I am happy to announce that today I am celebrating my twenty forth wedding anniversary! Thanks to my wife for many wonderful years together, with the hope for many more!
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Me pre-kids: I will never lie to my kids - ever!
Me with kids: I just got off the phone with Santa. He says if you don't put on your shoes right now, he's going to have to put down another unicorn.
I don't think that Canadians are as friendly as everyone says they are. They like to stab trees and feast upon their blood.
I should be ashamed of my behavior. Lets be clear: I'm not, but I should be.
When you squat down, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing up an aluminum can stuffed full of celery? Asking for a friend.
What if there were no rhetorical questions?
I talk to my cats the way that a creepy guy talks to a woman that he has no chance with:
"Hey baby! Come here! You are looking so cute! Screw you then. I didn't want to pet you anyways."
Slow runner make fast runners look good.
Just another service I provide. You're welcome.
What do you get when you burn a bagel?
Holey smoke!
I'm too old to drop it like it's hot. I'm just going to sit down like its warm.
From a procrastination standpoint, this day has been wildly successful.
Shortest horror story ever:
Monday
If I were a Care Bear, there'd be a picture of bacon on my belly.
Tofu is made from ground up unicorns. I know its true; I read about it on the internet.
It was me: I burned down Cheryl's She-Shed.
The next time you get into a fight with your significant other, the two of you should breathe in some helium from a balloon. The first one to laugh is the loser.
You should always try to grow old with your BFF so you can have wheelchair races and duel each other with your canes in the nursing home.
I just lined up my first date of 2020. Its a court date, but I'm still dressing up for it!
If the US switched from pounds to kilograms overnight, there would be mass confusion.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, did he just bust a move?
I never let anyone drive me crazy. Its nearby, and walking is good for me.
I told my wife about the fact that kissing burns 6.4 calories a minute, and offered to help her with a rousing workout. She hit me and walked away.
True love. It's what we have for each other.
One of my favorite games to play is, "Is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdraw, lack of proper nutrition, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing glasses, or a brain tumor?"
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Eight vowels, eleven consonants, an exclamation point and a comma appeared in court today. They are due to be sentenced next week. -
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