Sherwood

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

Long Car Rides
Other People: Oh this is soooo boring!
Me, a maladapted daydreamer: Oh, this is a blessing. Let me just listen to my music and stare out my window while my mind slips into my alternate reality.

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

"?!" makes a noise in my head, but I have no idea how to describe it.

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

Me: Why do I feel so terrible?
Body: Coffee is not a meal.
Body: Eat a vegetable!
Body: Get some sleep!
Me: I guess I'll never know.
Body: Oh, good grief!

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

Me: I will not be awkward today. I will not be awkward today. I will not be awkward today.
Person: Hey.
Me: Good, thanks!

Sherwood · Feb 15, 2020

In my head: Constructs witty and insightful answers to interview questions for when I'm famous.
Ordering at a restaurant: Please, I the soup want.

Sherwood · Feb 14, 2020

Sometime in the far future, people will dig up Disneyland and think it was the capitol of some bizarre mouse-worshiping land.

Sherwood · Feb 12, 2020

How did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all the letters of the alphabet and not "sphynx of black quartz, judge my vow" which is a million times cooler?

Sherwood · Feb 12, 2020

Here is a tip:
Carry a fork with you at all times. If someone tries to rob you, take out the fork and say, "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal that I'm about to eat!" Then charge after the person and try to stab them with the fork while licking your lips.

Sherwood · Feb 12, 2020

The three stages of a cat yawn:
Stage 1: Cute tiny 'O' mouth
Stage 2: Stick the tongue out real far
Stage 3: Entire face splits open like a Lovecraftian horror, revealing an endless pit of teeth and pain

Sherwood · Feb 12, 2020

If there was an award for being lazy, I would probably have someone go get it for me so I could take a nap.

Sherwood · Feb 12, 2020

If you watch carefully, cats almost never meow at one another, instead, they usually meow at humans. I think 'meow' means, "Come here and worship me, slave!"

Sherwood · Feb 11, 2020

Me: Who's dog are you?
Dog: I'M YOUR DOG! YES, I'M YOUR DOG! <TWIRL TWIRL WAG TAIL OVER AND OVER>
Me: Who's cat are you?
Cat: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON'T TOUCH MY STOMACH, HUMAN!

Sherwood · Feb 11, 2020

I'm so cool, I simply walk into Mordor.

Sherwood · Feb 10, 2020

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

You won't be able to handle the reaper cushions.

Sherwood · Feb 4, 2020

I just learned that a dentist that lives up the street was just arrested for dealing illegal drugs. Goes to show you that you never know someone completely. I mean, I've been going to him for ten years and I never knew that he was a dentist.

Afropuppy · Feb 4, 2020

I have so many questions about your profile posts.

Sherwood · Feb 4, 2020

Do you know why Cleopatra was so irresistible?

It was because of her Pharoh-mones!

Sherwood · Feb 3, 2020

My brother got hospitalized when he fell off of horse. I asked the doctor how he was doing, and he said his condition was 'stable'.

Sherwood · Feb 3, 2020

I told a friend that Orion's Belt is a real waist of space. He said it was a terrible joke, and gave it only three stars.

Sherwood · Feb 3, 2020

Why is the word 'dark' spelled with a 'k' and not a 'c'? Because you can't C in the dark!

I crack myself up.

Sherwood · Feb 3, 2020

Do you know what its called when a short person waves at you?

A micro-wave! Ha!

Sherwood · Feb 3, 2020

Did you hear that the underwear bandit got caught? He's being charged with a brief crime spree.

Sherwood · Feb 3, 2020

I saw a baguette at the zoo today. They say it was bread in captivity.

Sherwood · Feb 2, 2020

I saw a documentary on the History Channel about the construction of the Pentagon. It was originally supposed to be an octagon, but the contractor kept cutting corners.