Do you suppose that the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come"?
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Men look at boobs for the same reason that women look at puppies in cages: We just want to set them free and play with them.
Since bat wings are just skin stretched out over elongated finger bones, bats fly by the power of jazz hands.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly and don't just yell because communication is key.
I met this guy with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Abba-riginal.
I never finish what I start.
I have a black belt in partial arts.
The word OK is a sideways person.
You look funny with your head tilted like that.
I regret rubbing ketchup into my eyes.
That's Heinz sight for you.
How does a bicuspid get across a river?
It takes the tooth ferry.
Lately, I've been investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When I threw the pie, it hit me in the face. I didn't realize it was a . . .
boomeringue.
How do English dog catchers get paid?
By the pound! Ha!
Do you know what I find funny? Paintings of Adam and Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about that for as long as you need.
Fencing: the perfect Covid-19 sport.
1: Face mask
2: Gloves
3: When someone comes within six feet of you, you get to stab them
If vegetarians eat veggies, what do humanitarians eat?
Whomever discovered that you can make cake in a mug in less than a minute was a freaking genius.
My wife just told me that she wishes that "You dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work e-mail.
What if Stacy's Mom was Jessie's Girl, and her number was 867-5309?
I am somewhat disappointed that I don't get offered drugs as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Cesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs?
The Bikings.
What kind of car does a low class drug dealer drive?
A Ford Methstang.
I heard in the news that there is a man stealing wheels off of police cars.
They are working tirelessly to catch him.
Do you know what you get when you cross alcohol with literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection but one. He's never going to give you Up. -
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