A few days ago, I was watching a game of woman's volleyball. Three minutes into the game there was a hand injury. Don't worry though. I'm feeling much better now.
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Redneck word of the day: Inhale
Why inhale did I wake up so early today?
Nine months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.
How do you make an explosive horse? You fill it with neigh-palm! Ha!
A lumberjack went into the magic forest to cut down a tree. Just as he was about to swing his axe, the tree said, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grins and says, "Yes, and you will dialogue!"
I've heard media reports that people in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in the "Flintstones", but I know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.
Breaking news! Federal authorities rule that you can not be prescribed medical marijuana if you are taking laxatives.
Apparently, you either need to shit or get off the pot.
I hate those people that knock on the door and tell me that I have to be "Saved" or "You'll burn."
Stupid firemen.
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye. I was always thinking that she was seeing someone on the side.
Accordion to science, 90% of people do not realize that I replaced the beginning of this sentence with an instrument.
They have my symphony.
I quit my job at the helium plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
Just remember, the first rule of Assumption Club is . . . Well, nevermind. You probably already know it.
I was going to share a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I'm a perfectionist with a procrastination complex. Someday, I'm gonna be awesome!
If showing up in a robe, wearing a tiara and carrying a box of wine is wrong, then perhaps I don't understand casual Friday as much as I thought I did.
What did the piece of paper say to the paperclip? "Don't go! You are the only thing holding this family together!"
A Vegan once said to me that people that sell meat are gross. I replied that people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking, but the invention of the broom swept the nation.
My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. I'm worried shitless!
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
I've been telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question, "Illegal or just frowned upon?"
Wrestling: A sport where men without pants fight for a belt.
I hate it when people are eating a cup of yogurt and spend 30 minutes scraping at the bottom of the container for every last drop. Its yogurt, not cocaine. Get a grip, people.
Recently I went to a disco. They played Jump, I jumped. They played The Twist, I did the twist. They played Come on Eilieen, and I got kicked out for that one. -
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