I'm beginning to think that my wife isn't going to apologize for the way she was acting in my dream last night.
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If a woman admits she's wrong, apologizes, and agrees to change her ways, dump her immediately. She might just be a man. Women don't do that.
Ever notice that when you lose the tv remote, you also lose all trust in your fellow man?
"Are you sitting on the remote?"
"No."
"Get up."
Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down.
When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids so she has to talk to me.
I am really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta. So, if you and 79 of your closest friends want spaghetti, come on over tonight.
I used to wonder what it would be like to read minds, but then I logged onto Facebook and I got over it.
Once I told my ex that I felt like killing her. She told me that I need professional help, so I hired a hit man.
Preschool rules and bar rules are the same: You pee your pants, you go home.
During an argument with a woman, if she tells you that you're right, that's sarcasm.
My neighbor yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.
With my luck, I'm gonna die the day I get my shit together.
Finding friends with the same mental disorders that you have and the same sense of humor:
Priceless!
Cop: What's in the bottle?
Me: Just some water.
Cop: Sir, that's alcohol.
Me: Oh my goodness! Jesus did it again!
I like to think of myself as a pretty nice person, but if there were ever an asshole competition, I would place respectfully high in my weight division.
Curling irons have a warning sign on them that says 'for external use only'. Which one of you sick people made that necessary?
Parenthood: When you vaguely mention something you maybe might all do some hypothetical day and your kids take it as a blood oath and will never forget it.
Ever.
I'm not much on seizing the day. I prefer to just poke it with a stick and seeing what happens.
Why is it called boobsweat and not humidititties?
I am quite grateful that we don't have thought bubbles that pop up over our heads.
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild.
Except for the penfish, which is said to be mightier.
I lost my job as a bank teller when an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. It wasn't very good.
What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in the bathtub?
Toss in your laundry.
If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I guess I'll stop cleaning my house.
You know that the pollen counts are really high when the junkies are trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed. -
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