Sherwood

Sherwood · Apr 16, 2020

Me, in Hell:
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Awesome! I'm a glutton for punishment!
Demon: <quietly in to walkie-talkie> I need a supervisor here.

Sherwood · Apr 16, 2020

I got thrown out of a casino once. Totally misunderstood the whole concept of a craps table.

Sherwood · Apr 15, 2020

Homeschooling tip:
Any student that rolls their eyes or talks back to the teacher should be put on janitor duty until further notice.

Sherwood · Apr 7, 2020

When a soap cleans 99.99% of all the germs, combine it with another soap to kill 199.98%. Modern problems need modern solutions.

Sherwood · Apr 7, 2020

Remember that kid from the Home Alone movies? He could have called the police at any time and been safe. Just one little phone call. But no. He wanted to hurt those men. He was hunting them, and was enjoying it. What a little sociopath.

Sherwood · Apr 7, 2020

Paranoia has reached absurd levels.

I just sneezed in front of my laptop, and it started its own virus scan.

Sherwood · Apr 5, 2020

I want to open up a support group for people addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

It will be a place to turn yourself around.

Sherwood · Apr 5, 2020

Doctor: You've just tested positive for Covid-19.
Me: That can't be. I have over three hundred rolls of toilet paper!

Sherwood · Apr 5, 2020

Pizza rolls are just spaghetti flavored Tide Pods.

Sherwood · Apr 5, 2020

When Kenny Rogers passed away in the middle of this virus crisis it was the most full on 'know when to fold 'em' move ever.

Sherwood · Apr 5, 2020

Store clerk: Do you want to try a graham cracker?
Me: A gram of what?

Sherwood · Apr 5, 2020

My therapist thinks that I'm too judgmental, but that's because he's an idiot.

Sherwood · Apr 2, 2020

Sometimes I wonder if the Covid-19 virus thing started out all because I didn't forward that email to ten other people.

Sherwood · Mar 29, 2020

People are so freaked out right now, I bet I could rob a bank with a dirty Kleenex.

Sherwood · Mar 26, 2020

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Sherwood · Mar 24, 2020

Just think - we are just a few weeks away from knowing everyone's true hair color.

Sherwood · Mar 24, 2020

Is this a sore throat?
Is this just allergies?
Caught in a lockdown,
No escape from reality.

Don't touch your eyes,
just sanitize quicklyyyyyyy,
I'm just a poor boy, no job security.
Because of easy spread, even though
washed your hands, laying low
I look out the window, the curve
doesn't look flatter to me, to me

Mama just killed a man,
I didn't stay in bed,
walked past him now he's dead
mama, life was so much fun,
but now I've caught this unforgiving plague!

Sherwood · Mar 20, 2020

A husband asks his wife to dress up as his favorite Star Wars character for a bit of fun in the bedroom. He walks in and is shocked. He says, "Babe, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite character in the movie!"

RandomBlobMan · Mar 20, 2020

eyy lmao

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

Cat Vampire: Let me in!
Me: Ok.
<Opens door>
Cat Vampire: You fool! Now I will drain your blood! Mwuhaha!
Me: . . .
Cat Vampire: I changed my mind. Let me out.

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' mixed up. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Sherwood · Mar 18, 2020

Me: So Christ's body is the bread?
Priest: Yes.
Me: And he rose from the grave.
Priest: Yes.
Me: Was it because of the yeast?
Priest: Um, no.
Me: Ok, I'm officially confused.