I used to hate it when my parents would tell me not to play with my food. Its not like for the first two years of my life I wasn't told that my food was an airplane or a choo-choo train.
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Have you ever wondered how long it takes for a giraffe to throw up?
I lost my watch at a party once. Later, I saw some guy stepping on it while harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated, I went over and punched him in the face and broke his nose. Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch!
I might get a job cleaning mirrors. Its a job I can see myself doing.
I saw a woman walking out of Wal-Mart with March Madness teeth. She was down to her final four.
Some people are like an old tv. You have to slap them a few times to get the picture.
CPR is just the human version of blowing into a video game cartridge and hoping it works again.
I called my boss and asked if I could come in late. He said "Dream on." I think that was awfully nice of him!
It turns out that a home DNA test kit is not a good baby shower gift.
A wise man once said . . . nothing. He let her vent, then they had sex afterwards.
A woman can ignore you so hard that you will start to doubt your own existence.
There are only two certainties in life:
Death
If a woman falls asleep in a tank top, she will wake up with one boob hanging out.
Do you think that prison guards use Proactive to prevent breakouts?
Instead of cleaning house, I just go and watch an episode of Hoarders and think, "Man, my house looks great!"
Hakuna Ma'Vodka: It means no memories for the rest of the day.
A werewolf that doesn't know that they are a werewolf would be an unawarewolf.
When making dog biscuits, make sure you use collie flour.
With my last post, I have just become the third most prolific poster on this site. Twilight Sparkle, I'm gunning for number two, so you'd better watch yourself! lol
How come when a woman is pregnant everyone wants to rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one is willing to rub your balls and say 'good job'?
I just found my cleaning fairy under my bed. She was strangled to death by dust bunnies.
You know that feeling where you meet someone new and your heart skips a beat? That's called arrhythmia, and you can die from that.
Success is like pregnancy. Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you were screwed to get it.
Just remember, I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick sounds like that there is a cure.
I am 100% sure that I called shotgun. Why are you shoving me in the back? I understand that you are arresting me, but the rules of shotgun are pretty clear.
If your grandmother really lives over the river and through the woods, she's either cooking meth or hiding bodies. -
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