Just remember: Safety first!
Just kidding. Coffee is first, and safety is like . . . third or fourth.
Just kidding. Coffee is first, and safety is like . . . third or fourth.
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Some people wear their crazy better than others.
Me? I look freaking awesome in mine.
Here is a picture of me having fun at the gym.
Yeah, I couldn't picture that either.
I'm waiting for the day that they make an emoji that jumps out of your phone and bitch-slaps people.
Give a man a fish, and apparently you are a crappy secret Santa.
People should not be allowed to get their driver's license until they beat the Rainbow Road on Mario Kart.
Did you hear about the new toilet with a built-in internet connection? It will automatically post your shit to Twitter and Facebook.
Whenever I am feeling spontaneous, my bank account tells me to calm the f*** down.
Here is a word of encouragement for those of you getting ready to go to work on Monday morning. Remember, there is no Netflix in prison.
The most common ghost are the visions dressed in white sheets with flailing arms. These are people who died changing their duvets. They roam bedrooms, eternally trying to find the corners.
This holloween, I'm going to dress as an agent of SHIELD and go up to every person dressed as a superhero and say, "I wish to talk to you about the Avenger's Initiative."
If weed is ever completely legal, I can't wait to see the commercials.
Why do people call the show company "Nikey" instead of Nike. You don't ride a bikey, do you?
Some people need a shock collar, and I need the remote.
For goodness sake! Stop killing volcanoes to make Lava Lamps!
Deer population is naturally controlled by releasing wolves into the area. All problems should be solved like that. Too much pollution? Release wolves into the factory. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Want to lose weight? That's right. Wolves.
FYI, you pee on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Again, my apologies to the lady at the Waffle House this morning.
Nutrition labels should have a "What if I ate the whole package in one sitting" section.
I think its ok to be any gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation that works for you. But it is not ok to stop at a yellow light when we both could have made it through the intersection.
Its really sad how Wyle E. Coyote is remembered only for his violence and not the brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Wow. Apparently its "rude" to ask parents of a kid on a leash if its a rescue.
A truck filled with Vicks Vapor Rub overturns on the highway. Amazingly enough, there is no congestion for eight hours.
I wonder who has the better healing factor: Deadpool, Wolverine, or the cat from the Tom and Jerry cartoons.
The fact that Head and Shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes is a missed opportunity.
I think it is really horrible that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh. -
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