A whoopie cushion filled with gravy adds a whole new fun dimension to a tired and worn out joke.
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Do you know why the Oreo cookie went to the dentist?
It lost its filling.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floorboards?
He was going through a stage.
Once my wife's dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving us little messages around the house.
Did you guys know that I can cut wood just by looking at it?
Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!
When the machines rise up against humanity and attack us, pray to God that you are nowhere near a vibrator factory.
A man and a young boy are walking along in the woods. The boy says, "Hey mister, its getting dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Do you know what the difference is between a cat and a coma?
The cat has claws at the end of his paws, and the coma is a pause at the end of a clause! Ha!
The fact that Hooters hasn't started a home delivery service called Knockers is a lost business opportunity.
I think we should start calling the Coronavirus the Cornholiovirus, since everyone is panicking about getting TP for their bungholes.
Fun studying tip for the upcoming school year: If you are a procrastinator, play Tom Jones' "What's New, Pussycat?" on repeat while writing your papers and do not turn it off until you are finished. It will help to motivate you to finish as quickly as possible.
Expert level: Toss in the occasional "Its Not Unusual" every now and then.
I saw on the news of a huge fight at a seafood restaurant. Battered fish ended up everywhere.
Even if you don't like Halloween, you have to appreciate its position as the sole thing keeping Christmas from creeping ever earlier in the year like a cancerous growth. Thanksgiving tried, but was overwhelmed.
The Goth kids have got to hold the line.
If 666 is evil, then 25.806975801127 is the root of all evil.
Me, to a friend during a sleepover: Wakie wakie, eggs and bakey!
Friend: But I'm a Vegan.
Me: Wakie wakie, vegetables and sadness.
Friend: What gives you butterflies, every single time, no matter how many times you do it?
Me: Buying caterpillars.
Me, talking to my friend: Come on, lets get going.
Friend: Where are we going?
Me: Werewolf hunting.
Fiend: Woooooo!
Me, squinting my eyes: What the hell did you just say?
Nunchucks are illegal in some states, but not guns. I have a solution to that. Tie two guns together, and now you have gunchucks, and those are legal.
You are welcome.
We need to stop giving serial killers cool names like "The Night Stalker" or "The Green River Killer". Lets remove the mystique. Make it sound less appealing. Call them stuff like "The Micropenis Maniac" and "Bobby the Dipshit Stupid Head Killer".
I am going to sue the airport for misplacing my bags.
But I fear that I have already lost my case.
Introverts are like a slow website. It may be the coolest site, but people usually don't want to wait for it to open up.
Friend: You are now trapped in a fallout shelter with the last five people on Earth. What is the absolute worst thing to say to start a conversation?
Me: So, how is your day going? Family doing well?
Can we please raise the IQ level of the lifeguards at the water park? I'm sorry, but I don't trust a 19 year old, 110 pound blonde named Mackenzie with the brains of a chicken mcnugget to save my life if something goes wrong.
Friend: I wonder, if all the US presidents were locked in a room together for 24 hours, what would happen?
Me: The living ones would stare in horror at the dead ones. -
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