Was Bingo the name of the farmer, or the dog?
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The most unrealistic thing in spy movies is their ability to insert a USB drive into the port the first time correctly.
Write the name of someone you hate on your body in permanent marker. That way, when you die suddenly, they are a suspect.
If gas prices keep going up, it will be cheaper to snort a line of cocaine and run everywhere.
Do people that work for Pepsi get fired if they test positive for Coke?
Cheese is just a loaf of milk.
Lasers were once a huge scientific breakthrough, but now we use them to play with cats.
Computers were once a huge scientific breakthrough, but now we use them to look at pictures of cats.
Conclusion: Science was made for cats.
Since bats fly because of skin stretched over elongated finger bones, it means that bats fly by the power of jazz hands.
Maybe cats purposely break stuff on shelves so that we would have to buy replacement stuff and then they can play in the empty boxes.
The word 'nun' is just the letter 'n' doing a cartwheel.
No matter how old you get, a empty wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.
I wonder if I've ever walked past a murderer and they looked at me and thought to themselves, "Naah, not that one."
Since most pop music has the lyrics and music written by someone else, most pop stars are just overpaid karaoke singers.
Its kinda funny to me that Darth Vader's signature move is to choke people, but he needs the suit in order to be able to breathe.
The first person ever to be sarcastic must have had a hard time trying to explain it to everyone.
The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made of cling wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Due to rising costs, dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish", but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird"?
I wanted to watch the origami world championship on tv, but it was only on paper view!
Do you know why you should never get involved with a tennis player?
Love means nothing to them!
I stopped believing for a little while this morning. Journey is going to be pissed if they ever find out.
I knew that the psychic was bogus the second she accepted my check.
To avoid arguing with stupid people, just agree with everything they say. So if someone tells you that 2+2=5, say, "Yep, 'cause you have to remember to carry the one."
Smiling gives you wrinkles, while resting bitch face does not. Stay beautiful, my friends. -
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