Character Critique Thread

too much idea said:
And she's done!!


Not really sure if her limitations are enough to limit her power?
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Coffee is still kicking in so take this with a grain of salt. It seems like the supporting powers are a little… expansive? I mean I get how they are related, I think, but they are supposed to be boiled down to two key ideas, ideally. 


If I am understanding the concept correctly, she can generate kinetic energy and then externalize it beyond the bounds of her body? 


So the first thing is, maybe bring strength down to 4 or 5 and boost energy stat instead? That way, she is strong, but her true strength is when she focuses the energy of her strength into a sort of Ch'i strike, yeah?  Which can shoot some distance away, or enhance her punch enough to go off the charts strong, or Ch'i block an enemy strike. 


I would describe that as 


Primary power:


Force capacitance: Naran can store power from her motion into an internal 'kinetic capacitor' and liberate that energy to enhance her strength, speed and toughness


Related powers: Ki punch (Which can extend past the reach of her fist or foot) Ki block (which can protect her from enemy attack or from her own most powerful punch's backlash) Ki jump (pretty self explanatory)


All that in mind, maybe adjust stats to something more like 2, 5, 5, 1, 3, 4, 7  or even 2, 5, 3, 1, 3, 4, 9!


As described, it really seems energy is her primary stat with strength a distant second, and defense in the normal human range except when she is able to generate kinetic shielding.   Health 1 feels too low for such a vigorous strong character.


I will say this: love the background, history, relationships, everything. Nice. Fun and interesting.
 
Gus said:
If I am understanding the concept correctly, she can generate kinetic energy and then externalize it beyond the bounds of her body? 
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Yup!

Gus said:
So the first thing is, maybe bring strength down to 4 or 5 and boost energy stat instead? That way, she is strong, but her true strength is when she focuses the energy of her strength into a sort of Ch'i strike, yeah?  Which can shoot some distance away, or enhance her punch enough to go off the charts strong, or Ch'i block an enemy strike. 





 







Yes, you can say that.

19 minutes ago, Gus said:



Primary power:


Force capacitance: Naran can store power from her motion into an internal 'kinetic capacitor' and liberate that energy to enhance her strength, speed and toughness


Related powers: Ki punch (Which can extend past the reach of her fist or foot) Ki block (which can protect her from enemy attack or from her own most powerful punch's backlash) Ki jump (pretty self explanatory)




 
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Noted!



19 minutes ago, Gus said:



 Health 1 feels too low for such a vigorous strong character.
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Oh yeah i forgot 1 is below normal, i'm going to fix her ASAP

Gus said:
I will say this: love the background, history, relationships, everything. Nice. Fun and interesting.
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Thank you!
 
KingHink said:
Looking over your CS again, and it is a big step in the right direction.


Let's see now.... 


The powers and limitations section are much more within the realms of acceptance.


Regarding the powers, I would like to see more details on the nannite regeneration. Such has how fast she can heal because of them. Such as would a gash repair before the eyes or take an hour? Could she regrow lost limbs?


Regarding the digital learning. Does it work like the matrix and she can learn kung fu via a simple download? Also, will she be bound by the limit of knowledge vs experience? For example she may know how to perform brain surgery, but she wouldn't have the practical ability and steady hands. If so, it would be a great addition for an extra limitation. As those you can have as many as you want. 


Regarding limitations. Would an EM attack destroy the nannites in her body? And would that leave her without them permenantly.


Regarding clarification of the digital hardware. Is this in reference to how her mind works in a firewall defense around her mind directly? If so, would someone like Salem, who operates be hypothetically able to dive into her head and mess around? I think that could create some amusing games.


Alrighty! Onto the personality section!


First and foremost. Her being Autistic needs to be explained in more detail, as well as how it affects her and how she deals with it. It needs much more of a mention than a side comment. If you can portray a mental disorder accurately and well, then go for it, otherwise I would suggest going without it. Having character with mental disabilities comes with its own set of problems, and is not something I believe should be added to a character lightly. I tell you this because how it is detailed in the CS, and showing me that you can make it work, will be something that I will definitely be looking at in regards to acceptance. For me, this also applies to cases such as narcissism, PTSD, depression, and other such things. While I am not against them, I like many others, have seen where such traits have become issues due to poor execution.


The personalities themselves! I would like to see it in the format like the other CSs.


Trait: description


Makes for easy understanding for skimmers and critics. 


As for the history, I wI'll wait for you to proclaim you are finished with it before I pass any criticism on it for now. (Cause I haven't the time atm xD )
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Aaah! *flails in distress* so much stuff!

I hate the trait: description format. I'm going to ignore it completely so I can do other stuff you want, like explain autism. Chopping her personality into chunks like that is really difficult and this way will result in a better description for me (lemme show you).

working on power suggestions...


Salem keeps being mentioned *looks up CS* *realizes there is no CS titled 'Salem' so it must be a code name* *looks through a bunch of character sheets and doesn't find it* Um...link please?
 
Wixard said:
Salem keeps being mentioned *looks up CS* *realizes there is no CS titled 'Salem' so it must be a code name* *looks through a bunch of character sheets and doesn't find it* Um...link please?
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There you go~~
 
@KingHink in that case yes, Salem would be able to explore Asa's head. It wouldn't be a very safe place for him to explore, but he could do it.
 
Wixard said:
Aaah! *flails in distress* so much stuff!

I hate the trait: description format. I'm going to ignore it completely so I can do other stuff you want, like explain autism. Chopping her personality into chunks like that is really difficult and this way will result in a better description for me (lemme show you).

working on power suggestions...


