Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of the night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
2 Kilomockingbirds! Ha!
A brief explanation of what an acorn is:
In a nutshell, its a oak tree.
Me: I've finally conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit!
Me: Oh, crap! Where?
Do you know where Sith Lords go shopping? At the Darth Maul! Ha!
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. I took her to a Subway. That's when the fight started.
Sure I could parent without screen time. I could also churn my own butter. Lets not get crazy here.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood, making pancakes more important than family.
Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.
Ever since Universal made the '50 Shades of Gray' movies, I've been wondering if there will be a corresponding ride at their theme parks.
It is a mystery to me why kamikaze pilots would wear helmets.
Ever wonder why Wal-Mart sells bras when none of the women that go in there actually wear one?
Young girls now days are obsessed with the idea of having a thigh gap.
I blame the impossible body standards set by SpongeBob SquarePants.
The fancy way of saying 'box wine' is 'carbordeaux'.
If you are ever being chased by a hostile gang of taxidermists, do not play dead!
A new study suggests that fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have kids, chances are that you won't either.
Not a single person asked me if I could run fast in my new shoes. Being an adult is stupid.
Interviewer: Why do you think you would be a great waiter?
Me: Lets just say . . . I bring a lot to the table!
Interviewer: Holy crap.
Wife: Can you pick up a gallon of milk?
Me: <Lifts gallon> Yeah, its pretty easy.
Wife: I meant from the store.
Me: I would imagine that they weigh the same there.
Wife: You need to relax. Not everyone is a clone.
Me: My real wife wouldn't say that.
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: Ok, so, what is your greatest weakness?
Me: Those beautiful blue eyes of yours.
Interviewer: It says here that you are quick with numbers. What's 14x33?
Me: 56
Interviewer: That's not even close.
Me: But it was quick.
Sometimes I enter your profile to see your newest messages and realize that your profile cover is two anime girls. It frightens me all the time.
Also thanks for the awesome profile posts as always.
Step 1: Take pictures of all the cats in your neighborhood.
Step 2: Make missing kitty pages and post them all on telephone poles.
Step 3: Have all the cute kitties and be happy.
We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more nacho cheese favor than a peasant in the 1400's would get in their whole lifetime. -
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