If you are ever caught sleeping at your desk at work, just raise your head up and say, "In Jesus' name, I pray, amen!"
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If being sarcastic burned calories, I'd weigh like eight pounds.
Have you ever wondered what your pets have named you?
Does anybody else stare at the dead bodies on the tv screen to see if the actors can be caught breathing?
I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray. Now, it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.
Pros of being an adult: I can eat 28 cookies and no one will stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 28 cookies and no one stopped me, and now my stomach hurts.
Never piss off an old person. Each day that goes by is less of a deterrent from the phrase "Life in prison."
My wife has days where she can't find her shoes that she just took off, but she can remember what I did ten months ago at 7:43 am on a Thursday.
It only takes a moment to show someone special how you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever.
If you are thinking what I'm thinking, you need serious amounts of alcohol or professional help. Probably both, now that I think about it.
If you are over forty it is no longer called masturbation. It is called a systems check.
The first thing I look at in a woman is her heart. Its not my fault that her boobs are in the way.
Hey baby! Shut the door, drop your pants, climb on top of me and satisfy your needs.
Sincerely, your toilet.
Have you ever met a person and immediately wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
Every day, thousands of poor, helpless plants are killed by vegetarians. End the cycle of violence. Eat bacon.
No matter how big and bad you are, when a toddler gives you a toy phone, you answer that sucker.
How screwed up would it be if the last sentence in the series was, "And then Harry Potter woke up back in his bed underneath the staircase."
There are people out there training for a marathon, and here I am, lying on the couch trying to lasso the tv remote with my cell phone charger cord so I don't have to get up.
When a man says he'd do anything for a woman, he's talking about taking a bullet or killing a dragon, not cleaning stuff. Lets get real here.
You ever notice that Mr. Incredible's suit was blue, Elastigirl's suit was red, and their daughter's name is Violet?
A cowboy comes riding into town one day. As he is tying his horse up at the corral, he goes to the rear of the animal and plants a big kiss on its rear end.
Another cowboy sees him do that, he asks, "What the hell did you do that for?!?"
The answer was, "Chapped lips."
"Does that help them?"
"No, but it keeps me from licking them!"
A family walks into a motel, and the dad looks at the clerk and says, "I do hope that the porn is disabled."
The clerk says, "Its regular porn, you sicko!"
A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for two weeks!"
The boy then kills a honeybee. Mom says, "No honey for two weeks!"
Then, mom kills a cockroach.
The boy looks at his dad and says, "Are you going to tell her, or should I?"
I hear that McDonalds is going to market a new product: A deep fried pickle dipped in batter. It will be called the McDill Dough.
A baby can drink a full bottle and fall asleep and its cute, but when I do it, I'm an alcoholic. -
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