Give a man a ticket, and he'll fly for a day. Push a man out of an airplane, and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
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I bet all of you short people get really excited when you hit your heads on things.
Everyone copes in different ways. I like sex and being awesome.
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I came into the house dripping wet and I'm greeted by, "Is it raining?" I answered, "Nope. I just decided to take the fish for a walk."
Remember kids, the difference between screwing around and science is in science, you write all that shit down.
I worry about the safety of children. Especially my teenage daughter that is talking back to me right now.
People that confuse 'burro' with 'burrow' don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Dog: Do you know that feeling when you've done something bad and you can't focus on anything all day because you feel so very, very bad?
Cat: No.
Did you hear that Monday is national "Slap your annoying co-worker day". If you don't know who that is, I'd suggest you call in sick.
You ever get up and look in the mirror and think to yourself, "That can't be accurate!"
My car keeps making a funny noise, but my bank account keeps telling me to turn up the radio.
Kill hate with kindness. If that doesn't work, get a chainsaw.
DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE!
You little rebel. I like you.
Short people are so mean because they are closer to hell.
Why is patience a virtue? Why can't 'Hurry the f*** up' be a virtue instead?
I once asked my wife what she likes now that she didn't like when she was a little girl. Her reply? "Getting spanked." It still haunts my daughter's nightmares to have heard that.
Alcohol should be served in those little Capri Sun pouches. When you are too drunk to get the straw in the hole, you are done drinking.
The phrase "Per my last email . . ." is office speak for, "Bitch, can't you read?!?"
I hate it when someone tells me "Watch my stuff." What am I supposed to do when a ninja comes along and tries to take it? I don't know karate!
Just remember, Sunday carbs don't count. Those are the Lord's carbs, and He wants you to be happy.
God knew I would be too powerful if I was good at math, so He made me sarcastic and good looking instead.
You ever do something stupid that just makes you feel awesome? I just peeled an orange in one whole piece. Fear my power!
Lost your pen = No pen
No pen = No notes
No notes = No study
No study = Fail
Fail = No diploma
No diploma = No work
No work = No money
No money = No food
No food = You get skinny
You get skinny = You get ugly
You get ugly = No lover
No lover = No marriage
No marriage = No children
No children = Alone
Alone = Depression
Depression = Sickness
Sickness = Death
Lesson: Don't lose your pen
Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for me, they don't laugh. -
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