Sexual education classes in high school should be six straight hours of a baby crying while watching Barney the Dinosaur on repeat.
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Albert Einstein was a genius but his brother Frank was a monster.
People that masterbate with soap should just come clean.
Be careful everyone! There are a lot of scams on the internet. If you just send me 19.95, I can tell you how to avoid them!
Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?
Pro tip: Putting Alka Seltzer in your mouth and pretending to be possessed just before you are baptized is not considered to be a funny thing to most wives.
As a child, I was told that I could be anyone that I wanted to be. Turns out that this is called identity theft.
When I was younger, I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.
A good way to prepare for parenthood is to practice by talking to rocks. They have the same listening skills as your kids.
My daughter once asked me why I speak so softly in the house. I said it is because the NSA might be listening. She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed.
The Lysol commercial says to spray down the things I touch the most. I think that this is going to burn.
One night, I had sex for one hour and forty seconds. Thank you, daylight savings time.
The first rule of the OCD club is to have a second rule so that there is an even number of rules.
What is it called when a chameleon can't change colors any more?
A reptile dysfunction.
Pro tip: Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
I heard that, by law, you are supposed to turn on your headlights on your car when its raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know when its raining in Sweden?!?
I saw three people jogging past my window today, and it inspired me to get up . . . and close the window blinds.
I should be ashamed of my behavior. Lets be clear: I'm not, but I should be.
People are usually shocked when they find out that I'm not a very good electrician.
I never said I was a taxidermist. I said I could stuff your beaver. Big difference.
Me: *Moving my foot under the blanket*
My cat: Finally! A worthy opponent! Our battle will be legendary! Raaar!
Being a parent is actually an experiment to prove that sleep is not needed by the human body.
That awkward moment where the girl you are dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, but in actuality she just dropped her earring and no one else in the McDonalds can hear the music on your iPod.
I went to the park with my dog, and I saw a sign that said, "If your dog poops, please pick it up." I don't want to do that. My dog is flippin' heavy!
I’m like 4 and a half pages behind on liking your profile posts. Mind if I like-spam? -
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