Player Quote: Give me a drink that needs a Constitution Save.
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Gamemaster Tip: Let the players write 90% of the adventure with their paranoid ramblings.
What if humans in DnD are just Dire Halflings?
Just remember, Lawful Good does not mean Lawful Nice.
Baba Yaga's Hut is why you should never give Wizards alcohol.
DM: You see a warehouse in the distance.
Player: Is that like a werewolf, but instead of a wolf, it turns into a house?
DM: (frantically scribbling stats) It is now.
Why all the hatred on Necromancers? Can't a guy just raise a family in peace?
Guard 1: One of us speaks nothing but the truth!
Guard 2: One of us speaks only lies!
Wizard: Ok, I know this. We have to ask---
Barbarian: *takes axe and kills the first guard*
Wizard: WHAT THE HELL?!?
Barbarian: *to the remaining guard* Is he dead?
Guard: No
Barbarian: This one lies
DM: At the bar, you see a dark figure, a cloaked hunched over man. He is wearing a crown of bone and blade, surrounded by three sentient rings of fire, and he has a metal arm.
Players: Who else is in the tavern?
DM: Uh, there is a goblin named Sam Smorkle.
Party: I want to talk to Sam Smorkle.
If a dwarf gets bitten by a lycanthrope, does he turn into a Were-Corgi?
Fundamentalist Fearmongering Video: This Dungeon "Master" is given complete control, and these "players" must do whatever dark things are demanded of them.
Real DM: Please, just cross the river. You have all tried to seduce the catfish, and it didn't work. I'm begging you.
Being a DM and writing your own campaigns is like buying your cats an elaborate cat condo and watching those dumb idiots spend the next four days in the box it came in eating the packing peanuts.
"Daddy, watch this!" is toddler speak for "Hold my beer, I'm about to do some stupid shit."
Do you know why Rudolph the Reindeer is so sad? His wife flew off to Vegas and blew fifty bucks.
A teacher asks a class to spell a 12 letter long word.
One student shouts, "Masterbation!"
The teacher replies, "Wow, that's a mouthful!"
Student replies, "No, you're thinking of Blow Job!"
I went into a Best Buy for some batteries the other day, and the clerk asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and 90210 and he didn't even bat an eyelid. Damn kids.
Before Amazon Prime: Wow! The order said I would get my delivery in 8-10 days, but it showed up in seven!
After Amazon Prime: If those damn coasters don't show up in 24 hours, I'm gonna shank a bitch.
Cigarettes and alcohol both come with warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous and they destroy lives. But for some reason we still allow women to walk around unchecked.
If an octopus has eight legs, and a octagon has eight sides, why isn't October the eighth month?
When baking dog biscuits, make sure you use collie flour.
55 more days until GenCon. Not that I'm counting the days or anything.
Bedtime is the leading cause of dehydration in children.
What do you call a group of singing dinosaurs?
A Tyrannochorus!
If you think about it, the letter X has more uses in math than in English.
You know what's creepy about Humpty Dumpty? They never said he was an egg! -
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