After your fifth sneeze, don't expect another 'bless you'. Get that shit under control.
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One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of people. If they point and laugh, you're young. If they panic and run to you, you're old.
I have a poor level of knowledge of Greek mythology. Its always been my Achilies Elbow.
Some people think I'm OCD. I think that they are lazy slackers that can't do shit right.
I never run with scissors. Actually, those last two words are unnecessary.
If the ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
To err is human, to Arr is pirate.
I have a friend that ordered an eastern European mail-order bride. His so excited. He just learned that the Czech is in the mail.
No matter how many times you ask, the ruler factory won't make yardsticks any longer.
The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. The wife is psycho, the husband is logical.
Why do Swedish warships have a bar code on them? Its so that when they dock, they can Scandinavian! Ha!
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, what is C for? Plastic explosives.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a petri dish. The results speak for themselves.
Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning with me before I have had my coffee. it should be legal to kill these people.
New condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.
Immature is a word that boring people use to describe fun people.
Are people born with photographic memory, or does it take time to develop?
To my kids: I would kill and die for you.
Also to my kids: I am not your damn maid and I will burn all the shit on your bedroom floors and dance around the massive bonfire in a surge of glory and rage.
If you are ever lost in the woods, look for the North Star. Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.
When I feel depressed and someone tells me to just 'suck it up', I want to take a baseball bat and break their legs, then tell them to 'walk it off'.
We need to start having Meth cut with birth control drugs. That would certainly cut down the number of irresponsible parents.
I tried to change my password to 'twilight' but it had too many useless characters.
Did you hear how the hipster burned his mouth? He ate pizza before it was cool.
Well, another day has passed and I didn't use algebra once. -
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