Doctor: You've just tested positive for Covid-19.
Me: That can't be. I have over three hundred rolls of toilet paper!
Me: That can't be. I have over three hundred rolls of toilet paper!
-
Pizza rolls are just spaghetti flavored Tide Pods.
When Kenny Rogers passed away in the middle of this virus crisis it was the most full on 'know when to fold 'em' move ever.
Store clerk: Do you want to try a graham cracker?
Me: A gram of what?
My therapist thinks that I'm too judgmental, but that's because he's an idiot.
Sometimes I wonder if the Covid-19 virus thing started out all because I didn't forward that email to ten other people.
People are so freaked out right now, I bet I could rob a bank with a dirty Kleenex.
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied. Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Just think - we are just a few weeks away from knowing everyone's true hair color.
Is this a sore throat?
Is this just allergies?
Caught in a lockdown,
No escape from reality.
Don't touch your eyes,
just sanitize quicklyyyyyyy,
I'm just a poor boy, no job security.
Because of easy spread, even though
washed your hands, laying low
I look out the window, the curve
doesn't look flatter to me, to me
Mama just killed a man,
I didn't stay in bed,
walked past him now he's dead
mama, life was so much fun,
but now I've caught this unforgiving plague!
A husband asks his wife to dress up as his favorite Star Wars character for a bit of fun in the bedroom. He walks in and is shocked. He says, "Babe, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite character in the movie!"
eyy lmao
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Cat Vampire: Let me in!
Me: Ok.
<Opens door>
Cat Vampire: You fool! Now I will drain your blood! Mwuhaha!
Me: . . .
Cat Vampire: I changed my mind. Let me out.
I got the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' mixed up. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: So Christ's body is the bread?
Priest: Yes.
Me: And he rose from the grave.
Priest: Yes.
Me: Was it because of the yeast?
Priest: Um, no.
Me: Ok, I'm officially confused.
Can a ghost and a zombie come from the same person?
Me: I just love my new indestructible walls. I just wish I had some Kool-Aid.
<audible thump outside>
Me: What was that?
I don't understand why people don't instantly respond to the question of 'what superpower would you want' with the ability to alter probabilities. Just think about it. What's the probability that someone is about to just drop a million dollars in front of me? 0%. Lets change that to 100%. What's the probability that I'll wake up tomorrow and Gillian Anderson wants to come over to my place and hook up with me? 100%. What's the probability that I'll walk into the bathroom and find that the bathtub has been filled with tapioca pudding? 100%
A monkey was arrested at the zoo for flinging his feces at people. Three zoo employees were taken to the hospital with turd degree burns.
I believe that a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects would simply have made towns big enough for everyone.
If you were to take a poop on an elevator, could you say that you were taking that shit to another level?
God: How many more animals are there to create?
Angel: Two.
God: And how many legs do we have left?
Angel: One hundred.
Centipede: Dibs!
Snake: Asshole!
The Beauty Industry:
For men: this can be used as shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouthwash, toothpaste, engine degreaser, spackle or sunscreen.
For women: we have a special bottle for your left elbow.
I overheard a guy at Target the other day trying to return a pile of 30-some odd pool noodles. When the cashier asked him why, the guy says, "The shopping list just said noodles. Boy, was my wife mad!" -
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