Why are breakfast dates not more popular? Forget your fancy 9pm dinners. Lets eat pancakes in our PJ's!
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I told my wife, "Honey, its really muggy outside."
Wife: "I swear to God, if all our mugs are out on the lawn, I'm leaving you."
Me: <sips coffee from a bowl>
I adopted a retired drug sniffing dog. I took him over to meet my parents, and he found two bags of weed that I had hid when I was in high school. Who's a good boy?!?
It took God six days to make the world, but nine months for me to be born. I must be a real big deal.
A whoopie cushion filled with gravy gives an extra dimension to a tired old pratical joke.
Earlier today, I was telling my girlfriend, "How can I trust you when you run away every time I untie you?"
If I were to live every day as if it were my last, the body count would be staggering.
If bedbugs are found on beds, whoever came up with the name cockroach?
Apparently, this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and was not wanting to play leapfrog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I am not a night owl, nor am I a early bird. I am some kind of permanently confused pidgin.
No man has ever won the game of, "Do you notice something different about me?"
Thepenisinmymouth. Did you read "The pen is in my mouth?" The hell you did, you dirty minded person!
I wonder: The guy that discovered milk. What was he trying to do?
A woman wearing a bikini exposes 90% of her body. True gentlemen look only at the covered parts.
When I was getting a prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants. "Over there, next to mine," was not the answer I was expecting.
Mamie often wondered why,
Acids trouble alkali.
One day in a manner placid,
She fed the cat boracic acid.
Whereupon the cat grew frantic,
Executing many an antic.
"Ah," cried Mamie, overjoyed.
"Kitty is an alkali!"
James, while feeling rather draper,
touched a fire to grandpa's paper.
Grandpa jumped a foot or higher,
Dropped the paper and shouted "Fire!"
"This," said James, "Confirms my notion.
That heat creates both light and motion."
I paid my teenage daughter ten bucks to wash the dishes. On her way back to her room, I mugged her. You know, life lesson.
A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reaches the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only focus on yourself.
Wife: I am not talking to you!
Husband: Ok.
Wife: Aren't you going to ask me why?
Husband: No, I respect and trust your decision!
Bookworms will one day rule the world. Just as soon as we finish this last chapter.
Big girls don't cry. They pop a couple of Xanax, wash it down with some vodka, and then they set your car on fire.
Contents of a typical women's magazine:
Page 14: You are beautiful the way you are.
Page 15: How to lose weight fast.
Page 16: Cake recipes.
Tomorrow is 'National Stay in Bed Reading Day'.
I just made that up, but lets tell everyone that it's true.
I just burned 2,000 calories today. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven by accident to get ruined. -
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