I went to a safety meeting at an old job of mine, and when asked what steps I would take in the event of a fire, I replied, "Friggin' big ones!" Apparently, that was not the right answer.
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Why do normal people need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you are a pirate.
I want to open a store next to Forever 21 and call it Finally 22.
The female preying mantis devours her mate within minutes of after mating, while the human female prefers to stretch it out over many years.
Some girl asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I said it all depends on if she is trying to kill Batman or not.
My wife is not perfect, but she has a great sense of humor, big boobs, and a spank-worthy ass, and that is pretty much the same thing.
If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a bottle of wine. You'll be surprised at how much less you care about it.
Me: Its not about how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up!
Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.
Funny guys are dangerous. They make you laugh and laugh, then boom! You're naked.
The truth will set you free. Unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the hell up.
This morning, while sitting across from my wife at the breakfast table, I said, "I love you." She then asked, "Is that you or the coffee talking?" I said, "Its me . . . talking to the coffee."
You should handle stressful situations like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
Roses are red, mornings are hard. I suck at poetry. Coffee.
Us parents live for those tiny vacations from our kids. Like when you put the kids in the car and close the door, and you have that little walk around the car to your door. its like a Carnival cruise.
You don't need a license to fly a hot air balloon. Even if you did, who's going to stop you? Balloon cops?
After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like I see them do on tv. Apparently, that is frowned upon in bowling. My bad.
You are riding a horse at full speed.
There is a giraffe next to you, and a lion is chasing you.
What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off of the carousel.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening up one pistachio: 3,142
Take that, kale.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Only in a math problem can you buy sixty watermelons and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I hope that if I ever happen to choke to death on a handful of gummy bears, people just say, "He was killed by bears," and leave it at that.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy my illusion that I'm a nice person.
I learned a long time ago not to antagonize my wife. As a woman, she's used to having to occasionally wash blood out of her clothes.
If you ever see me in a restaurant and I'm eating salad, I've been kidnapped and I'm trying to signal for help. Call the cops.
I once heard someone call a corndog a meat twinkie, and life just hasn't been the same. -
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