Looks like I'm getting an early birthday present from my best friend. He's getting me the large sized Lego Millennium Falcon! It is only 7,500 pieces . . . Should take me a few days to put together.
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Ladies, when your boyfriend tells you that you are too fat and you need to lose weight, drop a couple of hundred pounds instantly and do it by dumping his sorry ass and then go eat a pizza because you are beautiful just the way you are and to hell with anyone that says different.
This is coming from a guy that married a beautiful woman 23 years ago and is very happy he did.
Me as a parent
Daughter: Dad, there is a monster in the closet!
Me: That's silly! There is no mon-OH MY GOD IT HAS ME! ITS TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding! It only eats children! Good night!
Me: I am so full of evil. So full of darkness. I feed off of the souls of the living, and I strike fear into --
Friend: You have a cute calico kitten named Sweetie-Pie.
Me: She is the SECOND IN COMMAND OF MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!
Life would be so much better if there were pinatas filled with candy spaced throughout the day to take your stress out on. Then eat chocolate. Lots of chocolate.
"You attract what you fear."
Oh, my God! I'm afraid of 10 million dollars!
Ladies, you need to stop saying that all guys want to do is get into your pants. We also want to get into your bras, too!
Someone just called me normal! I've never been so insulted in my life!
It is a little known fact that the Pharos of ancient Egypt were buried with their arms crossed over their chests in the belief that the afterlife would be one hell of an exciting water park slide.
I was told that every piece of chocolate I eat will shorten my life by two minutes. I did the math, and according to this, I should have died in 1593.
The officer said, "You're staggering."
I replied, "You're quite handsome yourself!"
We laughed and laughed, and in the end,
I need bail money.
With all of these food recalls, I want to start to grow my own food. Does anyone know where I can get fried chicken seeds?
Just remember, the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence because of a septic tank issue.
Should a bankruptcy attorney really expect to get paid?
If I worked at a restaurant on Valentines Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
I just realized that in Monsters, Inc, when they yell '23-19!' that the letter W is the 23rd letter, and the 19th one is S. 23-19 stands for White Sock. Mind. Blown.
Yesterday I saw a book called, "How to solve half of your problems." So I bought two copies! Problems solved!
Everyone wants that fairy tale wedding, but when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.
I don't 'rise and shine'. I caffinate and procrastinate.
Nurses Week and Teachers Week both take place during Mental Health Awareness Month. Coincidence? I think not!
I made a website for orphans, but it doesn't have a home page.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off of my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
If you shut up when you are wrong, you are wise. If you shut up when you are right, you are married.
Who wants to open up a doughnut shop next to a marijuana dispensary and call it 'Glazed and Confused'?
People are like trees; they fall over when you hit them multiple times with an axe. -
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