The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Stab in and thrust up.
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Lazy rule: Can't reach it; don't need it.
I pushed Humpty Dumpty.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument that you realize that you are wrong.
Doesn't Dora's mom ever wonder where her six year old is and why her only friends are animals?
New product idea: Combine a laxative with alphabet soup. We can call it "Letter Rip"!
I am going to open up a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where all the kids meals are over $250.00.
I can't believe that someone broke into my garage and broke my limbo stick. I mean, how low can you go?
I should run for public office just to see what scandalous dirt my opponent can dig up on me.
I want pizza, but I don't want to pay for pizza. I need a pizza daddy. A Papa John, if you will.
A haiku about getting out of bed:
No no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no
When I was a kid, we didn't have any fancy bodywash. We had to use the same bar of soap that dad just washed his ass with.
When models walk down the catwalk in their underwear, its "art" and "fashion". When I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target".
A pun is not fully mature until it is full groan.
It is a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It is a thirty minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
What if magic was real, but it was treated like music with different genres and you're like "Oh, you're into conjuring? That's cool, I guess. Recently I've been getting into third-wave post necromancy. It's some pretty heavy stuff."
"What? You've never learned Fireball? Its a classic!"
"I don't know; I'm not really into evocations."
"How an you not be into ANY evocations?"
"Its kinda like dad magic, y'know?"
The next time you get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock, because communication is key.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex? They don't want to admit that a piece of meat is making them happy!
Money cannot buy happiness, but it is a lot more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
I wish my Ex could look down from heaven and see me now.
But nooooo. That MF is still alive.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
Will you go out with me? Blink twice for yes, sniff this rag for no.
Without stupid people, we would have no one to laugh at. Take the time to thank a stupid person for their contribution. Its only nice.
Do you know why being a Vegetarian is a bad thing? The dinosaurs had no bacon, and look how it ended for them.
Did you ever wish you could kill someone, then bring them back and be like, "Ha! I meant it when I said stop messing with me!" -
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