I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
-
Why do I have to get extra virgin olive oil? Why can't I get some extremely slutty olive oil instead?
I saw two girls having an argument today. One was about six, the other was around fourteen. The older one yells, "Santa's not real!" The younger one looks sad, then says, "Yeah, well, neither is Edward Cullen!" The older girl broke down in tears. It was epic.
To the person that has the voodoo doll of me: Can you scratch my butt? I'm out in public, and can't do it myself. Thanks.
A friend is someone who will calm you down when you are upset. A best friend skips along side you with a bat singing, "Someone's gonna get it!"
Being a pet owner is kinda like being a sugar daddy. You waste all your money on keeping them happy, and all they do is look cute and give you attention sometimes.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they tend to back away and leave you alone.
Why are you loterally the best.
Never ask a woman that is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she is doing. Never.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten, so you can choose.
Not only do I drive the Crazy Train, I can Tokyo Drift in that bad boy.
Arrr! Get ready you scallywags! Its Talk Like a Pirate Day! So batten down the hatches and raise the anchor to set sail for adventure! Arrr!
Prepare yourselves. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. It is a very emotional holiday. It is where people travel for hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. Then you discover that once a year is waaaaay too often for some of these crazy fuckers.
Julius Caesar's assassination was the last time that everyone in a group project did their part.
At the Pharmacy:
Me: Oh, wise sage, give me what I need to banish the darkness from my mind.
Pharmacist: Here are your antidepressants.
Me: No curse of mine shall befall you from my dying breath.
Pharmacist: Thank you.
Evil Villain: I will destroy the world unless you give me 32,000 used gift bags you've kept in the closet just in case. Mwuhahahha!
Everyone: Oh no! We're doomed!
My wife: Hold my purse. I've got this.
I love cats, but I can't eat all of one in a single sitting.
Parents that swear are my kind of people. I just can't trust someone that won't drop a well timed F Bomb.
There are days I need something stronger than coffee but less than cocaine.
If you want to feed the homeless, then feed the homeless.
But the moment you put it on social media, you are also feeding your ego.
Me: I'm still tired from all the crossfit I did this morning.
My wife: Its pronounced "croissant", and you ate four of them.
Don't run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out, or worse, get kilt.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million that you won't be going to work tomorrow. Tequila makes that 1 in 5.
Dear McDonalds cashier. Don't look at me like that. There is no age limit to getting a Happy Meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy.
Today, I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I said to myself, "Now, that's a little condescending." -
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
