I have decided that at my funeral, everyone gets a stun gun. The last one standing gets all my stuff.
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Last night, I ate a Wookie steak for dinner. It was a little chewie.
Ever have that moment in class where you just want to scream, "Its math! NO ONE CARES ABOUT IT!"
No, cough syrup. You are not 'grape flavored'. You taste more like the tears of tortured small children.
I now know why girls go to the bathroom together. Hermione from Harry Potter went to the bathroom alone and was attacked by a troll. Safety in numbers.
If Facebook ever shuts down, people will be forced to walk around out in public, shoving pictures in other people's faces while screaming, "Do you like this? DO YOU?"
Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to use gas, or to knock me out with an oar. It was an ether/oar situation.
The speed of a woman replying, "I'm fine" is directly proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that is about to follow.
I hate it when I hear a couple arguing in public and I didn't hear the beginning to know who's side I'm on.
Fill in the blanks: _uck _e in the a__ tonight. If you didn't get "Luck be in the air tonight" the internet has probably ruined you, too.
Life isn't about moments that take our breath away. That's asthma. You're thinking of asthma.
I saw a newspaper headline that says, "Dark sense of humor 'can be dementia warning sign'." Raise your hands if you are a little bit nervous.
Ever wonder how a dragon blows out birthday candles?
I'll have you all know that I am a extremely tough guy. Yesterday I stepped on a Lego and only cried for twenty minutes. Talk about being a total badass!
Never let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. Look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen to them?
I know the difference between right and wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Housecleaning Tip Of The Day:
Keep several 'Get Well' cards on the mantle. That way people will think you were sick and unable to clean.
My goal in life is to piss off one person every day. So far, I'm ten years ahead of schedule.
Anyone can masturbate under the sheet, but it takes a lot of skill to do it without the barber noticing!
Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a small child in less than thirty seconds?
On a side note, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Every time I see a car with a mattress on its roof I think it is a prostitute making a house call.
If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt, you are hitting rock bottom.
When they say that dog food is 'new and improved', who is doing the taste testing for this?
The word 'swims' upside down is still 'swims'.
If a jar of poison is past its effective use-by date, is it more or less poisonous? -
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