I was arrested yesterday, and as the cop was cuffing me, he said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
I replied with, "Naked Gillian Anderson."
It didn't work.
I replied with, "Naked Gillian Anderson."
It didn't work.
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I call bullshit on cleaning with alcohol. After the first bottle, I never get anything done.
If I order rabbit stew at a restaurant, am I allowed to say, "Waiter, there's a hare in my stew?" and not get in trouble from my wife?
I am thinking that I need a brain transplant.
Can anyone change my mind?
Police officer: Please sit down on that chair. We have some questions for you.
My lawyer: <whispers> Deny everything!
Me: That's not a chair!
HeLlO tHeRe FiNe PeRsOn
Right now, one of us is thinking about sex.
And just like that, now it's two.
Me, talking to a friend: I'm going to become a terrorist and kill 1,000 people and a monkey.
Friend: What? Why a monkey?
Me: I knew it! No one cares about the 1,000 people!
I'm starting to host meetings for people with OCD at my house. I don't have it; I'm just hoping that they do some cleaning while they are here.
I hope that this virus situation gets resolved before tick season, or we will be getting Corona with Lyme.
Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Ha!
What do you call a waffle on a California beach?
Sandy Eggo!
A lumberjack goes into a magic forest to get some wood. As he is about to swing his axe, the tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
He replies, "Yes, and you will dialogue!"
And here's one for you, bud!
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic. (Credit: BoredPanda.com)
=)
Aw, Sherwood! Your Profile Posts are my favorite! Whenever I want an uplift in mood, this is one of the places I go. Keep it up, bud! *hugs* =)
What does Batman like in his drinks?
Just ice.
Soylant Green may be made of people, but I hear it tastes different depending on the person.
Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
What if this quarantine is just the aliens trying to fatten us up before the harvest?
Toilet paper alternative: Spray Pam between your cheeks and the poop won't stick. Don't ask how I found this out.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do it, and the second to add an unexpected twist at the end.
Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire by sitting around the house in his pajamas. Somehow, that is not happening for me.
Did you hear in the news about the ice cream truck that crashed? He blamed it on the Rocky Road!
I wanted to become a monk, but I never got the chants.
A friend of mine was trying to explain electricity to me and I was like, "Watt?" -
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