Sherwood

Sherwood · Jun 11, 2020

Corgi: Why are my legs so short?
God: That's just what legs look like.
Corgi: Ok, that's cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi: <glares at God>
God: Um, you weren't supposed to see that.

Sherwood · Jun 11, 2020

Child at bedtime: Daddy, I'm scared! There is a monster in the closet!
Me: Oh, don't be silly! There is no mon-OH DEAR GOD! ITS TEARING MY ARM OFF! HELP! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. He only eats children. Sleep well!

Sherwood · Jun 11, 2020

Who was the person that missed the opportunity to call astronomers 'skyentists'?

Sherwood · Jun 11, 2020

Just a bit of advice from a married man: Make sure you pick someone you know you'd be down to have sex with in the laundry room while the kids are watching Lion King and there is still ten minutes before the dinosaur nuggets come out of the oven.

Sherwood · Jun 11, 2020

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision.

Sherwood · Jun 11, 2020

At the grocery store today, I saw a big letter 'X' for me to stand on. I've seen far too many Roadrunner cartoons to fall for that one. Nice try.

Sherwood · Jun 11, 2020

As it turns out, when you are asked which child is your favorite, you should probably answer with one of your own. I know this now.

Sherwood · Jun 1, 2020

If its true that you are what you eat, I need to munch on a skinny person.

Sherwood · Jun 1, 2020

Ladies, if your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

Sherwood · Jun 1, 2020

I was arrested yesterday, and as the cop was cuffing me, he said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
I replied with, "Naked Gillian Anderson."

It didn't work.

Sherwood · May 28, 2020

I call bullshit on cleaning with alcohol. After the first bottle, I never get anything done.

Sherwood · May 28, 2020

If I order rabbit stew at a restaurant, am I allowed to say, "Waiter, there's a hare in my stew?" and not get in trouble from my wife?

Sherwood · May 28, 2020

I am thinking that I need a brain transplant.

Can anyone change my mind?

Sherwood · May 28, 2020

Police officer: Please sit down on that chair. We have some questions for you.
My lawyer: <whispers> Deny everything!
Me: That's not a chair!

RandomBlobMan · May 27, 2020

HeLlO tHeRe FiNe PeRsOn

Sherwood · May 20, 2020

Right now, one of us is thinking about sex.

And just like that, now it's two.

Sherwood · May 6, 2020

Me, talking to a friend: I'm going to become a terrorist and kill 1,000 people and a monkey.
Friend: What? Why a monkey?
Me: I knew it! No one cares about the 1,000 people!

Sherwood · May 6, 2020

I'm starting to host meetings for people with OCD at my house. I don't have it; I'm just hoping that they do some cleaning while they are here.

Sherwood · Apr 29, 2020

I hope that this virus situation gets resolved before tick season, or we will be getting Corona with Lyme.

Sherwood · Apr 27, 2020

Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Ha!

Sherwood · Apr 27, 2020

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

Sandy Eggo!

Sherwood · Apr 27, 2020

A lumberjack goes into a magic forest to get some wood. As he is about to swing his axe, the tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
He replies, "Yes, and you will dialogue!"