Sherwood

Sherwood

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Luna's Concubine 53
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Viewing thread Splicers - I Am Legion - IC Thread
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  • Sherwood
    Wizard: Why are you making popcorn?
    Rogue: The bard asked very loudly who would win between the Warlock's Patron or the Cleric's Deity.
    Wizard: This . . . is bad! Do something!
    Rogue: I am. I'm making popcorn!
    Bard: And I'm supervising!
    Sherwood
    Apparently, BDSM does not stand for "Beholders, Dragons, Slimes and Mimics". So, if you find a BDSM dungeon, don't arm yourself and kick in the door. All you'll find is a bunch of Hellraiser cosplayers that will scream bloody murder about kink shaming and will call the cops.
    Kaerri
    Kaerri
    I'd rather have the beholders, dragons, slimes, and mimics. >.> Well, maybe not the slimes. Tough call.
    Sherwood
    I found a wizard that specializes in making potions and summoning genies.

    I asked him for some djinn and tonics!
    Sherwood
    So, how do you get your spells?
    Wizard: Through years of constant study.
    Cleric: Through the grace of my god.
    Druid: Through the blessings of the Earth itself.
    Warlock: Through my patrons knowledge.
    Sorcerer: Through my ancestor's power.
    Bard: I was just making fun of a goblin one day and suddenly the little guy just died. It was the craziest shit ever!
    Sherwood
    Bard: I just rolled a nat 20 to seduce the dragon!
    GM: <sighs> the dragon becomes interested enough in you to not kill you immediately.
    Bard: Another nat 20! I'm gonna tap that soon!
    GM: I didn't even . . . alright, the dragon takes you back to its lair for immediate copulation. Upon arrival, due to obvious problems with anatomy, the dragon polymorphs into human form.
    Bard: Sweet! What does she look like?
    GM: Exactly like you.
    Bard: Wait, what?
    GM: I'm saying you can go fuck yourself.
    Sherwood
    Cleric: Did you just pull that sword out of your butt?

    Rogue: Oh, no. My back pocket has a mini Bag of Holding. I have a whole bunch of weapons in there.

    Bard: Sounds like you have -

    Cleric: Please, don't.

    Bard: Quite the arse-nal!
    Sherwood
    There are benefits to having a good vocabulary. I recently called a old engineering friend of mine, and I asked what he was working on these days. His response? "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

    I was impressed, until upon further reflection, I realized that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
    Sherwood
    Wife, grabs pizza: Ow! That's hot!
    Me: What did you expect? For it to be cold?
    Wife: <glares at me>
    Me: I'm sorry, but I have this rare medical condition called 'common sense'.
    Sherwood
    Corgi: Why are my legs so short?
    God: That's just what legs look like.
    Corgi: Ok, that's cool.
    [giraffe walks by]
    Corgi: <glares at God>
    God: Um, you weren't supposed to see that.
    Sherwood
    Child at bedtime: Daddy, I'm scared! There is a monster in the closet!
    Me: Oh, don't be silly! There is no mon-OH DEAR GOD! ITS TEARING MY ARM OFF! HELP! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. He only eats children. Sleep well!
    Sherwood
    Just a bit of advice from a married man: Make sure you pick someone you know you'd be down to have sex with in the laundry room while the kids are watching Lion King and there is still ten minutes before the dinosaur nuggets come out of the oven.
    Sherwood
    At the grocery store today, I saw a big letter 'X' for me to stand on. I've seen far too many Roadrunner cartoons to fall for that one. Nice try.
    Sherwood
    As it turns out, when you are asked which child is your favorite, you should probably answer with one of your own. I know this now.
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