Have you ever heard in the news of a person dying from not forwarding an email to ten different people?
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There are few things worse than being hungry and not knowing what you want to eat.
Fingers are so weird. Are arms just split up into other, smaller arms.
I wonder if British people sit around trying to talk in an American accent?
Dog: All thirty sheep are here, boss.
Rancher: I only count twenty six!
Dog: I know, but I rounded them up.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-oh-acid! Ha!
If a king farts, is it a noble gas?
What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?
2 Na
With great power comes great electricity bill.
If you fart and sneeze at the same time, your body takes a screenshot.
If you have never pretended to use the Force to open an automatic door, you are wasting your time here on Earth.
Me after cleaning my bedroom: I'm never letting my room get dirty again.
Next day: Has anyone seen my bed?
Teacher: What is something that you need that you can't see or feel?
Me: WiFi.
Open fridge: Nothing to eat.
Open pantry: Nothing to eat.
Lower standards, repeat.
If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
I wear black when I work out. Its like a funeral for my fat.
Everyone keeps losing their shit over Bert and Ernie, but no one is talking about Gonzo and his chickens. What a double standard.
As a kid in school, adults really drilled 'stop, drop and roll' into my head, but they never taught me how to balance a check book. I've never once been on fire, but I've been in debt for years. Riddle me that, Batman.
Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I have the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Perkatory: The anguished, prolonged period spent waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to be ready.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase duct tape, a shovel, a tarp, and a rope and no one questions your motives.
20 years from now, you might see a commercial that says, "Have you ever been offended by Facebook? If so, you might be entitled to financial compensation."
Me: I wasn't even that drunk!
Friend: You threw a mushroom at a kid and yelled, "Grow, Mario, grow!"
The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart. -
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