What did the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
Cookie sheets!
Cookie sheets!
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I got so much procrastinating done today. I'll tell you guys about it tomorrow.
Do you know why the ram fell off of the cliff?
It didn't see the ewe turn! Ha!
I just got kicked out of my secret cooking society.
It was because I spilled the beans.
I have a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words, too.
DM: You triggered a trap. Roll a Dex Save.
Me: A four, so I blew it. What happens?
DM: Roll 3d6.
Me: A seven.
DM: Roll again.
Me, wincing: fourteen?
DM: Oooh. Ok, roll again.
Me, picking up the dice and freezes: Wait, I'm rolling up a new character, aren't I?
If you think about it, DnD Mimics of today would be Amazon Prime boxes lurking on people's doorsteps.
Wizard: Why are you making popcorn?
Rogue: The bard asked very loudly who would win between the Warlock's Patron or the Cleric's Deity.
Wizard: This . . . is bad! Do something!
Rogue: I am. I'm making popcorn!
Bard: And I'm supervising!
Why all the hatred for necromancers? Can't a guy raise a family in peace?
Why was the werebat afraid to fly outside?
Because every cloud has a silver lining!
Apparently, BDSM does not stand for "Beholders, Dragons, Slimes and Mimics". So, if you find a BDSM dungeon, don't arm yourself and kick in the door. All you'll find is a bunch of Hellraiser cosplayers that will scream bloody murder about kink shaming and will call the cops.
If you roll a nat 20 on an intelligence check, is that what you call critical thinking?
Do you know who gives out the best hickeys?
Neck-romancers! Ha!
If I put my leather armor into a healing fountain, will it become a cow?
Is killing a death-cultist ironic, or is it giving them what they want?
I found a wizard that specializes in making potions and summoning genies.
I asked him for some djinn and tonics!
If a dwarf gets lycanthropy, does he turn into a were-corgi?
So, how do you get your spells?
Wizard: Through years of constant study.
Cleric: Through the grace of my god.
Druid: Through the blessings of the Earth itself.
Warlock: Through my patrons knowledge.
Sorcerer: Through my ancestor's power.
Bard: I was just making fun of a goblin one day and suddenly the little guy just died. It was the craziest shit ever!
Bard: I just rolled a nat 20 to seduce the dragon!
GM: <sighs> the dragon becomes interested enough in you to not kill you immediately.
Bard: Another nat 20! I'm gonna tap that soon!
GM: I didn't even . . . alright, the dragon takes you back to its lair for immediate copulation. Upon arrival, due to obvious problems with anatomy, the dragon polymorphs into human form.
Bard: Sweet! What does she look like?
GM: Exactly like you.
Bard: Wait, what?
GM: I'm saying you can go fuck yourself.
Cleric: Did you just pull that sword out of your butt?
Rogue: Oh, no. My back pocket has a mini Bag of Holding. I have a whole bunch of weapons in there.
Bard: Sounds like you have -
Cleric: Please, don't.
Bard: Quite the arse-nal!
If you had a DnD party of all halflings, would you call your team the 'Department of Gnomeland Security'?
There are benefits to having a good vocabulary. I recently called a old engineering friend of mine, and I asked what he was working on these days. His response? "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed, until upon further reflection, I realized that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
Wife, grabs pizza: Ow! That's hot!
Me: What did you expect? For it to be cold?
Wife: <glares at me>
Me: I'm sorry, but I have this rare medical condition called 'common sense'.
Corgi: Why are my legs so short?
God: That's just what legs look like.
Corgi: Ok, that's cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi: <glares at God>
God: Um, you weren't supposed to see that.
Child at bedtime: Daddy, I'm scared! There is a monster in the closet!
Me: Oh, don't be silly! There is no mon-OH DEAR GOD! ITS TEARING MY ARM OFF! HELP! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. He only eats children. Sleep well! -
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