My wife and I have been married for over 20 years, and I can still make her scream my name in bed. I cover her face and fart.
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Here is a random thought. The center of a doughnut is 100% fat free
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day long.
I threw a boomerang about six years ago and it never came back. I now live in constant fear.
Your status updates always make me laugh or snort abruptly in an ugly fashion, making the people around me judge me in silence.
Thanks!
I think that hurricanes are just God's version of a fidget spinner
I am convinced that if there were a zombie apocalypse, there would be zombie rights activists lobbying for them.
Hey girl, are you a software update? Because ask me again later.
My wife once said to me, "Three words, eight letters. Say them to me and I'm yours." My response? "I am Groot!" She was not pleased
If time is money, does that make an ATM a time machine?
Whoa, you joined this site in 2005? You gotta be one of the first members, and probably the longest active member.
If two people could read minds, and if they were reading each other's minds, wouldn't they be reading their own minds?
When you are depressed, go on an elevator made for ghosts. That always lifts my spirits!
I'm going to create a home security system called Sure Lock Homes.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller! Ha!
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
The NRA says guns don't kill people, people do. I think that the gun helps out with that though.
Think about it: Ford Ranger, Nissan Rogue, Isuzu Wizard: all we need now is a Chevy Cleric and we have a party!
When I make you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a thank you, not the whole 'how did you get into my house' nonsense.
I tried to make Twilight my new password, but I was told it had too many useless characters.
Deja Moo: When you know you've seen this bullshit before.
Today, someone was killed by a starter's pistol. Officials say it was race related! Ha!
I wasn't planning on going for a run, but then those cops showed up out of nowhere.
Stalking is when two people go on a romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.
Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side because it is fertilized with bullshit. -
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