Some days while teaching my five year old to do her homework, I find my supply of curse words to be woefully inadequate.
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When I wear my kilt, I find that good girls don't ask what I wear under it, and bad girls find out for themselves.
I am a fan of all mythical creatures: Vampires, werewolves, unicorns, children that listen . . .
Marriage is all about finding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically
If a homeschool mom is talking to herself, is she crazy or is it a parent-teacher conference?
Just once on Family Feud I want to see a person's family say that their answer was stupid as fuck.
Guys like girls that can take charge. Ask him out. Plan a date. Take some hostages. Overthrow a government. Burn down his ex's house. Maybe buy him a puppy.
When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers and say, "You really should clean up under your bed. Its filthy down here. PS: I love you."
Jessica Biel should name a son of hers 'Batmo'.
Just bought my four day pass to GenCon in Indianapolis for the first weekend in August! I can't wait to run some great games there! Woohoo! GenCon baby!
I used to hate math, but then I realized that decimals have a point.
1999: In twenty years, we'll have flying cars!
2019: We literally have to tell people not to eat Tide pods.
Of all the poop in the world, who decided that bat shit was the craziest?
I turn into a mob boss when I see a spider. "I want him dead, his friends dead, his family dead, and his house burnt down!"
Do you want to know the secret to making your spouse/partner go Mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm all night long?
Duct Tape
Just remember, no matter how stupid you feel, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't recognize that a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.
I just paid my rent, so don't ask me to come outside. I'm getting my money's worth out of this place.
Money may not be able to buy you happiness, but I'd much rather be crying in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
Satan worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a deity that literally lost a fiddle contest to some random hillbilly in Georgia?
Me: I need some help around here!
Also me: No, not like that. Here, let me do it!
I think that my text messages would make more sense if there was a sarcasm font.
Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street then getting hit by an airplane.
I would like to think that my death will be a heroic event, but its more likely that I'll trip over my cat and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I am always weirdly proud of myself when I have clear pee. Its like, hell yeah, I'm totally hydrated.
Someone offered me some grapes, but I turned them down. I'm not used to taking my wine in pill form. -
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