I invented a new kind of golf ball that automatically goes into the hole if it gets within four inches of it.
Note to self: DO NOT carry them in back pocket.
Note to self: DO NOT carry them in back pocket.
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I figured out what happened in 2020. It is what goes on when you mix up your tarot deck and Cards Against Humanity.
I just realized: Cowboys go "Yee Haw!"
Ninjas go "Hee Yaw!"
A big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I mean, I still wear underwear.
Do you know what you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
I wasn't quite good enough to make it into the exclusive marionette school, but I knew a fellow that could pull some strings.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.
In a recent poll, 80% of Americans said that they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that was asking for shelter. Please, let that sink in!
They say that you are only as old as you feel.
I must be an exhumed mummy or something.
A burglar broke into my house yesterday.
I put the red dot on his chest, and let the cat take care of it.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 come to the same number?
10+10 equals twenty. 11+11 equals twenty too.
One tectonic plate bumps into another and says, "Sorry, my fault!"
If you give an apple tree apple juice, is that forced cannibalism?
If Matthew MacConaughey were a judge:
All rise, all rise, all rise!
Just wanted to share that today my wife and I are celebrating twenty five years being married to one another. I am a very lucky man to have her in my life.
Fall in love with someone that enjoys your madness.
Not some idiot that forces you to be normal.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
You can't handle the reaper cushions.
Two elves walk into a bar.
The hobbit and dwarf both laugh and walk under it.
Nutrition labels should have a 'What if I ate the whole damn thing?' section.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks!"
I replied, "Don't mention it."
Did you hear about the two blood cells that met and fell in love?
But alas, it was all in vein.
Dear "Cool People"
They didn't name a candy after you, did they?
Sincerely, Nerds!
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse, half human doctor.
This makes him the Centaur of Disease Control.
A friend of mine got a degree in Egyptology, but can't get a job. So he's going back to get his PHD to be able to teach Egyptology to other people. In this case, college really is a pyramid scheme.
A pair of wood elves and a halfling walk into a bar.
Elf: Two Green Fairies and a half pint of stout.
Bartender: I can see that, but what do you want to drink? -
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