They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
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You are not really drunk until you are speaking fluent Ozzy Osborne.
Why do people say that they are having a tuna-fish sandwich? We don't say that we are about to eat a chicken-bird sandwich, after all.
Does anyone else have that little voice inside their heads screaming, "Slap the idiot! Slap the idiot!" or is it just me?
I've started telling Thanksgiving jokes in preparation for the holiday. My family wants me to stop, but I just can't quit "Cold Turkey"!
Over the weekend, I saw a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an IWitness?
The fact that there is a stairway to heaven is very troubling to me. What about all those people in wheelchairs?
Did you know that squirrels are like cigarettes? They are harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they will gently lower his coffin into the ground, pull it back up, turn it around, and lower it down again.
My six year old wanted a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Flowers say "I'm sorry."
Louis Vuitton says, "I'm sorry, and I've learned my lesson."
You know all that lint in the drier lint trap after each load of wash? What if it is actually the cremated remains of all the missing socks that vanish?
Unsure how to confess your love to someone? Try this:
1. Go buy several dozen limes.
2. Go up to the person while holding the limes and drop all of them.
3. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them, the clumsier the better.
4. Keep doing this until you have their attention.
5. Finally gather up the limes. Try to look a bit sheepish.
6. Look them in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm horrible at Pick Up Limes."
7. Profit.
During the last time I was checking in at the airport, the guy at the check-out counter reminded me and my wife that we were not allowed to carry sharp objects with us onto the plane, and I replied with, "Oh, it looks like I'll have to leave behind my wit and sarcasm," and that's how I made the middle aged guy laugh so hard he had to have a colleague take over for him as my wife elbowed me in the ribs.
I tried to pick up a banana in front of my wife and pretend I was making a phone call, but the whole bunch came up with it at once. I covered with, "I guess it was a conference call."
My wife is not speaking to me.
The year is 2053. A girl lays on her bed wearing vintage ugg boots. "I was born in the wrong generation," she sighs as she listens to Taylor Swift music and cries over a One Direction poster. Some kids are actually going to be like this. Fear the future.
Wrestling: The only sport where people without pants fight for a belt.
We are all brave in our own way. For example, I am not afraid to eat raw cookie dough.
I'm sorry I sprayed WD 40 in your mouth while you were talking.
But in my defense, it DID stop that noise you were making.
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
The Eat Right Rule: If your food can go bad, it is good for you. If it can't go bad, it is bad for you. Twinkies are a prime example. They are good forever.
Random thought: If there is a "Hell Yes", and a "Heavens No", why not a "Purgatory Maybe"?
I have to warn you all, I am an animal in bed. Pet me and bring me food.
A day without sarcasm coming out of my mouth is like . . . well, I'll let you know if and when that ever happens. -
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