I'd like to think that having money wouldn't change me, but when I'm winning at Monopoly, I'm a terrible person.
-
PC Logic: Its twice my size, razor sharp fangs and more muscle than a pro wrestler on steroids. Time to teach it who's in charge.
I get paid to be nice at work. I don't know why my family and friends expect that shit for free.
What happened when the truckload of cheese crashed in Paris? De Brie was everywhere!
Why doesn't Dora the Explorer's mom ever wonder where her six year old daughter is and why her only friends are animals?
Everything that you say is missing and cannot be found magically appears when your wife goes looking for it.
I've taken up speed reading. I can read "War and Peace" in twenty seconds. Its only three words, but its a start.
That feeling when you put a steak on the grill and your mouth begins to water; do vegans feel that way when mowing the grass?
Decaffeinated coffee is like paying a hooker just to cuddle.
Why do people think that someone wearing glasses look smart? It just means that they took one test and failed it.
I am fairly confident that the inventor of duct tape is a parent that has had enough crap from their kids and needed a break.
No parking in front of the Wizards Guild. Violators will be toad.
When people tell me "You'll regret it in the morning," I sleep until noon. I'm a problem solver.
How to tie a knot that is impossible to undo: take your headphones and put them in your pocket for 30 seconds.
Me: mostly make inappropriate comments and mistakes
Interviewer: What do you do at your current job?
When someone asks me what is more important, food or love, I don't answer because I'm busy eating.
Technically, if you don't cut a cake and eat the whole thing with a fork, you still only had one piece. You are welcome.
With all of the billionaires on the planet, why haven't any of these losers decided to become Batman or Iron Man? What a waste of money.
Read any good books lately? I'm currently working through the 'Wearing the Cape' series by Marion Harmon again. Great read.
I hate it when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun. You don't need track shoes to run, but it helps!
Ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
Google is obviously a girl since it never lets you finish what you are typing without giving you other suggestions besides what you want
Once you lick the frosting off of a cupcake, it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy. You're welcome.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is a salad.
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
