Don't judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. After that, who cares? They are a mile away and you have their shoes!
-
The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with the letter F. Shit like this is why aliens just fly on past us.
Sometimes I do stuff so crazy that even the little devil on my shoulder is like, "What the hell are you doing?"
If a king farts, is that considered a noble gas?
I'm not saying I'm mean, but there are people I'd unplug from life support to charge my Iphone
This week I've been working for the first time in years as a Uber driver. It feels good to be earning a paycheck instead of just being a dad
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, you know, just to be sure.
I use to be addicted to soap.... but I'm clean now.
I'm friends with 25 different letters. I don't know Y.
Why do giraffes have such small appetites? Because with them, a little food goes a long way! Ha!
That awkward moment when you are wearing Nikes and you can't do it.
I am a jedi like my father before me. Unless I get my Hogwarts letter like my mother.
What do you call it when a cat meows for food when their bowl is still half full? Fake Mews! Ha!
Everyday, I understand the phrase "I'm too old for this" on a whole new level
Married Sexting: I'm not wearing underwear because you never put the clothes in the drier like I told you a hundred times!
I can't wait for retirement age so I can wake up at 6am, get in my car, and drive really slowly and make people late for work
4 hours of sleep at age 21 and you are ready to party. 4 hours of sleep at age 40 is a homicide waiting to happen if you wake me up
Don't be afraid to be outnumbered. A lion walks alone while sheep flock together.
Casualty numbers keep going up. Over 400+ injured now. I can only pray for the people involved that they can get through this ok.
A mass shooting here in Las Vegas killed 50+ and wounded 200 at a music festival. My wife almost went to that. Scary shit going down!
Building a treehouse is the greatest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold his corpse!"
90% of being married is shouting "What?" from another room.
I was going to run naked through the neighborhood, but I drank some Windex. After all, it prevents streaking.
If America switched from using pounds to kilograms overnight, would that create mass confusion?
Due to unfortunate circumstances beyond my control, I am awake. -
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
