Sherwood

RandomBlobMan · Feb 22, 2020

Sometimes I enter your profile to see your newest messages and realize that your profile cover is two anime girls. It frightens me all the time.
Also thanks for the awesome profile posts as always.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2020

Step 1: Take pictures of all the cats in your neighborhood.
Step 2: Make missing kitty pages and post them all on telephone poles.
Step 3: Have all the cute kitties and be happy.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2020

We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more nacho cheese favor than a peasant in the 1400's would get in their whole lifetime.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2020

I have a friend that became a vegetarian. She's changed so much. It's like I've never seen herbivore.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2020

Professor X: What is your mutant power?
Me: Hindsight.
Professor X: That won't help us.
Me: Yes, I can see that now.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2020

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say that you are . . .

Independent.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2020

Scary thought of the night: Outer space might be filled with vampires, but we would never know because all of our telescopes use mirrors to see.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2020

The true definition of a cannibal: Someone that is fed up with people.

Sherwood · Feb 21, 2020

A man was washing his car with his son.
Son: Dad? Can't you just use a sponge like a normal person?

Sherwood · Feb 21, 2020

Me: I have misplaced my medieval servant boy. I'll just use Google to see if I can find him.
Google: The page cannot be found.

Sherwood · Feb 21, 2020

Me: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]

Sherwood · Feb 21, 2020

Me, at a costume party
Host: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Me: A harp
Host: That outfit is too small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

Sherwood · Feb 21, 2020

Old MacDonald had dyslexia;
O, I, E, I, E!

Sherwood · Feb 19, 2020

I'm writing a novel, but it is done from a fifth person point of view. I'm starting every sentence with, "I heard from this guy who told somebody . . . "

Sherwood · Feb 17, 2020

Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

Sherwood · Feb 17, 2020

Do you know why you can' t email a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden!

Sherwood · Feb 17, 2020

The next time you are in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door, yell out, "Come back with a warrant!"

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

If you think about it, cop cars are scarecrows for people.

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

Long Car Rides
Other People: Oh this is soooo boring!
Me, a maladapted daydreamer: Oh, this is a blessing. Let me just listen to my music and stare out my window while my mind slips into my alternate reality.

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

"?!" makes a noise in my head, but I have no idea how to describe it.

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

Me: Why do I feel so terrible?
Body: Coffee is not a meal.
Body: Eat a vegetable!
Body: Get some sleep!
Me: I guess I'll never know.
Body: Oh, good grief!

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

Me: I will not be awkward today. I will not be awkward today. I will not be awkward today.
Person: Hey.
Me: Good, thanks!

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

In my head: Constructs witty and insightful answers to interview questions for when I'm famous.
Ordering at a restaurant: Please, I the soup want.

Sherwood · Feb 14, 2020

Sometime in the far future, people will dig up Disneyland and think it was the capitol of some bizarre mouse-worshiping land.

Sherwood · Feb 12, 2020

How did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all the letters of the alphabet and not "sphynx of black quartz, judge my vow" which is a million times cooler?