Did you hear about the latest celebrity scandal? The Energizer Bunny was arrested for battery! Shocking!
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Just once I want to clock out from work and slide down the tail of a dinosaur just like Fred Flintstone.
How to be a grown up at work: Replace "F*** You" with "Ok, great!"
If something gets thrown at the president, does the secret service yell, "Donald Duck!"?
Cat puns really freak meowt. Seriously, I'm not kitten.
If you ever think that you can't dance, just try to write your name in cursive in the air with your butt. Problem solved.
I recently changed the name of my ipod to 'The Titanic' so that every time I download a new song, I can be amused at the thought that the Titanic is synching.
Why does toilet paper even need to have a commercial? Who in this country is not buying this stuff?
Popular friend: Oh, wow! I got invited to like ten parties today!
Pretty friend: I got over 1000 likes on my profile picture!
Smart friend: Yea! I got all 'A's'!
Me: I meowed at my cat and it replied.
Did you know if you scream "Bloody Mary" three times in the mirror at three a.m., your wife will yell at you to shut the hell up and let her sleep?
Why are scary movies always in places like hospitals or jails? I want to see a scary movie in Wal Mart. "Clean up on isle 13." "But sir, there is no isle 13." *dramatic music starts to play*
Why didn't I follow you before? You're hilarious!
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I would pick up a stranger and he asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know that I'm not a serial killer?" I replied that the chances that there are two serial killers in the car would be astronomical.
Going on a first date is just awful. You are basically going on a job interview that lasts all night long.
To the people that say that money doesn't buy happiness, I'm willing to let you transfer all of that shit to my account so it will spare you the pain.
Ways kids hurt themselves:
Tripping at the playground.
Falling off the jungle gym.
Jumping off a swing.
Ways adults hurt themselves:
Sneezing to hard.
Slept wrong.
Sat down too long.
A computer hacker just cracked his way into my bank account. He was so disappointed that he has started a Go Fund Me page for me.
I wonder what people do with all of the time they save by writing 'k' instead of 'ok' in their text messages?
I asked the librarian where the books about paranoia were, and she whispered, "They're right behind you!"
The first person to have inhaled some helium must have been relieved when the effects wore off.
I may be crazy, but at least I have each other.
Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, "I considered smothering you in your sleep last night, but I didn't."
There should be one day a year where people working retail can say whatever they want to a customer and not get in trouble.
The recommended age of a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So you need to be 21 to drink but only 8 to summon the devil.
Question: If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you then have a Phillips Screwdriver? -
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