Tomorrow is national 'Slap Your Annoying Co-worker Day'. If you don't know who that is, I'd suggest you call in sick.
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Spoiler Alert: All of the outside scenes on Mars in the movie "The Martian" were actually filmed here on Earth.
Man in hospital: I just pooped myself
Nurse: That's ok. Accidents happen.
Man: Listen here, missy. Did I say it was an accident?
Do you know what you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Commercials right now are totally ridiculous. They are like, "I know that things seem bad and bodies are being tossed into mass graves. But together, we can get through this! So come and get your tires rotated!"
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her while singing the Star Spangled Banner.
Having a carpet that is a giant Ouija board is a great thing, up to the point that the Roomba summons a demon.
As a serial killer, I would pick that my name be The Suspense. That way, people could say "the Suspense is killing me," and we would laugh and laugh, then I'd kill them.
If I were ever to become a surgeon, I would say right before the patient goes under from the anesthesia, "Ok, pull up the WikiHow article."
Arrr, ye wart-nosed mischief-makin' goblin o' th' sea! King o' the Puns, are ye?
Where be yer puns today on Speak Like A Pirate Day, eh?
What did the therapist say to the unicorn?
You need to believe in yourself.
I bought a pair of shoes from the local drug dealer. I don't know how he laced them up, but I've been tripping all day.
Over the past year, I have found that my fetishes have been getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized that I had hit rock bottom.
I went into a pet store and asked to buy twelve bees. The store manager counted out thirteen and handed them to me. I said that it was one too many, and he told me it was a freebee.
The other day, I was washing my car with my friend. Finally, he says, "Can't you just use a sponge like a regular person?"
I once ate a frozen apple. It was totally hard core.
If towels could tell jokes, they would probably have a very dry sense of humor.
I went out today and bought a boat, because it was for sail.
In the Soviet Union, can you buy coffee at Tsarbucks?
There are three main symptoms of laziness:
1:
What do Olympic runners eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a four leaf clover?
Cluck of the Irish!
Do you know why chicken coops have only two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be a chicken sedan!
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
Do you know what rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore. -
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