Why aren't breakfast dates more common? I'm like, lets forget the fancy 9pm dinner, and we can now hang out at 9am in our PJs.
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All men like to think that they are marrying nymphomanicacs. The problem is, after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac stays.
Rice cakes have no business calling themselves 'cake'. I call bullshit.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Grrraaaiiinnnss!
To hell with laboratory safety. I want my superpowers.
When I asked the hospital staff if I could do my own stitches, they said suture self.
Crying about a broken heart all day is childish.
Get drunk and set shit on fire like an adult.
Do you know how to frighten the hell out of the latest generation? Lock the person in a room with a rotary phone with the instructions on use written in cursive and tell them to try and escape.
You should not regret past mistakes. All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I've decided to kill off a few of the characters in the book I'm writing. Should make my autobiography a lot more interesting to read.
If at first you don't succeed, its called 'attempted murder'.
Whenever I'm out with the kids and someone says "Oh, you have a beautiful family!" I say, "Well, we left the ugly ones at home."
You say 'hospitalization for a nervous breakdown', and I say 'quiet vacation with awesome drugs'.
A friend sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning. I tried it and it worked. The more I drank, the cleaner the house looked!
I just want to let people know, if I can hear you chew, I have fantasied about your death.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Every now and then, I go outside and run the vacuum over the driveway just to make sure that my neighbors never talk to me.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is completely safe.
If Disney's Beauty and the Beast teaches us one thing, its that looks don't matter. Just make sure you keep her locked up for long enough.
Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks? Its not like they aren't giant freaking turtles or anything.
I hate it when a movie says it has 'adult situations' in it, but they never show someone paying bills, or cleaning up after their kids went through the room like a tornado.
Stress: The result of you overriding the natural urge to choke the living shit out of some asshole that desperately needs it.
Ever drink so much coffee that you can see sounds?
Its days like today that make me wish that they made Flintstones Chewable Morphine.
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, you're drunk. Ducks don't talk. -
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