Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It really lifts their spirits! Ha!
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What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labracadabrador!
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing.
Pro Tip: Napping.
When you want to lie down when the kids are in the house, tell them to wake you up in half an hour so everyone will do some cleaning in and around the house. They will literally do EVERYTHING in their power to avoid waking you up.
A friend asked me what I had planned for next year. I told him I don't know; I don't have 20/20 vision.
Here is a joke for all the mind readers out there.....
I know, right?
6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down.
Did you hear that the inventor of the throat lozenge has died? There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I never said that I was a Taxidermist. I only asked if I could stuff your beaver.
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants: Feefiphobia.
I'm currently reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it.
My wife asked me to pass her some lip balm. By mistake, I gave her superglue. She's still not talking to me.
Ever get the urge to eat something just because its there? Well, today I lost my job as a Gynecologist.
When I go to a restaurant and they as me if I want a table, I reply, "No thanks. I want to eat on the floor. Carpet for one, please."
I'm still kinda pissed that they never told us how to get to Sesame Street. Bastards, teasing kids like that.
I was struck by a bottle of Omega-3 pills today. Luckily the wounds were only super fish oil.
Trust me, when I woke up today, I had no plans on being awesome. But hey, shit happens.
Friends are like snowflakes: If you pee on them, they go away.
I'm so smart, I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in the movies.
When I was little, my mom used to feed me alphabet soup and would tell me that I love it. I think she was just putting words in my mouth.
I didn't think that wearing orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
Lets be clear: The Grinch didn't really hate Christmas, he hated people. I can relate.
I hate it when I go to the kitchen looking for food and all I find is ingredients.
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?" I did, and I don't remember much after that.
I want to open a gym and call it "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks then turn into a bar for the rest of the year. -
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