If you throw your hands in the air like you just don't care, make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
-
They say "You are what you eat"
But I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.
If you give a Ford Fiesta Adderall, will it become a Ford Focus?
I tried to make reservations at the library yesterday, but they were completely booked.
Random thought: If the pilgrims were alive today, do you know what they would be known for?
Their age!
Me: Its kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me. Do I need a safe word?
Cop: The fuck is wrong with you?
If the Flying Spaghetti Monster didn't create life, why is DNA shaped like pasta?
Checkmate, evolution. Checkmate.
Rules of Grammar:
Double negatives are a no-no.
Dyslexics are teople, poo.
Hail Hydra!
My wife almost fell down the stairs and now we are in a heated debate as to weather my gasp was out of fear for her safety or for the possible life insurance payout.
The first rule of passive aggressive club is . . .
You know what? Never mind. Its fine. Just fine.
If you ever get melted chocolate on your fingers, you are eating it too slowly.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and people will no longer question their motives.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing, "Kill the Wabbit!" Then yes, I've been to the opera.
My boss told me that I intimidate my coworkers.
I stared at him until he apologized.
The best safeword you can use is "Meatloaf"
It means "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."
Cop: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
Cop: TURN AROUND!
Me: Every now and then . . .
Gets tazed.
I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would have done it, but he's out of town.
You guys know that 'Storm Area 51' meme that has been going on the internet? It should be done with Catholic priests, so it would be Aliens vs Predators.
Shows like CSI and Criminal Minds are like Blues Clues for adults.
Procrastinate now. Don't put it off.
Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella?
For dizzle.
Some people play the victim so well that I am surprised that they don't carry around their own body chalk.
The adult version of the game of Operation is to try to dip a tortilla chip in a jar of salsa without breaking it. -
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
