it would be colder than normal fire, probably failing to burn.
8. If his father's the drunk, why is his mother, who already gets a lot of sex, the rapist? I can't call this anything short of the plothole it is.
9. On the subject of plotholes, if he's so poor he had to wear rags, where did he get the black trenchcoat and $1000?
10. Party Control is not specified. Your app is incomplete.
Now onto things that outright break the rules, some RPNation rules, some just rules of this RP:
11. "
" - Mind your wording. As it's written, this is powerplaying. It's both arrogant and rude to have that on your app. Your character isn't perfect. Your character will not necessarily win every battle. There are people stronger and smarter than your character. These are givens, and it's important you understand that when you make characters.
12. Your app is riddled with spelling and grammar errors. They get annoying/difficult to read, which is why this is a rule. (#4) You don't need to be perfect with it, but you need to put in more effort than this.
13. "Canadian Idaho" Wolves don't light on fire. That same image was previously used in the old RP bestiary as "Hellhound ?", so it wouldn't be hard to get it in the modern RP, but that means they wouldn't have come from his parents. They also make terrible pets, would take forever to tame, being unruly and causing a lot of damages he would have to pay, AND THEY WOULDN'T MAGICALLY TURN THEIR FLAMES BLACK FOR NO REASON. Also, the image itself clearly shows that they don't have "crimson" eyes. Not everything needs to have "crimson" eyes you know.
14. Rule #3. No OP Gifts. When he sets things on fire, they can't be put out for 7 days and 7 nights. Sounds pretty broken to me. He'll touch of death anyone and anything he can get his hands on. Perhaps the existing Gifts in the thread aren't good examples for what is and isn't balanced because of the concealment of their weaknesses/limits, but that's what Ice is here for. If you look back to the first page, you'll see Ice mentions I discussed my characters with her extensively before I actually posted them.
IceSolstice said:those nights of sleep deprivation and nerfing your characters finally paid off.
If you want to redo your app, you will need to fix or otherwise address points 5-15. Ice can work with you on your character when she's free. You can PM her, contact her on the Discord, or message her over steam.
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