Meow I lay me down 2 sleep, I pray my bowl is full and deep. If I should rise b4 you wake, I'll meow loud and long, make no mistake
-
Where is the cooking show with three screaming kids begging for a popsicke as you try to microwave a bag of frozen veggies?
Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze the rest for later.
The Balrog was clearly a boss. Gandalf kills it himself and gets all the xp. He then shows up with new gear and a title. Gandalf is a jerk
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth. That just makes it a soap opera.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having a brain gives hope to some people
Before you marry someone, you should make them use a computer with slow internet access to see what kind of person they really are.
Instead of a sign that says "do not disturb", I need one that says "Already disturbed, proceed with caution"
Dear Spellchecker: I have never meant to type 'Ducking' so please stop trying to 'fix' it.
What if we let prisoners take their own mug shots? We could then call them "Cellfies!" Ha!
I don't know about you guys, but the rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
If I were stranded on a desert island, I would bring along Dora the Explorer. That girl has everything in her backpack.
Say what you will about women, but being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
If moonlight is technically reflected sunlight, why doesn't it kill vampires?
Morning checklist. Clothes? Check. Keys? Check, just found them. Coffee? Check, full cup. Sanity? Sanity? And we have a runner!
If guns don't kill people but people kill people, does that mean that toasters don't toast toast, but toast toasts toast?
I before E, unless you leisurely deceive eight overweight heirs to forfeit their sovereign conceits.
So, do you know how Moses makes tea? Hebrews it! Ha!
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by looking at her hands. For example, if she is holding a gun at your head, she's probably mad
I don't like to make plans, because then the word "Premeditated" gets tossed around in the courtroom
When life closes a door, open it again. Its a door. That's what they do.
Teenager for sale. Comes fully equipped with sarcasm and rolling eyes. Plays video games and texts constantly. NO REASONABLE OFFER REFUSED
With the rise of self-driving cars, I expect to hear a country song where the guy's truck leaves him, too. It will happen soon.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I take a brown paper bag and put it over my mouth. Then I drink all the bourbon inside. It usually helps
Don't judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. After that, who cares? They are a mile away and you have their shoes!
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
