Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do all their drinking at home.
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You can't call yourself a parent until you have given your kids the finger behind their back while silently mouthing "You little f***er."
Before I became a parent, I swore that my kids would never have a temper tantrum in public. Lets all take a moment to laugh about this.
Therapist: Look, I need you to calm down.
Me: *banging fists on the table* BUT HOW CAN IT BE BIRTHDAY CAKE FLAVOR WHEN A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?!?
I am a 47 year old man and never, ever have I noticed if a woman's thighs touch. I'm more like, "Hey! A woman! I like those!"
I don't know why I don't buy a bunch of pinatas. I'm in the mood to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Don't forget to drink water and get some sun. We are basically houseplants with complicated emotions.
I wonder how many mosquitoes are dealing with Meth addiction right now.
If Tuesday were a movie, it would be called Monday Part 2: Shit Just Got Monday-er!
If a cyclops closes its eye, is it a wink or a blink?
What do you call an exploding monkey? A Baboom!
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know that I'm delicious, but I don't give out free samples.
Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Just remember, you can't fix stupid, but you can numb it with a 2 x 4.
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between five and six. I said Kindergarten.
You have to be pretty odd to be number one.
What kind of math do birds like? Owlgebra! Ha!
Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.
Do you know why no one has ever overdosed on weed? If you laid out 100 joints and a lighter and told someone to smoke all of them, by the fourth joint he would have lost the lighter, ordered a pizza, cuddled with their dog and fell asleep.
What did the pony say when he walked into the restaurant?
Can I get a glass of water? I'm a little hoarse.
If you are ever upset and need a good laugh, imagine a T-Rex trying to make the bed.
I just swapped my bed for a trampoline. My wife just hit the roof.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze doubles your vision.
Plagiarism: Getting in trouble for something you didn't do.
"You run into a lawful good Dragonborn police officer."
"Oh? What sort of dragon?"
"Copper." -
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