Salem keeps being mentioned *looks up CS* *realizes there is no CS titled 'Salem' so it must be a code name* *looks through a bunch of character sheets and doesn't find it* Um...link please?
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Hate it or not, ithen is a required part of the CS and has its purpose. It is as easy as arranging the traits in order and just adding a word or three to describe it in bold at the front.


This is required. But you CAN still have all that description too. Ain't no one has gotten rejected yet for writing too much detail.
 
KingHink said:
Hate it or not, ithen is a required part of the CS and has its purpose. It is as easy as arranging the traits in order and just adding a word or three to describe it in bold at the front.


This is required. But you CAN still have all that description too. Ain't no one has gotten rejected yet for writing too much detail.
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*does thing*


Honest: Asa may have trouble expressing herself, but she rarely tries to hide or lie about her thoughts and feelings.


Curious: Asa is interested to learn about the world.


Introvert: Asa relaxes better alone or with one person at a time.


Inflexible: Asa doesn't like surprises and is easily frustrated.


Theerrreee...


Now how is it?
 
Wixard said:
*does thing*


Honest: Asa may have trouble expressing herself, but she rarely tries to hide or lie about her thoughts and feelings.


Curious: Asa is interested to learn about the world.


Introvert: Asa relaxes better alone or with one person at a time.


Inflexible: Asa doesn't like surprises and is easily frustrated.


Theerrreee...


Now how is it?
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As long as it is a reflection of her stats and can sup her personality as a whole, then you did good kid. You did good.


The format is there for the ease of readers. The bullet points make it easier for people to understand a character quickly than by smashing their face into a wall of text. This in turn gets more people to nothe only understand your char, but read more into them instead of just glossing everything over. This helps when it comes to rp for obvious reason. 


Though the last name first is kinda trying at times.... >.>


I will look over your CS again in a few hours when I have some time.


Same with yours @The J and @too much idea
 
Much better, Wixard! I like to have my players boil down their characters to four traits in Aegis, because it forces people to get to the point, and avoids a lot of flowery, contradictory nonsense that crops up when people think they have to write a full essay on their character's personality. Plus, the positive/neutral/neutral/negative setup gets players really thinking about both the good and bad things about a character.


Now that you have four basic personality traits for your character, you just need to go in and describe them in a bit more detail. To use introverted as an example, perhaps something like "Asa enjoys spending her time alone, or with one or two friends at most. She finds large groups to be exhausting, and connects best with people in small groups or singular conversations."
 
welian said:
Much better, Wixard! I like to have my players boil down their characters to four traits in Aegis, because it forces people to get to the point, and avoids a lot of flowery, contradictory nonsense that crops up when people think they have to write a full essay on their character's personality. Plus, the positive/neutral/neutral/negative setup gets players really thinking about both the good and bad things about a character.


Now that you have four basic personality traits for your character, you just need to go in and describe them in a bit more detail. To use introverted as an example, perhaps something like "Asa enjoys spending her time alone, or with one or two friends at most. She finds large groups to be exhausting, and connects best with people in small groups or singular conversations."
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Four paragraphs of perfectly coherent description if you want more details.
 
welian said:
Around three sentences per trait is sufficient.
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KingHink said:
As long as it is a reflection of her stats and can sup her personality as a whole.
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So am I trying to cram her personality into one positive trait, two neutral ones, and a negative one, or pick traits from her personality to highlight because they fit your format? Because I am not going to do the former. I'm very frustrated and despite all your encouragement you're still being very picky about what is essentially flavor text. (Because it's really about whether I play the persona well, not how I describe it).
 
Wixard said:
So am I trying to cram her personality into one positive trait, two neutral ones, and a negative one, or pick traits from her personality to highlight because they fit your format? Because I am not going to do the former. I'm very frustrated and despite all your encouragement you're still being very picky about what is essentially flavor text. (Because it's really about whether I play the persona well, not how I describe it).
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You are picking your character's four most major personality traits, specifically, their major positive trait, major negative traits, and two major personality traits that are neither specifically good nor bad.


I am being picky, because an important part of roleplaying in a group this large is organization and cohesion. Everyone follows the same rules, the same standards, the same outline. Everyone's character sheets match, and critical information is easy to pick out. Everyone's own personal writing style will shine in posts, writing prompts, and in even in the short space given in a character sheet.


Many people write well. Not as many people write well when given restrictions and confined to a system. My job in this section of the approval process is to make sure that all incoming players understand the rules and limitations of the system I have in place. Once a player proves they can play by the rules, then i can allow them to break the rules.
 
Well I apologize for wasting your time. This is the limit of what I'm willing to put up with in order to enter your roleplay. 
 
Wixard said:
Well I apologize for wasting your time. This is the limit of what I'm willing to put up with in order to enter your roleplay. 
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An inquiry is never a waste of my time! A GM's job is to guide the player through the campaign for as long as the player is interested. This is simply how things go in the roleplaying world, and there's no need for either party to feel any sort of guilt about it.
 
@The J @DamagedGlasses


The character committee has looked it over and is very pleased with what we see. We approve. As it stands, all that should be needed for acceptance is the GM's signature. Thanks for joining, and we will be looking forward to your characters joining the ranks should the bosses allow!


@too much idea


Things are also looking pretty good for you so far. We have yet to discuss her in depth yet. I will say to not forget to fill in the Heroism points.
 
KingHink said:
@The J 


The character committee has looked it over and is very pleased with what we see. We approve. As it stands, all that should be needed for acceptance is the GM's signature. Thanks for joining, and we will be looking forward to your characters joining the ranks should the bosses allow!
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Woohoo! Cheers to the lot of you.
 
I meant


@Kingmalikai ! 


Sorry @The J! I get you mixed up with JJ sorry! My fault. I'm still looking over your CS, but things are looking good for you as well. 


(Someone switched around the doc sheet names and it had me confuzzled >.>)
 
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