Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music?
He'll be Bach.
He'll be Bach.
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The meeting of the clairvoyants society has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
My six year old told me that she wants a cat for Christmas.
Normally I do a turkey, but hey, if it will make her happy. . .
Did you hear about the man that survived a Grizzly bear attack with just a .22 pistol?
His friend that he shot in the knee was not as lucky.
I just swallowed a whole box of Scrabble pieces.
My next poop could spell disaster.
Earlier today, I saw a great paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.
I was once kidnapped by a pack of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts upon me.
Do you know the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream!
You can't lose a homing pigeon. If it doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.
Let me tell you a little about myself.
It is a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'.
When I was little, my mom used to feed me alphabet soup and would tell me that I loved it.
I really didn't. She was just putting words in my mouth.
I've decided that my new career is to be a backwards stripper. I'll come out on stage naked, and people pay me to put my clothes back on.
Last night, I went to a seafood disco.
I pulled a mussel dancing.
Did you hear about the dentist and the manicurist? They fight tooth and nail.
You may not believe this, but pretzels are knot bread.
All of the psychics I know are angry and depressed.
I need a happy medium.
Where would we all be without rhetorical questions?
Kid: <spits out food>
Mom: We will have none of that! If it goes into your mouth, you swallow it!"
Dad: <looks at Mom.>
Mom: Shut up, dear!
DC Movie Heroes: "Killing is wrong. The only thing that separates us from the villains is our moral code. Otherwise, we'd be just as bad as them."
Marvel Movie Heroes: "So anyways, when I saw the bad guys, I started blasting . . . "
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, then my illegal logging business is going well.
Have you seen the movie "Constipated?" Don't worry; it hasn't come out yet.
I married Miss Right. I discovered later on that her first name was Always.
Corduroy pillows.
They are making headlines.
A furniture store keeps calling me....
All I wanted was one night stand.
School Professor: Group projects teach important life lessons.
Me: But I already know how to hate other people. -
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