I heard that there is a movement to make coffins out of glass. I wonder if it will catch on? Remains to be seen.
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When I was younger, I was kidnapped by a bunch of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts upon me.
My boss once told me to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I spent my last day at my old job in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
To err is human. To blame somebody else shows management potential.
There are so many people that have these awesome motivational quotes, and here I am like, "Hey, I'm horny and I need coffee!"
Honestly, its not my looks that reveals my age, its the fact that I text with complete sentences.
If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt and preservatives, don't open it. Its spam.
Apparently someone came up with the rule that you have to eat healthy more than once to get into shape. This is both cruel and unusual punishment.
Guys I need your help! I was in an argument with my wife, and she told me I was right! What do I do now?
I haven't tried yoga, but I have bent over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure that I'd hate yoga.
Mah man
As much as I love seeing your statuses, beware of the spamming rule! Ty. c:
Texting wasn't always this easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an 'S'? Better hit that 7 button four times.
They say that in every group of friends, there is someone capable of committing murder.
I think it was Dave, so I killed him before he could do any harm. You're welcome world.
I've decided that I'm never going to get back down to my original weight. After all, 6 pounds 4 ounces is a little unrealistic.
Dear alcohol. We had an agreement where you would make me smarter, funnier, and a better dancer. I just saw the video. What the hell happened?
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes red, nose running) I can't see you anymore! I'm not going to let you hurt me like that again!
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment, and the other needs oinkment.
I hope that Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal. ElonGate would be really drawn out.
Every year, sharks kill on the average 10 people. In the same amount of time, 100 people die from having cows step on them. Fear the real killer. Eat more beef.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was a case of the pot calling the cattle back.
Interested in time travel? Send me a message last wee on Thursday and we'll talk about it.
The amount of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is amazing two me.
If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks. Problem solved.
Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name. -
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