I'm broke but not poor broke. I'm a classy kind of broke. I'm broque.
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I wonder if I've ever bought milk from the same cow twice.
Coffee is so confident. Its just a wet bean, and its like I'm worth 5.75 and you need me bitch.
DnD Pickup LIne:
I hope you are not a Mimic, because your chest is epic!
Anime woman: *has baby*
Anime doctor: *checks baby's hairstyle* I'm sorry ma'am, he's a main character.
Anime woman: *sobs* No! I'm too young to die!
Anime doctor: I'm sorry ma'am. You know the rules. *Takes out gun . . . *
The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if some random body part just decided to fall off.
I am a gentleman, but when I get mad, I am an evil demon spawned sadistic ass that will make you rue the day you were born.
But when I'm in a good mood, I bake cookies and shit.
Kids today don't know anything about stress. When I grew up, if you missed a tv show, you just missed it. Forever.
How are relationships a lot like algebra?
Sometimes you look at your X and you wonder Y.
Did you know that Raymond Burr had a brother that was a lumberjack? His name was Tim.
Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that collective stupidity was the cause of a lack of information?
Well, it wasn't that.
Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
Its all over town!
Why do teenagers walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can't even.
What does Winnie the Pooh, Alexander the Great, and Chance the Rapper have in common?
Their middle name is 'the'!
Things that us crazy cat people do:
Answer your cat's meows with, "Yes, yes! I know!"
I was such a badass when I was younger. Once I peed in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke, and now that truck is known as Optimus Prime.
The police officer that pulled me over said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"Obviously not fast enough. You caught me!"
Ladies, if any of you are looking for a man with a good personality, you are in luck. I have several!
What do you call an apology letter written in dots and dashes?
A remorse code.
I ate a doughnut without sprinkles today. Diets are hard.
Maybe serial killers are just normal people on a low carb diet.
At a recent wedding party, someone yelled, "All you married people, stand next to the person that makes your life worth living!" The bartender was nearly trampled by the rush of people.
Its a good thing that farting isn't as contagious as yawning is, or else it would be horrible for everybody.
Women love it when you kiss their neck.
Just not when they are driving. And when you are in the back seat. And they don't know you.
Can we stop screwing around and just frost the whole Pop Tart? We have the technology. -
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