Lawyer: Your Honor, my client is trapped inside a penny.
Judge: Wait, what?
Lawyer: He's in a cent.
Judge: You are going to jail with him for that.
Judge: Wait, what?
Lawyer: He's in a cent.
Judge: You are going to jail with him for that.
-
What celebrity likes to eat ice cream?
Reese with her spoon.
I don't know why Marvel hasn't put advertisements on the Hulk.
He's basically just a giant banner.
A friend of mine told me that Orion's Belt is just a big waist of space.
I said, "That's a bad pun. Only three stars."
I bought a boat today, because it was for sail.
Here's a though for you: Are mashed potatoes just Irish guacamole?
Well, my roommate and my daughter have both tested positive for Covid-19, and now I'm not feeling my best either. Probably I have it now, too. I don't have any major health concerns that will be sending me to the ER, so I hope that I will be able to get through this without any issues.
Why are there so many products made of plants that "look and taste like meat"? If you are a vegetarian, don't you want something that is as far from meat as possible?
From the way I work at the keyboard, my superhero name would be Typoman, Writer of Wrongs.
If you can't sleep, just remember Isaiah 48:22. "There is no rest for the wicked."
I looked up opaque in the dictionary, but the definition wasn't very clear.
I swapped out my bed for a trampoline.
My wife hit the roof.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Pro tip: If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Several decisions I make every day are based off of the thought of, "If I'm caught, is this illegal or just frowned upon?"
What do you call a kobold elementalist that focuses on ice spells?
A Lizard Blizzard Wizard!
Wife: WTF, what is that pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
Wife: I hate you so much.
Me: Yes, use your hate.
Today feels like the whole country is waiting for their STD test results.
Sherwood has an irrational fear of speed bumps...
...but he's getting over it.
8D
Heard in the news that Sean Connery has passed away. Now I have to do a marathon viewing party of his James Bond films.
I put my phone on airplane mode and threw it into the air.
Nothing happened.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If every day is a gift, then today was an ugly sweater.
Why are all the ghosts in haunted houses from something like the 1700's? Why not a modern ghost that sings "Baby Shark!"?
Do you ever get strange bursts of motivation to clean your room, write a novel, or paint a masterpiece at three am? That's the Meth talking.
If you are going to argue on the phone in public, please put it on speaker so I can tell which side of the fight I am on. -
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